Felix Cortez Reyes Sarris was born yesterday afternoon. Now all eight-pounds-plus of him is barreling towards a career squaring the barrel or barreling the best.

Or not, of course. Whichever sport he plays or doesn’t play is going to be fine by me. A name like Felix puts him on a list with many notable baseball players, but it’ll also give him something in common with a revered economist.

But you know the trite-and-true saying:

“Give a man three baseball names and and a baseball in his left hand, and he’s probably headed towards being a LOOGY at worst.”

The handsome and besexed reader has no doubt been waiting, breath breathily bated, for news on the unfurling 2007 controversy surrounding the New Bedford, Massachusetts Youth Baseball League. To update:

– A 92-signature petition requesting the presumably blood-soaked removal of the league’s Executive Board has been filed with the Attorney General’s Office.

– Said Executive Board curiously won quite a large share of those league raffle dollars, in some instances, oddly enough, in increments roughly proportional to the amount of power wielded by each member of the Executive Board.

– Ejected coaches are supposed to be fined, and the coach of Manny’s Barber Shop totally was indeed fined upon being ejected. Not fined for being ejected, however, was Coach DeGrasse, who, it so happens, is a member of the Executive Board.

– Complain to the mayor about the conduct of the Executive Board, and you shall be relieved of coaching duties. At least that’s what happened to the former Coach Pereira.

– League Vice President Heather Rowan was allegedly “talking about vibrators in front of the kids.”

– Someone, someone possibly with allegiances to Ma’s Donuts, threw a rock and hit the parent of a player for Manny’s Barbershop, a team already the target of previous ruthlessness on the part of the Executive Board.

– As well, there is an almost palpable lack of “urgency from them [the big assholes of the Executive Board] to find out who threw the rock.”

– As well, there is an almost palpable “conspiracy to expel me [Coach Duarte, of Manny’s Barber Shop] from the league . . .”

Developing.

Some questions are designed to elicit an expression of opinion; others, a statement of fact. If asked for his thoughts on arugula, for example, the reader would be equally justified in saying that it does or does not appeal to him. When asked how many inches are in a foot, however, the reader would have no such latitude.

The question “Who is the best short-story writer of any epoch?” belongs to the latter category. The answer, as if I even need to tell such a vigorously bespectacled reader, is late Russian author Daniil Kharms (pictured menacingly, Russianly to the right).

In celebration not only of Kharms’ achievement as a litterateur, but also of a certain achievement by the Kansas City Royals from their game on Monday night, I present here Kharms’ very short story Falling Old Ladies (translator unknown), with the characters replaced by Royals baserunners.

This or that reader might recognize some similarity between this experiment and one rendered into actual book form by noted author Ben Greenman. In response to said observation, I reply only that I’ve never heard either of (a) that book you’re talking about or (b) whomever “Ben Greenman” is, so stop acting ridiculous for once.

Falling Royals Baserunners

Because of his excessive enthusiasm, a Royals baserunner attempted to advance and was thrown out.

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Oh, hello. Didn’t see you there.

Allow me to introduce myself: my name is Carson Cistulli. It’s possible you’ve heard of me, but no problem if you haven’t.

Professionally speaking, I’m an editor at FanGraphs.com, a popular internet baseball site. More relevant to this conversation, however, I’m a member of this country’s aristocratic class — and I’d like to help you become one, too.

I understand you’ve just made $251.5 million. Congratulations. But understand that liquid assets — regardless of their volume — do not an aristocrat make. In fact, the greatest scourge on this country is not the economy nor a woman’s right to do any number of things of her own volition, but rather a terrorist cell known as the Noveau Riche. More on that later, though.

For now, here are five guidelines to help make your transition to the aristocracy an easy one.

Hire a valet, or gentleman’s gentleman.
Preferably of English extraction, although any of the Home Nations will do. This gentleman will make your life bearable, and you’ll wonder how you ever lived in his absence.

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Rolling Stone’s Matt Taibbi in 2009: “Whereas a guy like Teixeira was born with a swing so gorgeous you want to paint it, Youkilis fighting a middle reliever to a nine-pitch walk looks like a rhinoceros trying to fuck a washing machine.”

Rolling Stone’s Matt Taibbi in 2012: “Tim Tebow trying to throw a forward pass is like a moose trying to fuck a washing machine.”

