5. Twinkie The Loon
According to Wikipedia, Twinkie The Loon was a mascot used by the Minnesota Twins during the 1980 and 1981 seasons. He has 47 likes on Facebook. Baseball Prospectus has called him, “a freak of a bird, with thin legs and goofy eyes.” ESPN named him the fourth worst mascot ever. He is unlikely to contribute this season.
Bob Hendley is occasionally remembered for going toe to toe with Sandy Koufax, but his major accomplishment, without a doubt, was the magnificent topiary that sat athwart his ample noggin. Today we honor one of baseball’s most unmistakable manscapes in the best way we know how: by putting stuff on top of it. Those who wish to contribute will not be discouraged.
Time and again, I have tried to educate you on the inadequacy of democracy, only to have you continue to prop up this chaotic and unpleasant system where the strong dominate the wills of the weak. It is, you understand, incredibly frustrating to see you again and again vote your consciences, rather than submit your consciences to the divinely inspired will of a benevolent despot. For, almost invariably, your consciences suck.
Now, however, I find myself in the awkward position of having to temper my rage at the tyranny that the majority wields through the franchise with a greater sense of justice. For now democracy has a chance to finally put right what once went wrong, and hope each time that its next leap will be the leap home.
Rarely does such an opportunity present itself, but with the MLB All Star Game Final Vote, finally we can honor a man whose worth has gone largely unrecognized over the years: the great and powerful Bobby Grich.
Spurred by enlightened-despot-in-his-own-right Mike Trout, Angels fans have been working tirelessly to bring recognition to Grich, who batted .266/.371/.424 with 224 home runs over 17 seasons, while winning four consecutive gold gloves in recognition of his fine work as a second baseman for the Orioles and Angels, with the #VoteGRich hash tag. Trout and his throng of devoted apostles want to elect Grich to his seventh all-star team, despite not having played baseball in 28 years. Such a move is, of course, almost unprecedented. After retiring in May of 1989, Mike Schmidt made the All Star team that year, and did not play. But that’s understandable, as Schmidt’s selection was an immediate nod to his long years of excellence. To recognize the contributions a player who has been out of the public consciousness for so long, rightful MVP Mike Trout demonstrates that wisdom is indeed his sixth tool.
So quickly, my friends. To MLB.com’s Final Vote page, which I have yet to visit and behold in all its majesty! Give MLB all of your personal information! Sign up for all their newsletters! Allow them to contact you at home AND at work! Anything to allow you to punch out more digital chads next to his beautiful, mustachioed face before tomorrow at 4:00, when our opinions stop mattering. Let’s all work together to get Bobby Grich to the All Star Game in 2014. Let’s all #VoteGRich!
The Angels are at .500 — both in historical and, arguably, eschatological terms, though here at NotGraphs we rarely concern ourselves with the latter. As regards the former, in reviewing the legacy of a proudly mediocre franchise, we have made a rather startling discovery. It seems that the success of this particular ballclub is entirely predictable on the straightforward basis of its members’ preseason baseball-card expressions. We hope you enjoy this emotionally wrenching trip down memory lane.
Fred Badel was an illiterate German immigrant from Carnegie, PA, who suffered from curvature of the spine. He was a .300 hitter and an outstanding baserunner for the Buffalo Bisons, until the “humpstroking business” became intolerable. His teammates rubbed his hump so often for good luck that Humpty began to feel persecuted. After the 1906 season, he broke his contract and destroyed his big league prospects. Then his mother died and his brother was hit by a train, and Humpty missed a year. He made it back to the diamond with Johnstown in 1908. His manager, Ed Ashenback, tells us how it went.
The Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change stunned global observers this morning by releasing a bombshell special report, presenting evidence that the rapid warming trend since the twentieth century has been “almost entirely attributable” to Detroit Tigers outfielder Rajai Davis.
The centerpiece of the report was a graph, referred to as a “smoking gun” by independent commentators, that overlaid worldwide average temperatures during the past 1000 years with win probabilities from Monday night’s Tigers-Athletics contest. The striking correspondence between the two datasets was enough to drive an unprecedented consensus among the world’s leading climate scientists.
“We always like to stress that correlation does not equal causation,” said two-time MVP and amateur climatologist Miguel Cabrera. “But correlation this strong is something that we absolutely never see as scientists. It forces you to take notice.” Cabrera added that he and other close associates of Davis had suspected for some time that the leadoff man was “exerting an influence” on atmospheric conditions.
Though some amount of fluctuation in Davis’ performance is natural, the report states, a walk-off grand slam represents an event without precedent in the Earth’s history. Such an event would be more than sufficient to introduce a major imbalance in atmospheric “greenhouse gas” concentrations.
