Time for the Braves to cut Dan Uggla

– David Schoenfield

However, if you do not obey Dan Uggla and do not carefully follow all his commands and decrees I am giving you today, all these curses will come on you and overtake you:

Dan Uggla will send on you curses, confusion and rebuke in everything you put your hand to, until you are destroyed and come to sudden ruin because of the evil you have done in forsaking him. He will plague you with diseases until he has destroyed you from the land you are entering to possess. He will strike you with wasting disease, with fever and inflammation, with scorching heat and drought, with blight and mildew, which will plague you until you perish. The sky over your head will be bronze, the ground beneath you iron. He will turn the rain of your country into dust and powder; it will come down from the skies until you are destroyed.

He will cause you to be defeated before your enemies. You will come at them from one direction but flee from them in seven, and you will become a thing of horror to all the kingdoms on earth. Your carcasses will be food for all the birds and the wild animals, and there will be no one to frighten them away. He will afflict you with the boils of Egypt and with tumors, festering sores and the itch, from which you cannot be cured. Dan Uggla will afflict you with madness, blindness and confusion of mind. At midday you will grope about like a blind person in the dark.

– Uggleronomy 28:15-29

Lew Brown played for Providence, at least two Boston clubs, and assorted other teams during a seven-year career. He retired, it would seem, following his age-26 season. In January of 1889, just weeks short of his 31st birthday, he somehow broke his kneepan (an antiquated word for kneecap) on a stone cuspiodor (i.e. a spittoon) whilst wrestling. Then, somehow, he immediately contracted pneumonia, became delirious, and then died.

Cause of death, ultimately: the 19th century.

Click image to embiggen. Notice of death care of Boston Globe. Credit to Deadball Era for data, as well.

Rise up!
Or rather
get out of bed
you lout
it is 1:30 in the afternoon
on a Tuesday
and you do not work
third shift

but also because
Rob Deer (@RobDeer45)
is now following you on Twitter!

Make yourself
some breakfast
you turd
and make it a good one
with cage free
vegetarian eggs
a nice bacon
alternative
something you can really
Instagram
you piece of––
because you are alive
and you can
still chew your food
because it is your birthday

and also because
Rob Deer (@RobDeer45)
is now following you on Twitter!

Hey you
crud-thumping
anxiety magician
it is time
are you ready
for good things to happen
for the possibility
of Rob Deer (@RobDeer45)
engaging in abusive behavior
on Twitter
for the regime change
for all of your
favorite snacks?

Mobilize already!
Take a walk or something
with your smartphone
emblazoned in front of you
the fact that Rob Deer (@RobDeer45)
is now following you on Twitter
will shield you from
whatever the capitalist pigs
that also follow you on Twitter
will throw your way.

Take the bull by the horns
and make lemonade
for you have lived to see another
afternoon, to take another
walk with your smartphone, to
swallow more fake
bacon, to gaze into your
inbox once more––

and what an inbox it is!
telling you of steals and deals
and deaths and
among other things
that Rob Deer (@RobDeer45)
is now following you on Twitter!

You odoriferous speck
of taint waste.

It is not generally the case that NotGraphs is in the business of publishing unsolicited contributions. For reasons that aren’t entirely clear, however, Koheleth — known most commonly as the son of David, king of Jerusalem, and also the world-weary author of Ecclesiastes from the Old Testament — requested to write a game recap of Monday night’s Phillies-Braves game.

What follows is the entirety of his submission.

1 All human endeavor is futile. Likewise, Monday night’s game between Atlanta and Philadelphia was futile.

Read the rest of this entry »

Introductory Question: Why is this game different from all other games? (That is, why do you have to watch this one?)

1. Why during all other games do you root for the Mets, but this one you are rooting against them? (Answer: Someone on my fantasy team is pitching against them.)

2. Why at all other times you eat all kinds of vegetables but while watching a baseball game you want a hot dog? (Answer: Because baseball tastes better with a hot dog.)

3. Why at all other times can you pay attention to the world around you, but while watching a game, it’s like the rest of the world doesn’t exist? (Answer: Shhh! The pitcher has a no-hitter going.)

4. Why at all other times can you sit on the couch like a normal person, but once the game is past the 7th inning, you lie down like a lazy dog? (Answer: I am sleepy. Watching a baseball game is hard work.)

