This (walk-off) slide to the plate was, in a word, super.

Watch:

Listen (majestic movie version):

Listen (hip-hop version):

Multiplatinum recording artist, serviceable thespian, nightclub habitué, collector of bullet wounds, zealous pursuer of wealth at great bodily risk, connoisseur of sex, eschewer of lovemaking, and life coach Curtis “50 Cent” Jackson engaged this week in combat with The Internet, and it may be fairly said that he came out victorious. Now that Mr. Jackson has one big-league pitch to his credit, taking his place alongside Mariah Carey and William Howard Taft, his scouting report is perhaps already overdue.

Pitch #1: Based on limited video evidence, perhaps best described as a no-seam fastball. Excellent armside sinking and tailing action. Relies heavily on movement as velocity tops out in mid-30s. Uses it as a chase pitch down and out of the zone to righties.

Delivery: Low leg lift with a low three-quarters arm slot. Stands in the middle of the rubber. Smooth and easily repeatable.

Control: Probably the weakest point of his game. Often struggles to find the plate, or the general vicinity of the plate, or even the correct quadrant toward which to attempt to direct the ball.

Poise: Maintains good humor and above-average flow in the face of severe adversity.

Physical Description: At 6 feet and a reported 205 pounds, the stockily built Jackson lacks a conventional pitcher’s frame. Good muscle definition but vulnerable to massive weight swings.

Projection: Projects best at this point in his career as a limited-use LOOGY against extreme free-swingers. Reputation for wild lifestyle may scare away potential suitors. However, his dramatic life story could make him a valuable veteran presence in the right clubhouse.

Don Mattingly is pretty pleased right now. He probably just finished a really difficult sudoku or something, one that he has been working on for days, the page worn thin by multiple erasings.

There was probably, like, this one box that he just kept thinking was a seven — he just knew it was a seven — so he had to rearrange all the other boxes several times to accommodate this certainty. But at times he had to erase the seven, too. For the good of the sudoku, maybe he had to entertain the thought that the box wasn’t a seven, that maybe he was just becoming a crazy old man.

Probably on more than one occasion over the last few days, because he kept trying to solve this sudoku while getting dressed, Don Mattingly put his underwear on backwards. Also, I bet he sat to pee so as to afford himself more time to work on the puzzle. He maybe got eraser scraps in his pubes.

His pencil’s eraser was worn down to the metal. There probably were times in the last few days, in the middle of the night maybe, when Don Mattingly would wake up and think,

If I don’t finish this soon, I will have to get a new pencil. Or maybe a cap eraser. I effing hate those cap erasers: they always crack or fall off the pencil and get lost before you can get any real use out of them. And I hate using up a pencil’s eraser before the pencil is anywhere near used up. I hate that; that’s such a waste. I wish pencil’s came with bigger erasers. Or maybe I just need to get better at sudoku, make fewer mistakes. Maybe I just need to get better at life.

It’s possible Don Mattingly had the humility and mental fortitude to then let go of the stubborn thought about the seven, and that he had resolved himself to focus on another part of the puzzle. Maybe he felt emasculated, giving up on the seven; and, at times, maybe he even came close to giving up on the whole damn thing. We can’t know for sure, but maybe Don Mattingly just had to dig deep and find it within himself to saddle up again. Get off the sad saddle and get back on that sudoku saddle, Donny boy, is what I like to think Don Mattingly thought to himself at one point, which would have been a dark hour for Don Mattingly.

But tonight, as his team hosts the Cincinnati Reds, Don Mattingly finally solved that sucker, and you know what? That one square was a seven! He knew it all along!

I think that is really the only explanation that I am willing to accept for how Don Mattingly can appear so pleased right now.

Picture borrowed from @MLBFanCave’s tweet from Tuesday.

Poster art from the forthcoming Le Champ Extérieur.

Periodically, the editors of NotGraphs compile a brief list of baseball-related films expected to appear in theaters at some point in the not very distant future. Below are five real and not fake examples of same.

Working Title: Outside Art
Synopsis: A quiet, shoegazing twenty-something dedicates his lunch hour everyday at an art-supply store to the development and perfection of a knuckleball. After a fortuitous encounter with a scout, he signs a contract, eventually has success in the majors, and also makes love to Marion Cotillard. Stars Michael Cera.

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I hope you’ve been enjoying the new heatmaps on the site. Here is mine.

It was neither the best, nor entirely worst, of times for Jim Thorpe.

A brief inspection of the internet — in particular the Baseball Reference part of it — reveals that today (May 28th) is the birth anniversary of famous and dead Native American athlete Jim Thorpe. A slightly less brief inspection of the internet reveals that Jim Thorpe endured probably both a miserable life and also not the most miserable life.

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By now you’ve seen the footage, either on ESPN or the Travel Channel: Last night, in the ninth inning of a 3-3 game against Texas, Minnesota’s Eduardo Nuñez journeyed first to the Boundary Waters of the Minnesota-Ontario border, where he canoed languidly through waterways carved into Precambrian rock, and then to Lake Superior, where he rented a cozy cottage and, in his own words, “did some fishing and, really, just a lot of relaxing,” before returning to Target Field, sprinting down the left-field line and reaching third base to avoid Adrian Beltre’s tag.

