Archive for Uncategorized

Yo momma’s so cheap, she didn’t even want to pay $35 for Troy Tulowitzki.

Yo momma’s so old, she remembers when Jamie Moyer was in his thirties.

Yo momma’s so poor, she can’t even afford fake auction money.

Yo momma’s so stupid, she thinks Jordan Zimmermann’s last name only has one N.

Yo momma’s so lazy, she didn’t make her own spreadsheet.

Yo momma’s so ugly, she made this awesome real-time-updated draft board I set up to work on my TV set crack in half.

Yo momma’s so fat, I couldn’t even see behind her, and notice you were holding up your hand to bid on Asdrubal Cabrera. So he went for $10 to someone else. Sorry. There are other decent shortstops available, though.

Somehow this one slipped between the cracks — C.J. Wilson pranked Mike Napoli… by putting the catcher’s phone number on twitter. He wasn’t particularly contrite about it afterwards either:

Perhaps “Nap Nap Weiner” will take an item off of this list of suggested revenge pranks?

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Table of Contents

Here’s the table of contents for today’s edition of Daily Dotes.

1. “Dote” Defined
2. Santorum takes his cuts.
3. Garfoosian Wisdom

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The ballplayers above share nothing but a love of the game, the ability to look good in a round-topped, large-billed cap, and the appearance of their names in at least one sentence of standard English. Not just any sentence, mind you; a Memorable Quote from a Classic Film. Proceed.

Should you be the first to crack my rebus, I will a) write all about it in my diary and b) reward you by letting you name the topic of my next post. (Click to embiggen)

(numbers through Saturday)

1. Mark DeRosa (WSH) has 8 walks in 22 plate appearances. I would say this sounds like Mark DeRosa has decided he should no longer swing the bat, except he also has 6 hits in 14 at-bats, including a double and a home run. Last year, with 86 major league at-bats, Mark DeRosa had 8 walks, 2 doubles, and zero home runs. Last year, with 47 minor league at-bats, Mark DeRosa had 1 walk, 2 doubles, and zero home runs.

2. Brett Lawrie (TOR), who had a .953 OPS last season, has a 1.582 OPS this spring, and 5 stolen bases (he had 7, in 150 at-bats, last year). I wish Brett Lawrie wasn’t protected in all of my fantasy leagues.

3. No one has three triples yet. Among those with 2: Brandon Wood (COL). Wood actually has 8 career Spring Training triples. In 700 major league at-bats, Brandon Wood has zero triples.

4. Wade LeBlanc (MIA) is a monster. 10.1 innings. 1 hit. 9 strikeouts. Last spring, he gave up 17 earned runs in 19 2/3 innings.

5. Most innings pitched with zero strikeouts: Mike Pelfrey (NYM), with 7 innings. (12 hits, 8 runs, 3 home runs allowed….)

6. Julio Teheran (ATL) has given up 8 home runs in 9 innings. No one, last spring, gave up more than 7 home runs. In 2010, one person did. It was Mike Pelfrey. Ha. Going back to 2006, Brandon Backe gave up 12 home runs in 27 1/3 spring innings. Brandon Backe gave up 36 major league home runs, in 166 2/3 innings in the 2008 regular season. That is a lot.

Because not all men are Dayn Perry, the world is less drunk beautiful than it could be.

Because I am not Dayn Perry, I could not post about the Miami Marlins theme song that is not the Miami Marlins’ theme song fast enough. (Hat tip to NotGraphs reader Jackson, nonetheless.) So now, I have to ride Mr. Perry’s coattails.

If, after reading Dayn’s post and consuming the aforementioned tuneage, you neglected to explore the array of similar videos suggested by YouTube, you missed some gems.

One such video, presumably directed by Michael Bay and produced by Daktronics Creative Services “to help unveil the new logo for the Miami Marlins . . . played at the first ever event at [the Marlins’] new stadium on November 11, 2011. It was a special event for the media, city and county officials as VIPs of the team introduced the stadium, the new logo, the name change and the look of their new uniforms.”

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— But, you will say, every moment in naked baseball is a great moment in naked baseball. And to that I say, Quite so. Should that prohibit us from enumerating them and celebrating their greatness? Well then. There are so, so many places we might start. But the best place, I propose, in keeping with our dedication to the Picture and its ever-increasing exchange rate with the Word, is that place at which naked baseball was first photographically documented: at which its joys, theretofore private and ephemeral, were first entrusted to posterity.

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Can we learn anything from the mysterious ways of the universe?

Probably not.

But here are some anagrams of the names of a few of baseball’s top prospects that may be able to give us some insight into their future success or failure:

James Paxton, P, Mariners: Met, Sox, Japan

Randall Delgado, P, Braves: A Gnarled Old Lad

Julio Teheran, P, Braves: Injure To Heal

Devin Mesoraco, C, Reds: Manic Overdose

Jedd Gyorko, 3B, Padres: Joky Dodger

Yasmani Grandal, C, Padres: A Damning Salary

Jake Odorizzi, P, Royals: Rookie I’d Jazz

Xander Bogaerts, SS, Red Sox: A Sandbox Regret

(Thanks, Internet Anagram Server)

(Player) Turning Heads in (location of MLB team Spring Training facility)

By (National Baseball Writer)

(PLACE IN FLORIDA OR ARIZONA) — While most of the attention in (team’s) camp has been focused on (more valuable, better paid player who is returning from an injury), (less known, bad player — possibly a non-roster invitee) has quietly been catching the eyes of (team’s) officials.

Aware that he is likely down to his last life in professional baseball, (Player) surprised the (team) when he arrived for Spring Training “in the best shape of his life.” Through his first (less than 5) games, (player) has made it clear that he intends to make the most of this opportunity.

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Sonny Gray, Oakland A’s prospect.

Man i got jalapenoed at lunch.. Still suffering from the aftermath..

— Sonny Gray(@SonnyGray2) February 25, 2012

Oh my.. My little sister @KatieGray24 just farted and is trying to wave it in my face.

— Sonny Gray(@SonnyGray2) February 7, 2012

I don’t always drink beer but when i do.. Sometimes i drink root beer

— Sonny Gray(@SonnyGray2) February 27, 2012

Oscar Meyer weiners

— Sonny Gray(@SonnyGray2) February 27, 2012

Fell asleep on the couch last night at 11 and woke up in my bed. Hope my sleep walking is not coming back

— Sonny Gray(@SonnyGray2) February 4, 2012

Eating mystery meat for breakfast

— Sonny Gray(@SonnyGray2) January 31, 2012

My waitress has the worst name.. Inita.. Inita my drink Inita

— Sonny Gray(@SonnyGray2) February 25, 2012

My mouth is so numb numb numb numb

— Sonny Gray(@SonnyGray2) February 2, 2012

There is a blind man at the movie theatre..

— Sonny Gray(@SonnyGray2) January 30, 2012

Why are farts so dang funny

— Sonny Gray(@SonnyGray2) February 28, 2012

I hate croutons

— Sonny Gray(@SonnyGray2) January 14, 2012