What the author has done is to poorly edit out all baseball-relevant footage from freely available video of Game Six of the 1987 World Series between the Minnesota Twins and St. Louis Cardinals — to edit out all relevant baseball footage from the first three-plus innings of that game, leaving only select advertisements from that particularl broadcast.

What the author has also done is to provide the following, hastily composed annotations to certain of the aforementioned commercials.

0:01 — Firestone Antifreeze
In which a baritone-voiced narrator assures the viewer that winter, previously thought to be indomitable, is actually totally domitable.

Read the rest of this entry »

Rob Neyer has a wonderful article on Fox Sports about the Rolaids Relief award and the hard times it has fallen upon. Here’s a completely disjointed pull quote:

In 2006, though, the Rolaids brand was acquired by Johnson & Johnson, which deemphasized the promotion… [in 2010] Rolaids were recalled, “following an investigation of consumer reports of an unusual moldy, musty, or mildewlike odor… nausea, stomach pain, vomiting and diarrhea.” … [Heath Bell said] “[s]o after I won in 2009 and didn’t get a trophy, in ’10 I asked about it and they said, ‘No, they’re not doing that any more.’

Reminds me of the fictional saga of the Vioxx VORP award, which started back in 1906 to honor the player with the highest VORP, awarding them a large gold pill. And then, nearly 100 years later, in 2004 when Merck recalled Vioxx for causing heart attacks and strokes… the large gold pills were gone. Much to the disappointment of Barry Bonds, who in 2004 wanted one more large pill to place on his mantel. [Insert Barry Bonds / pill joke here.]

Three years ago, in these same electronic pages, the present author published a ranking of all 30 clubs’ center-field broadcast camera angles. The immediate purpose: to create a reference for anyone with access to MLB.TV, MLB Extra Innings, or some other manner of game video, so that he or she might be better equipped to choose the ideal feed.

What follows is the product of an almost identical exercise, except updated to account for more recently adopted center-field cameras (or, in the case of Miami, more recently constructed ballparks).

In general, cameras have been assessed according to the ability with which they document the pitcher-batter encounter. More specifically, I’ve utilized three guiding criteria, as follow:

• Shot Angle
  In which more central and lower is generally preferred.
• Shot Size
  In which closer up and not longer is generally preferred.
• Whim
  In which the author’s own intuition has been utilized.

In what follows, I’ve embedded screencaps for all 30 of the league’s center-field cameras, broken down into three categories: Bottom Five, Top Ten, and The Rest. In every case, I’ve used images featuring only right-handed pitchers — so that the orientation of that pitcher’s body might least distort the perception of the camera angle. Furthermore, I’ve attempted to identify feeds from regional broadcasts — as opposed to national broadcasts, which might utilize a different feed altogether.

The reader will note that straight-on shots constitute the most highly ranked of the center-field cameras. This makes sense, of course: straight-on shots portray lefties and righties in the same way and document pitch movement in a way that off-set cameras can’t. The reader will also note that a small collection of notes and observations appears at the very bottom of this post.

Finally, if the reader finds that I’ve erred in any of the screen captures here, don’t hesitate to make note of same below.

Bottom Five
30. Colorado Rockies

Read the rest of this entry »

“What do the people want?” the author has asked himself today. And: “When do they want it?” is another thing he’s wondered.

“French baseball news updates,” is the answer that’s presented itself. And: “Now,” appears to be the moment at which that sort of information would be most welcome.

Read the rest of this entry »

Hello, and welcome to another episode of What is Bo Porter Miming.  Here’s your host, Flip Dingleberry!

Hi everyone, and welcome to another episode of What is Bo Porter Miming? Now, contestants, you know the rules. I’m going to show you an Internet GIF of Astros Manager Bo Porter, and you have to tell me what he’s trying to say. Ready? Excellent! Here we go. Contestants: What is Bo Porter Miming?

Beep Beep

Yes. Bonnie.

Is he saying “Hey look, everyone, there’s a duck”?

Buzzer

No, I’m sorry. That is incorrect. Anyone else?

Beep Beep

Donald?

Is he saying “I want you to do the chicken dance over there?”

Buzzer

Incorrect, Donald. Sorry. Stacy, a chance to steal. What is Bo Porter Miming?

Um….

Five seconds, Stacy.

Is he saying …

Need an answer, Stacy.

“… go put your finger in that dog’s butt?”

Judges?……

Ding Ding Ding

Correct! Stacy is the big winner! You win an all expenses paid trip to Tallahassee! Wait, really? That seems … oh well. Join us next time on What is Bo Porter Miming?!