Periodically, the editors of NotGraphs compile a brief list of baseball-related films expected to appear in theaters at some point in the not very distant future. Below are five real and not fake examples of same.
Working Title: Outside Art
Synopsis: A quiet, shoegazing twenty-something dedicates his lunch hour everyday at an art-supply store to the development and perfection of a knuckleball. After a fortuitous encounter with a scout, he signs a contract, eventually has success in the majors, and also makes love to Marion Cotillard. Stars Michael Cera.
Working Title: Imitating Life
Synopsis: A very similar premise, this, to the one above — with the exception that, instead of signing a major-league contract, the quiet and shoegazing twenty-something in this film just returns from all those same lunch hours a little bit sweaty. Also, makes no love whatsoever to Marion Cotillard. Also stars Michael Cera.
Working Title: Le Champ Extérieur (The Outfield)
Synopsis: Baseball returns to Montreal, but with a number of complications, as the club’s eccentric owner — a member of the Quebec sovereignty movement — insists on the construction of a ballpark in the shape of a fleur-de-lis. The result is a playing surface with a 600-foot center field and 220-foot power allies — dimensions which initally escape the attention of Major League Baseball, as they’re expressed by means of the metric system. Marion Cotillard has a brief cameo as stunning beauty Marion Cotillard.
Working Title: Rookie of the Year II
Synopsis: A dark sequel to 1993 film Rookie of the Year. An older and more drunk Henry Rowengartner, intent on returning to baseball, attempts to re-create the schoolyard accident that facilitated his brief major-league career, but instead just hurts his back really bad. Rowengartner becomes addicted to the pain killers he’s prescribed for the injury. Meanwhile, Chet “Rocket” Steadman (Gary Busey) is dying of liver disease and Phil Brickma (Daniel Stern) has begun robbing Chicago-area houses with an irascible partner named Harry (Joe Pesci).
Working Title: Pointlessly Harrowing Lars von Trier Project
Synopsis: Three men board a cargo vessel as stowaways in Agadir, Morocco. Before arriving in the European port which serves as their destination, however, they’re crushed by a palate of Phiten energy necklaces overturned as a result of rough seas. The bodies are unable to be identified, and no one mourns their absurd, meaningless lives and/or deaths.
Image courtesy Craig Robinson.
Carson Cistulli has published a book of aphorisms called Spirited Ejaculations of a New Enthusiast.