The Wall Street Journal released their Best and Worst Jobs of 2012 list yesterday. It is an interesting list, aside from one glaring omission (click to embiggen):

Doorbell rings

Me: Ummmm, Mr. Selig, hi. What are you doi…

Selig enters the house and begins to look around.

Me: Yes, please come in. Can I get you something to…

Selig: This is a nice little place you have here.

Me: Thank you, sir.

Selig: I really like the decor. And please, call me “Commissioner.”

Me: Certainly, Commissioner. Thank you.

Selig continues to make his way through the house, snooping around.

Selig: What’s this?

Me: Oh that. That’s just my baseball card collection.

Selig: Baseball cards! I love baseball cards. Mind if I take a look?

Me: No sir, uh, Commissioner. Go ahead.

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(Player) Turning Heads in (location of MLB team Spring Training facility)

By (National Baseball Writer)

(PLACE IN FLORIDA OR ARIZONA) — While most of the attention in (team’s) camp has been focused on (more valuable, better paid player who is returning from an injury), (less known, bad player — possibly a non-roster invitee) has quietly been catching the eyes of (team’s) officials.

Aware that he is likely down to his last life in professional baseball, (Player) surprised the (team) when he arrived for Spring Training “in the best shape of his life.” Through his first (less than 5) games, (player) has made it clear that he intends to make the most of this opportunity.

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First off, I believe an apology is in order to all of the dedicated saberers who will be attending the SABR Analytics Conference in Phoenix in just over two weeks. When I was making arrangements for the inaugural Notalytics Conference, I was unaware that SABR’s event was scheduled for the same weekend, so I apologize in advance for the fact that your event will not be as well attended as it has been in years past.

The Notalytics Conference will be held at the Tipperary Lodge in beautiful Buffalo, South Dakota (just 141 miles north of Mount Rushmore). Registration is not required, so if you’re in the area, feel free to just drop on by. Here’s a rundown of the panels and presentations that are sure to make this a memorable event:

THURSDAY, MARCH 15

Panel Discussions:

1:30-2:45 p.m.: The Changing Face of Baseball Facial Hair Trends
Speakers: Carson Cistulli, NotGraphs; Dayn Perry, NotGraphs; Rollie Fingers, Baseball. Moderator: Eric Augenbraun

6:00-7:00 p.m.: Towards a Critical Theory of Peter Gammons Tweets
Speakers: Avital Ronell, Professor of Philosophy at the European Graduate School; Eric Augenbraun, NotGraphs; Slavoj Zizek, University of Ljubljana, European Graduate School. Moderator: Carson Cistulli.

Individual Presentations:

3:00-3:45 p.m.: IP1—Navin Vaswani, “Shit Joe West Has Ejected and Where”
3:00-3:45 p.m.: IP2—Summer Anne Burton, “Tweet Illustrating Explained”
3:45-4:30 p.m.: IP3—Eno Sarris, “How To Write For Every Baseball Site On The Internet”

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Step 1: Even (especially*) if you are at work, turn up the volume on your computer.

Step 2: Open the following two links simultaneously:

–One

–Two

Step 3: Bask in the glory.

*Disclaimer: NotGraphs accepts no responsibility in the event that you are fired from your job.

Rookie of the Year updated for 2012:

Doctor: I’m sorry to hear you’re out of work, Mrs. Rowengartner, but if you no longer have health insurance then you’ll have to find a way to pay for Henry’s shoulder surgery yourself.

*Smack*

Doctor: FUNKY BUTTLOVIN”!!!

(Later, outside of the doctor’s office, Henry’s Mom sits at the bus stop looking distraught.)

Henry: Don’t worry about that medical bill, Mom. I think I have an idea…

One thing that NotGraphs readers might not know about me is that I’m a huge fan of alternate history stories. This is one reason that I found this Bleacher Report article/slideshow so utterly enthralling. 

So enthralling, indeed, that I felt compelled to take the premise and run with it. Please find my Jesus Montero “What Would Have Been” moment submissions below.

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To Whom It May Concern:

Hello. This is J.G. Taylor Spink Award winner and New York Times baseball scribe emeritus Murray Chass. I am writing to inquire about the open position in the “MLB Fan Cave” for which I have received numerous electronic mail solicitations.

With respect to my qualifications for the position, I think my curriculum vitae speaks for itself. Let me repeat: J.G. Taylor Spink, New York Times, Associated Press, BBWAA, etc. I have enclosed a copy herewith.

Now that we have those formalities out of the way, I would like to discuss my vision for this year’s cave as well as the terms and conditions under which I will accept your offer for employment for the 2012 season.

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With few job prospects left in the world of professional baseball, it is no secret that Jose Canseco is desperate to find steady employment. Having somehow caught wind of the fact that NotGraphs writers are compensated handsomely for their efforts, late last night Canseco dropped us a line…well, several lines. They are posted below. 

It’s not as if Canseco is wholly unqualified to blog (indeed, one of the great things about blogging is that anyone can do it), as he has “written” two books. In my opinion, it is an offer worth seriously considering.

Just saw the movie money ball.

Carson is probably as good looking as jonah hill

I am going to blog this year.

Carson cistulli call me would love to blog for you just give me a tryout that’s all I ask

Carson cistulli email me Jc7264@yahoo.com

Bloggers love bill James and the Red Sox hired him .that’s from the movie money ball .bloggers love me maybe they can hire me

Is a little tryout to much to ask for

I guess murderers and child molestors get more chances than I do

When I was a young child — no older than five or six — I owned a plastic Phillies helmet. It was basically a bigger version of those helmets they serve ice cream in at the ballpark, or a cheaper version of the helmets that catchers wear.

I loved this helmet. Indeed, it was one of my most prized possessions. So prized, in fact, that I wore it everywhere. I think I saw it as my connection to the surprising 1993 team that ultimately made the World Series and introduced me to baseball fandom.

One beautiful summer day, my grandparents took me and my two-and-a-half-year-old brother for an outing to the Philadelphia Zoo. (Please allow me to use this space to thank my grandparents for the many enjoyable outings they took me and my brother on when we were little. Allow me to also use this space to say damn my grandparents for letting me wear a friggin’ baseball helmet to the zoo.)

This particular day at the zoo began like any other. Ooooh, lions. Ooooh, snakes. Ooooh, polar bears. Animals are great — especially when viewed from a safe distance and/or behind three inches of glass.

It wasn’t until we reached my favorite part of the zoo — the primates — that the trip took a disastrous turn.

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