A Visit from Bud

 

Doorbell rings

Me: Ummmm, Mr. Selig, hi. What are you doi…

Selig enters the house and begins to look around.

Me: Yes, please come in. Can I get you something to…

Selig: This is a nice little place you have here.

Me: Thank you, sir.

Selig: I really like the decor. And please, call me “Commissioner.”

Me: Certainly, Commissioner. Thank you.

Selig continues to make his way through the house, snooping around.

Selig: What’s this?

Me: Oh that. That’s just my baseball card collection.

Selig: Baseball cards! I love baseball cards. Mind if I take a look?

Me: No sir, uh, Commissioner. Go ahead.

Selig begins to shuffle through the cards.

Selig: McGwire, cheater. Sosa, cheater. Palmeiro, cheater. Braun, ugh. Don’t even get me started. Dykstra, psychopath. Oh, wow, what’s this? Jackie Robinson.

Me: Yeah, my Dad gave it to me. It’s one of my favorites.

Selig: Indeed, Robinson was a great man.

Selig continues to look through the cards, licking his teeth as he does so.

Selig: All in all, it’s a pretty impressive collection you have here.

Me: Thank you.

Selig: Probably worth a pretty penny.

Me: I think that’s right.

Selig: Say you were to have a fire or a flood or a burglary, God forbid, it’d be a real tragedy to lose such a cherished keepsake.

Me: Yes, it would. But I don’t think that’s very likely.

Selig: Sure, sure, sure. It’s not very likely, but those kind of things happen, you know. I’m just speaking hypothetically right now, but heaven forbid something like that were to happen to you.

Me: …

Selig moves close enough for me to smell his breath.

Selig: A man like you would certainly be smart enough to want…protection…from those kinds of possibilities.

Me: Yes?

Selig: Correct answer! And it just so happens that I have a long and decorated career providing just the kind of protection you need.

Me: That’s a relief.

Selig: Excellent! So we have an agreement. Someone will be by every week to collect your payment.

Selig grabs my hand and shakes it firmly and then starts out the door.

Selig: Oh yeah, and one more thing: it would behoove you NOT to miss a payment.

He exits.

(H/T Lance Berkman)