The United Nations is expected to meet soon to discuss potential caps on Davis’ late-game heroics.
Each week, we publish north of 100 posts on our various blogs. With this post, we hope to highlight 10 to 15 of them. You can read more on it here. The links below are color coded — green for FanGraphs, brown for RotoGraphs, purple for NotGraphs, dark red for The Hardball Times and blue for Community.
It’s not just BABIP-driven. He really is hitting like a .600 hitter.
Catchers: Can’t Live Without Them, But They’re All Dead
Is it new helmets? Is it new balls? Is it a new Plague? We’ll never know, but Carlos Santana is counting his lucky stars that he got moved out from behind the plate!
A look at the new cannibalistic fantasy leagues taking over Ottoneu.
David Price: Remind Us How He Became an Astro…?
After sixteen trades over the past twelve months, David Price takes a turn at the top of the Astros’ rotation.
Can You Find The New Stat Somewhere On Our Player Pages?
When you do, please explain it to us. We’re not sure how it works.
Okay, Mike Moustakas, I’m Finally Starting to Get Convinced You Are Not That Great at Hitting
.091/.121/.262 since last year’s All-Star Break. Well, okay, maybe let’s give him a few more weeks.
Which Starters Haven’t Had Tommy John Surgery?
None of them. None of them.
How Many Hairs Are in the Average Mustache, and is it Different for Hitters than Pitchers?
A six-month research study funded entirely by reader contributions, both financial and bodily.
Investigating our country’s achievements-above-replacement-militia in the latest Middle East conflict.
A Retrospective Analysis of High School Ballplayers, 1881-1885
Long, but worth the read.
Did the President’s Announcement that the World is Ending Affect the West Coast Games?
Shutout and 14K for Kershaw. So I think we’re doing fine. Although this does explain the whole catcher situation, we think.
How Should ZIPS Treat What We Assume Will Be A Partial Season?
If the world’s going to end, we assume play will stop for the year. Will your favorite projection formula be able to accurately assess the impact?
Can you Justify Playing Fantasy Baseball Even as the World Ends?
In a follow-up to yesterday’s Presidential announcement heralding the end of life on Earth for 85% of all species including humans, can you justify taking the time to play fantasy baseball? Or is it in fact even more important at a time like this?
Pictures of players flipping their bats into the circles of flames that will apparently devour us all quite soon.
George Springer on Home Runs, Strikeouts, and the Future of the Astros
We already had this is the queue, so we didn’t think it made sense to pull it. (Editor’s note: yes, we realize the future of the Astros is now very much in doubt.)
The Rising Cost of Tickets During a Time of Anarchy, by Wendy Thurm
At this point, conditions have started to deteriorate and the government has abdicated responsibility. Should you still trust online ticket brokers?
Your Dream Co-Owners in the Afterlife
We asked our RotoGraphs writers to weigh in on who they’ll be asking to join their leagues as soon as we all arrive on the other side.
For real this time. There is no food left.
Thank you for stopping the meteor, Alex. Thank you for saving us. Thank you for saving us all.
Yesterday the Democrats prevailed over the Republicans, 15-6, in the annual Congressional Baseball Game. Here at the NotGraphs History Desk, in a comedic gambit best described as “desperate,” we were inspired to take a look back at some of the most memorable moments from CBG’s over the years.
1850: In a contest which pitted Democrats against the upstart Whigs, lanky southpaw Henry Clay soon proved so dominant that Democrat fans began leaving the ballpark in droves. In an impromptu and unprecedented move, the managers for the two sides put their heads together and came up with a solution: instead of needing just one strike for an out, Clay would be forced to record three. The Whigs won anyway, in a thrilling 9-8 walkoff, but the successful rule change would go down in history as the “Compromise of 1850.”
Somewhat at random this morning, I remembered the time in 2000 and 2001 when Minnesota Twins owner Carl Pohlad tried to get Major League Baseball to contract his team. It was an exceptionally traumatic moment in my life, one that will likely only be topped by family deaths and the moment my wife finally wises up and divorces me. Of course, I would never contract my own favorite team, but I would gladly contract yours if it gave mine a better path to competitiveness. Here is roughly the order I would contract in:
1) Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim – In part because they have been disloyal to first the state of California and then to the city of Anaheim, I want to punish them. But mostly it’s because I want to watch other teams scramble over Mike Trout and try to avoid getting stuck with Albert Pujols or Josh Hamilton.
2) Miami Marlins – If a baseball team is contracted in the woods, and no one is paying attention, does it make a sound?
3) Tampa Bay Rays – It’s unclear to me why Florida gets anything nice, let alone two baseball teams all to themselves that they largely ignore.
