Some questions are designed to elicit an expression of opinion; others, a statement of fact. If asked for his thoughts on arugula, for example, the reader would be equally justified in saying that it does or does not appeal to him. When asked how many inches are in a foot, however, the reader would have no such latitude.

The question “Who is the best short-story writer of any epoch?” belongs to the latter category. The answer, as if I even need to tell such a vigorously bespectacled reader, is late Russian author Daniil Kharms (pictured menacingly, Russianly to the right).

In celebration not only of Kharms’ achievement as a litterateur, but also of a certain achievement by the Kansas City Royals from their game on Monday night, I present here Kharms’ very short story Falling Old Ladies (translator unknown), with the characters replaced by Royals baserunners.

This or that reader might recognize some similarity between this experiment and one rendered into actual book form by noted author Ben Greenman. In response to said observation, I reply only that I’ve never heard either of (a) that book you’re talking about or (b) whomever “Ben Greenman” is, so stop acting ridiculous for once.

Falling Royals Baserunners

Because of his excessive enthusiasm, a Royals baserunner attempted to advance and was thrown out.

Another Royals baserunner, noting the extent of his teammate’s pleasure from before, attempted to advance — but out of his excessive enthusiam he was also thrown out.

Then a third Royals baserunner was thrown out, then the fourth, then the fifth.

When the sixth Royals baserunner was thrown out attempting to advance, I got bored watching them and turned to an infomercial for a detergent that, if words are to be believed, will make my whites almost violently white.