This is the time of the season when, if your team isn’t in the hunt for the pennant (fantasy team, real team, it doesn’t matter), baseball can get a little, well, boring. No close races to really care about yet, just a whole bunch of games already played and quite a few still to go, and, well, can you really blame some players for being bored with the whole thing?
The Washington Nationals received a substantial setback today, as it was revealed that star hominid Jayson Werth has been diagnosed with the rare disorder quinquagintaquinquitis. The condition is popularly known as “Sammy Hagar’s disease” after the singer who immortalized it in 1984.
According to NotGraphs medical experts who have examined the above photograph, obtained from the Virginia Highway Patrol, Werth is likely in the “advanced stages” of the disease. The experts say that the outfielder may require the multi-stage treatment known as ATJ (for “All That Jive”), which could sideline him indefinitely.
(h/t to determined reader Nathan Hoff)
Yangervis and Odrisamer are:
(a) The two most popular styles of coffee table at IKEA.
(b) Two newly-discovered native tribes of Papua New Guinea.
(c) The top two Icelandic banks, as ranked by deposits.
(d) Two mountains in the Ural range.
(e) Two types of heirloom apples, neither with any significant market penetration as of yet.
(f) Acronyms for top-secret government programs.
(g) A comedy duo popular in northern Estonia.
(h) Two deadly infections spread by small rodents.
(i) The newest sitcoms on German television, both surprising hits thus far in the young season.
(j) Twin Caribbean resorts now deeply discounted on Hotels.com.
(k) Styles of dance from the 1780s.
(l) Two different types of flourless chocolate tortes, one with walnuts and one without.
(m) The botanical names of two colorful purple flowers.
(n) Unheralded colors of the rainbow.
(o) The top two wheelchair manufacturers in Finland, sorted by market share.
(p) Bees who share the spotlight in the new Pixar film, “Bees!”
(q) Seaweeds found off the New Zealand coast.
(r) Baby toe-curling reflexes that disappear by age three.
(s) The co-recipients of this year’s Fields Medal.
(t) Characters in Michael Chabon’s new graphic novel.
(u) Slang terms for “testicles” in the Haitian Creole language.
(v) Two Republican candidates for governor of Wyoming.
(w) Technical terms for the two different sizes of ash that are produced when a body is cremated.
(x) The latest new flavors of Lay’s Potato Chips.
(y) Rejected economic theories of Cold War Russia.
(z) None of the above.
Ebola: No baseball player has yet been diagnosed with Ebola. There are no reported cases of Ebola at major or minor league ballparks. Checking your fantasy stats cannot give you Ebola, nor can participating in your fantasy baseball auction, assuming the auction is online. Ebola is not the cause of your favorite team’s poor season, or the reason why more moves weren’t made at the trading deadline. There is no correlation between OPS+ and Ebola, and the E in Ebola does not stand for Error. Alex Rodriguez is suspended from baseball, but not because he has Ebola.
Iraq: There is no major or minor league baseball affiliate in Iraq. Contrary to rumor, the Expos did not move there when they left Canada. IRAQ is not the same as WHIP. You have a very low chance of being hit by a missile while you watch a baseball game, whether in person or on TV. We are not at war with the American League, nor the National League. Our military activities in Iraq should not affect your fantasy team.
Gaza: Sam Fuld is Jewish.
Robin Williams: Robin Williams is not related to Ted Williams, Mitch Williams, Bernie Williams, Mike Williams, Gerald Williams, Billy Williams, Dick Williams, Jerome Williams, Jimy Williams, Matt Williams, Woody Williams, Scott Williamson, Robin Ventura, Robin Roberts, or Robin Yount.
As is amply documented, Brian McCann’s job as Chief of Fun Police has made him a busy man for the past several thousand years. Somewhat less attention has been given by historians to the role of Yasiel Puig. That is now changing, as ongoing scholarship reveals the Cuban sensation to have been present for a surprisingly large number of momentous events. Take heart, Albert Pujols: you are merely the latest to have faced, and ultimately overcome, the Wag of Puig.
I’ve heard of Jake Marisnick. But when I read Mike Podhorzer’s article this morning about speedsters available for the stretch run, I realized I had absolutely no idea what Jake Marisnick looks like. No picture in my head, at all. Maybe you don’t have a picture either. Hence, a brief quiz. Which one of these folks is Jake Marisnick?
(And, bonus: who are the rest of these guys?)
In the eighth inning of Thursday night’s contest between the Clevelands and the Kansas Citys, left fielder and modernist antihero Ryan Raburn did something extraordinary. Though it was difficult for the author to get an accurate count due to the storm of emotion clouding his sight, it might be suggested that Raburn accomplished at least four things.
1) In the immediate frame of reference, Raburn lowered the probability of his team winning the contest by something like thirty percent.
Below, exclusive to NotGraphs, is irrefutable evidence that irrefutably answers the question of the week: Adam Wainwright did, in fact, groove one for Derek Jeter.
Reports that Wainwright gave Jeter a “pipe shot” remain unconfirmed, as none of us are willing to look at those pictures.
You know, a lot has been made about the amount of attention Fox paid to Derek Jeter last night, particularly in relation to how much attention it paid to Tony Gwynn (none). All of which seems ridiculous to me. First, to my recollection, Major League Baseball has never used the All Star Game to pay tribute to recently deceased players, even important and beloved ones like Gwynn. So to complain that MLB and Fox are not doing something they have never done before seems silly.
Second, Fox didn’t even use all the footage it had of Jeter from yesterday’s game. For instance, after he was removed from the game, they made no mention about how he left the park:
Click if thou wouldst make bigger, as thy Lord commandeth thee.
And thus does the spirit of Jeter doth now rest on Trout.