Mr. Taibbi is a fairly prolific lad, so in some ways it’s excusable not to have a running mental catalog of the jokes one has cracked. Still, Taibbi’s dragging a simile howling from the vaults is like watching a washing machine trying to fuck sports.

Phoenix, AZ — Before 2011, Adam Dunn had long been known as a three-true-outcome hitter. Unfortunately, last season, one of those outcomes occurred almost to the exclusion of the other two.

But Dunn believes he’s found a way to remedy the contact issues that sabotaged his 2011 campaign.

By hitting off a tee.

“It’s way easier,” explained a noticeably unburdened Dunn. “You just go out there, set up the tee, put a ball on top, and go. The base of the tee is even shaped like home plate, which is a real convenience.”

Dunn practices his new technique at the White Sox spring-training home.

The left-handed slugger has some idea as to why his strikeout rates have been so high in past years. “It’s pitchers, mostly. What I’ve noticed is, is they’ll impart different spins to the ball or change speeds — that sort of thing. As a result, it’s hard to know where and when exactly to swing the bat.”

Dunn is optimistic that the batting tee will help considerably. “I think, with this new arrangement, you’re going to see my strikeout numbers drop a lot. I don’t want to put a precise number on it — that just creates expectations and pressure — but I’d be real surprised if I didn’t at least half my Ks this year.”

The Mets’ ownership recently settled the infamous Bernie Madoff-related lawsuit for a reported $162 million. That money could have gone to much better uses, such as charities; or, better yet, the items listed below:

• 3.6 million: clipboards made of body armor.

• 1.62 million: buckets of baseballs

• 269,550: shares of Apple, Inc.

• 27,000: of these $6,000 toilets that include a touchscreen remote control and feet warmer.

• 6.37: seasons of Albert Pujols.

• 3.14159265: Cistullis.

• 1: episode’s worth of FCC fines accrued by Dayn Perry on FanGraphs Audio.

Oh, and a partridge in a pear tree.

Doorbell rings

Me: Ummmm, Mr. Selig, hi. What are you doi…

Selig enters the house and begins to look around.

Me: Yes, please come in. Can I get you something to…

Selig: This is a nice little place you have here.

Me: Thank you, sir.

Selig: I really like the decor. And please, call me “Commissioner.”

Me: Certainly, Commissioner. Thank you.

Selig continues to make his way through the house, snooping around.

Selig: What’s this?

Me: Oh that. That’s just my baseball card collection.

Selig: Baseball cards! I love baseball cards. Mind if I take a look?

Me: No sir, uh, Commissioner. Go ahead.

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Daniel Bard was sitting at the breakfast table, considering his spring-training performance with some anxiety.

“More walks than strikeouts?” he said to no one — as no one was there. “How is that even possible? I’m Daniel Bard. I’m noted for possessing what scouts and demi-scouts refer to as ‘easy velocity.’ I’m open-minded as regards the application of quantitaive analysis to baseball. Werner Herzog once used footage of my two-seam fastball as a metaphor for the destructive forces extant in nature, I think he said it was. I was recently featured as a centerfold in the New England Journal of Medicine, which I’m pretty sure is a unique honor. Many of Aesop’s fables are taken directly from my life — obliquely, if not explicitly. Though I was previously unfamiliar with the word, I intuited the definition of necromancy given its roots from the Ancient Greek nekrós (meaning ‘dead body’) and manteía (‘prophecy’ or ‘divination’). Recently, as a challenge to myself, I conducted a conversation with trainer Rick Jameyson entirely in iambic pentameter without him noticing…”

He continued in this manner for some time. When he stopped, he found that he was no longer at the breakfast table, but rather sitting in front of his locker… having already pitched four innings in that day’s game!

It’s at this point that the reader will ask, “Were they successful innings?” Ha! That’s a good one, guy! As if success were a real entity!

While, as Mike Axisa noted yesterday in these pages, most of Team FanGraphs has returned from its annual pilgrimage to the American Desert, such is not the case for our masculine and dangerous founder, David Appelman. Instead, Appelman has — in the tradition of some Native American tribes and also ASU freshmen — has embarked upon a vision quest in the lands surrounding Phoenix.

For obvious reasons, it’s impossible to remain in contact with Appelman as he traverses the parched landscape, naked but for blue jeans and a developing taste for coyote meat. However, evidence of his hallucinogenic walkabout arrived by mail yesterday and has been embedded in this post for the reader’s consideration.

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