Now, in the aftermath of Nunez’s journey, the Major League Umpires Association has agreed to a revolutionary new rule: “In the ninth inning of a tie game, the home team can designate one (1) runner to travel to any destination, provided it is within the territorial borders of the North American continent, before returning to the field and enjoying full and unfettered access to the base of his choosing, in whose vicinity, and to much rejoicing, a designated umpire will dramatically rule him safe before arguing successfully with the opposing manager. In addition, should the designated runner travel beyond the borders of the United States of America, he will enjoy a personal exemption from U.S. Customs inspections as well as duty-free status on up to five (5) bottles of liquor and five (5) packages of quality chocolates.”
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If you want, click it. It gets bigger. You will undoubtedly notice that there is no snow in this snow globe. There’s a reason for that: I couldn’t be arsed to draw bits of fake snow. Please send your complaints to Carson Cistulli, 69 Rue de Merde, Paris, France.

The annual Scripps National Spelling Bee — my favorite non-baseball “sporting” event of the year — is on ESPN today and tomorrow. How about our own MLB Spelling Bee? Can you identify and then spell the following fifteen words/names correctly without looking them up? Try your luck in the comments.

1. This FOX broadcaster also broadcasts Reds games along with his father.

2. This is the mascot for the MLB team based in the eastern part of the Keystone State.

3. He’s the current closer for the Mets.

4. This man manages the Brewers.

5. This Padres starting pitcher is currently missing his second consecutive season due to injury.

6. This former major-league manager and 2013 Rockies first-base coach is now a catching instructor and defensive positioning coach for the Rockies.

7. This Cubs starter currently has an ERA of 1.68.

8. This former A’s reliever became a starter in 2008 and finished the year with a 2.54 ERA and a WHIP under 1.

9. This former Braves starter, who made the 2011 All-Star Team, was just signed to a minor league contract by the Reds.

10. This former Rays top shortstop prospect is now serving a harsh punishment on the Phillies (and on their AAA team).

11. This pitcher from Hawaii, formerly a Mariners and Royals reliever, currently plays for the Bridgeport Bluefish of the Atlantic League and has a last name similar to the first baseman for the Yankees.

12. This first baseman was never really given a chance in Kansas City, and didn’t do so well when given a chance in Oakland.

13. This former Blue Jay and Cardinal is currently a member of the Indians bullpen.

14. This man was a backup catcher for the Padres, batting .144 from 1981 through 1984.

15. This former Mariner and Tiger left fielder, first baseman, and third baseman, currently plays in Buffalo for the Blue Jays’ AAA team.

I have written previously about the perhaps unhealthy amount of love in my heart of hearts for one Benjamin J. Revere, formerly of the Twins of Minnesota, recently of the Phillies of Philadelphia. Truly, he is the most beautiful and lovely of the Philadelphia Benjamins, for never was there a better Benjamin than he within the limits of that great American city. He is also the most revered Revere to visit Boston.

And yet, did this morning I read something that gave me pause, penned by the great Jeff Sullivan, one of our betters over on FanGraphs, who suggested that, in hitting the first home run of his career in 1566 plate appearances, “Ben Revere has destroyed maybe the most interesting thing about himself as a player. If Revere is to remain widely known now, it will be for other things.”

We must not allow the memory of Ben Revere to fade, gentle readers. For, while he cannot be all things to all people, he is most assuredly some things to some people (namely me). Here, then, are a dozen important facts about Ben Revere upon which we can base our new understanding of his greatness and defy the Jeff Sullivans of this world who would deny us that opportunity:

1)      Ben Revere has never actually been photographed, because he moves too fast to be captured with conventional lenses. What you see is the layer of skin and fabric left behind when Revere dashes off, cartoon style.

2)      Ben Revere can turn off the light and get into bed before the room gets dark because Ben Revere’s smile lights up any room he’s in, and he’s always smiling.

3)      Ben Revere has a .331 career slugging percentage, which is pretty good for a man who often mistaken for a small woodland creature.

4)      Ben Revere was normal sized until Wonkavision happened.

5)      Consequently, Ben Revere is carried to the ballpark every day in his mother’s purse. She is just happy he found something someone so tiny can do with his life.

6)      Ben Revere is not a poor route runner. He’s a devout Family Circus reenactor. That Billy is a scamp.

7)      Ben Revere never steals second base. He borrows it.

8)      The only thing the morally upright Ben Revere ever stole was my heart.

9)      Ben Revere does not, in fact, possess the ability to hit a home run. He is, however, Nightcrawler, and can bamf the ball over the wall.

10)   Watching Ben Revere run is the closest we can get to knowing the mind of God.

11)   Puppies, LOLZ cats, and panda babies all watch Internet videos of Ben Revere.

12)  Citizens Bank Ballpark’s dimensions are ridiculous, so it probably shouldn’t count, and also the Phillies lost, so it didn’t matter. We can all pretend this never happened.

I beg you, do not consign Ben Revere to the dustbin of history simply because he mistakenly hit a ball beyond the fence which separates the civilized ballplayers from the unkempt masses. Do not forsake him like you forsook Al Newman before him. Be joyous that such a tiny, beautiful man walks among you, somewhere beneath the gaze and notice of aloof, giant humans like Jeff Sullivan. Let Ben Revere into your heart, for only through Ben Revere can you be saved.