So, You Just Made $251.5 Million

Oh, hello. Didn’t see you there.

Allow me to introduce myself: my name is Carson Cistulli. It’s possible you’ve heard of me, but no problem if you haven’t.

Professionally speaking, I’m an editor at FanGraphs.com, a popular internet baseball site. More relevant to this conversation, however, I’m a member of this country’s aristocratic class — and I’d like to help you become one, too.

I understand you’ve just made $251.5 million. Congratulations. But understand that liquid assets — regardless of their volume — do not an aristocrat make. In fact, the greatest scourge on this country is not the economy nor a woman’s right to do any number of things of her own volition, but rather a terrorist cell known as the Noveau Riche. More on that later, though.

For now, here are five guidelines to help make your transition to the aristocracy an easy one.

Hire a valet, or gentleman’s gentleman.
Preferably of English extraction, although any of the Home Nations will do. This gentleman will make your life bearable, and you’ll wonder how you ever lived in his absence.

Send your children to boarding school.
Like, today. Don’t have children? Send someone else’s, then. Avoid the most conservative schools, like Exeter. Consider something like Deerfield or Milton, instead. There are also a number of credible international options.

Learn the term noblesse oblige.
No one actually knows what it means, so don’t concern yourself with that. Do consider sprinkling the term into conversation occasionally, though — preferably with a serious expression on your face.

Vote for John F. Kennedy — in every election.
Kennedy is the last beloved American leader. That he’s dead is of no consequence: your actions will be celebrated both as (a) a protest of the status quo and (b) charmingly idiosyncratic. What’s that? You’re Canadian? Ha! That’s funny.

Drink this.
It’s called Armagnac. It’s like cognac, but from a specific region in France. This is good information I’m giving you.