A Visit from Bud


Doorbell rings

Me: Ummmm, Mr. Selig, hi. What are you doi…

Selig enters the house and begins to look around.

Me: Yes, please come in. Can I get you something to…

Selig: This is a nice little place you have here.

Me: Thank you, sir.

Selig: I really like the decor. And please, call me “Commissioner.”

Me: Certainly, Commissioner. Thank you.

Selig continues to make his way through the house, snooping around.

Selig: What’s this?

Me: Oh that. That’s just my baseball card collection.

Selig: Baseball cards! I love baseball cards. Mind if I take a look?

Me: No sir, uh, Commissioner. Go ahead.

Selig begins to shuffle through the cards.

Selig: McGwire, cheater. Sosa, cheater. Palmeiro, cheater. Braun, ugh. Don’t even get me started. Dykstra, psychopath. Oh, wow, what’s this? Jackie Robinson.

Me: Yeah, my Dad gave it to me. It’s one of my favorites.

Selig: Indeed, Robinson was a great man.

Selig continues to look through the cards, licking his teeth as he does so.

Selig: All in all, it’s a pretty impressive collection you have here.

Me: Thank you.

Selig: Probably worth a pretty penny.

Me: I think that’s right.

Selig: Say you were to have a fire or a flood or a burglary, God forbid, it’d be a real tragedy to lose such a cherished keepsake.

Me: Yes, it would. But I don’t think that’s very likely.

Selig: Sure, sure, sure. It’s not very likely, but those kind of things happen, you know. I’m just speaking hypothetically right now, but heaven forbid something like that were to happen to you.


Selig moves close enough for me to smell his breath.

Selig: A man like you would certainly be smart enough to want…protection…from those kinds of possibilities.

Me: Yes?

Selig: Correct answer! And it just so happens that I have a long and decorated career providing just the kind of protection you need.

Me: That’s a relief.

Selig: Excellent! So we have an agreement. Someone will be by every week to collect your payment.

Selig grabs my hand and shakes it firmly and then starts out the door.

Selig: Oh yeah, and one more thing: it would behoove you NOT to miss a payment.

He exits.

(H/T Lance Berkman)


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Eric writes about the Phillies at The Good Phight. Follow him on Twitter.

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“Selig moves close enough for me to smell his breath.”

I can only imagine that he wasn’t very close to you at all.

Im Yovani Gallardo
Im Yovani Gallardo

I can only imagine Colby Rasmus’ breath would easily out-stink Selig’s