The image above was discovered by the author on the Facebook page of Rangers pitcher and cross-cultural ambassador of handsome Yu Darvish. What is not at issue here is just how much time the author has been spending on Yu Darvish’s Facebook page, or to what end. What is at issue is just what the above image, which was captioned only in Japanese, might have been intended to depict, reflect, or connote. For this, reader, I earnestly solicit your help.
As I’ve learned over the years, there is a great deal of brainpower lurking out there in the miasmic hellscape known as NotGraphs Readerland, and it is just waiting to be mobilized in the service of something ridiculously inconsequential. Never again will I underestimate you, readers; and so for this, my third Rebus, I have abandoned all mercy, pity, remorse, and indeed all humanity. There will be no hints; there will be no gimmes. I give you the Rebus of Death, and yes, you may click to receive your death in larger form:
The Washington Nationals received a substantial setback today, as it was revealed that star hominid Jayson Werth has been diagnosed with the rare disorder quinquagintaquinquitis. The condition is popularly known as “Sammy Hagar’s disease” after the singer who immortalized it in 1984.
According to NotGraphs medical experts who have examined the above photograph, obtained from the Virginia Highway Patrol, Werth is likely in the “advanced stages” of the disease. The experts say that the outfielder may require the multi-stage treatment known as ATJ (for “All That Jive”), which could sideline him indefinitely.
(h/t to determined reader Nathan Hoff)
As is amply documented, Brian McCann’s job as Chief of Fun Police has made him a busy man for the past several thousand years. Somewhat less attention has been given by historians to the role of Yasiel Puig. That is now changing, as ongoing scholarship reveals the Cuban sensation to have been present for a surprisingly large number of momentous events. Take heart, Albert Pujols: you are merely the latest to have faced, and ultimately overcome, the Wag of Puig.
In the eighth inning of Thursday night’s contest between the Clevelands and the Kansas Citys, left fielder and modernist antihero Ryan Raburn did something extraordinary. Though it was difficult for the author to get an accurate count due to the storm of emotion clouding his sight, it might be suggested that Raburn accomplished at least four things.
1) In the immediate frame of reference, Raburn lowered the probability of his team winning the contest by something like thirty percent.
Below, exclusive to NotGraphs, is irrefutable evidence that irrefutably answers the question of the week: Adam Wainwright did, in fact, groove one for Derek Jeter.
Reports that Wainwright gave Jeter a “pipe shot” remain unconfirmed, as none of us are willing to look at those pictures.
Bob Hendley is occasionally remembered for going toe to toe with Sandy Koufax, but his major accomplishment, without a doubt, was the magnificent topiary that sat athwart his ample noggin. Today we honor one of baseball’s most unmistakable manscapes in the best way we know how: by putting stuff on top of it. Those who wish to contribute will not be discouraged.
The Angels are at .500 — both in historical and, arguably, eschatological terms, though here at NotGraphs we rarely concern ourselves with the latter. As regards the former, in reviewing the legacy of a proudly mediocre franchise, we have made a rather startling discovery. It seems that the success of this particular ballclub is entirely predictable on the straightforward basis of its members’ preseason baseball-card expressions. We hope you enjoy this emotionally wrenching trip down memory lane.
Fred Badel was an illiterate German immigrant from Carnegie, PA, who suffered from curvature of the spine. He was a .300 hitter and an outstanding baserunner for the Buffalo Bisons, until the “humpstroking business” became intolerable. His teammates rubbed his hump so often for good luck that Humpty began to feel persecuted. After the 1906 season, he broke his contract and destroyed his big league prospects. Then his mother died and his brother was hit by a train, and Humpty missed a year. He made it back to the diamond with Johnstown in 1908. His manager, Ed Ashenback, tells us how it went.