4) Atlanta Braves – The Cobb County thing rubs me the wrong way, and an underratedly obnoxious fanbase.
5) Washington Nationals – Should have been contracted back when they were in Montreal. This is just 10 years late.
6) Cleveland Indians – What it will probably take to finally getting Chief Wahoo out of baseball.
7) Oakland Athletics – What it will probably take to finally get the A’s out of Oakland and their sewage-flooded ballpark.
8) Chicago White Sox – I just like it when bad things happen to the White Sox. The Twins could go 0-143 against everyone else, but if they went 10-9 vs. the White Sox I’d be happy.
9) Toronto Blue Jays – U.S.A.! U.S.A.!
10) Chicago Cubs – How would removing them from the league after 1945 have altered baseball history at all? Plus, now we can cut down the ivy and find all the outfielders who have subsisted in there over the last 100 years.
11) Detroit Tigers – In retribution for destroying Tiger Stadium before I got to go there.
12) New York Mets – Mets fans would presumably welcome the extra misery.
13) Arizona Diamondbacks – Honestly, they should probably rank higher but I totally just forgot they were a baseball team until now.
14) Texas Rangers – Natural byproduct of all the injuries. I mean, they can’t even field a team right now.
15) Los Angeles Dodgers – You broke Brooklyn’s heart. And you destroyed a neighborhood. And your patron saint is Tommy Lasorda.
16) New York Yankees – Getting rid of them is, literally, the only way the Twins will ever advance in the postseason.
17) Seattle Mariners – Out of respect, should have retired with Jamie Moyer.
18) Milwaukee Brewers – Getting rid of the baseball games just leaves more time for tailgaiting in the Miller Park parking lots.
19) Colorado Rockies – Coors is not beer.
20) Cincinnati Reds – I don’t really understand why anyone lives in Cincinnati. I’ve never been there and know nothing about it, but I feel comfortable passing judgment. I do like that the city was stealth-named after George Washington though.
21) Philadelphia Phillies – Because those French fries last year were really bad, and because denying Phans an outlet for their rage might result in a city slowly turning on itself and losing its mind.
22) St. Louis Cardinals – I didn’t want to take away the one thing The Best Fans In Baseball™ have to live for. This is the classiest contraction I’ve ever seen though.
23) Kansas City Royals – You’re not even in Kansas. False advertising.
24) San Francisco Giants – How could they let Barry Bonds roam around free like that? Also, I was always really angry that Marvin Benard’s last name was missing another R.
25) Boston Red Sox – Since they suck this year, I forgot how annoying they can be.
26) Pittsburgh Pirates – I kept you guys around as long as possible because I love that ballpark and because, after so many years in the wilderness, Yinzers deserve to enjoy decent baseball for as long as possible.
27) Baltimore Orioles – Again, the ballpark kept them around. I needed to get more Boog’s before we got rid of this club.
28) Houston Astros – I saved them this long out of respect for J.R. Richard, the baddest that there ever was.
29) San Diego Padres – I still have to visit Petco, and baseball aside, everything about San Diego seems so damn pleasant.
30) Minnesota Twins – The cheese stands alone, but they’d probably still find some way to blow it. I(will) blame Mauer.
This has been Mike makes everybody mad at him.
Adam LaRoche’s superb clout sent a surging Washington through in a defensive contest in Milwaukee.
Matt Williams’ men top the table in the National League East and can take heart in a return to top form by Gio Gonzalez. The wily left-hander soon proved fit in his second start following a month’s rest due to shoulder injury. Having endured a dispiriting season Gonzalez was elated by the day’s result, with a sparkling off-speed ball helping him to a well-deserved clean sheet.
Central leaders Milwaukee battled gamely on their home pitch but the Nationals were clearly the better side. Whilst Gonzalez opened play masterfully with a mix of clever changeups and well-placed fastballs, his counterpart Matt Garza quickly found trouble as two heroic strikeouts were needed to parry a Nationals buildup in the second. No such joy awaited Ron Roenicke’s hurler in the third, as a canny walk by Anthony Rendon and a smartly knocked single by Jayson Werth set the table for LaRoche’s magnificent strike.
A daring run by Jean Segura then produced a decent chance for the Brewers, but the disappointing Ryan Braun could only flail half-heartedly at the ensuing balls and by inning’s end Gonzalez had the match well in hand.
Tempers had flared briefly in the second as an indignant Matt Williams was sent off following a dodgy strike call by the Minnesotan referee. Yet it seemed Washington were only emboldened by their manager’s departure and it was in the following frame that they opened the scoring in fine style.
Late sub Tyler Clippard turned heads with three neat punchouts, but by then the result was in little doubt as a disorganized Milwaukee side had failed to piece together a convincing attack.