Despite spending the entire 1976 season in the minors, a 39 year-old Diego Segui received a 1977 Topps card wearing a gigantic fake batting helmet. That helmet, and Diego Segui, are not the subject of this article.

On the back of Diego Segui’s 1977 Topps baseball card is a cartoon drawing of a man holding a ball on the ground and a hat on his head. Both seem perfectly stationary without help, but the man is happy, so let’s not judge. The caption: “John Hatfield threw a ball 133 yards 1 foot 7.5 inches, 9-15-1872.”

He did this, although it was in October, rather than September. It’s not the record, nor was it in 1977 when Diego Segui was having giant fake batting helmets painted on his head. It doesn’t matter. You do not know what to do with this information. 133 yards 1 foot 7.5 inches seems like a long way to throw a baseball. It seems like a long enough way to jog. But how long is it, compared to how far Yoenis Cespedes could throw? Compared to Johnny Damon? You’ll never know. Everyone who broke the record hurt their arm soon afterward. They stopped trying.

We do know that John Hatfield won $25 in a baseball-throwing contest. We do not know what he did with the money. We do not know where he slept that night, whether he was alone, whether he cried about anything, whether he spent the money on booze and licorice, or whether licorice existed then. We do not know which places he wished he could have gone, how much his hands hurt, what his last words were. We know that he is dead. We know that every person he ever met, any object he created, every accomplishment he earned, every idea and joy that he ever had in his life are gone, now, shuttled from neural synapses to the corner of a hard drive in a dark server room and forgotten.

Except one afternoon, a dozen seconds of one afternoon, where he threw a baseball 133 yards 1 foot 7.5 inches. Except that, the back of Diego Segui’s 1977 Topps card, and this.

1. Will the Royals Repeat?
2. Ned Yost and the 15-Year Extension
3. Who’s Laughing at Dayton Moore Now?
4. An Undefeated April for the Royals
5. How Kansas City Became Baseball’s #1 Town
6. Rany Jazayerli Literally Explodes
7. Looking at Wade Davis’s Perfect Season
8. Yordano Ventura: Cy Young Contender
9. Danny Duffy: Cy Young Contender
10. Bruce Chen is a Royal Again
11. Bruce Chen: Cy Young Contender
12. Ned Yost and the 25-Year Extension
13. Has a Team Ever Been Undefeated at the All-Star Break?
14. Why Are the Other Teams Even Bothering To Play?
15. Alex Gordon for Mike Trout?

Regular golf is for aristocrats; frisbee golf is for hipsters — and now we have a game for the shirsey-wearing once-jock, the be-pit-stained fan of stretchy shorts and gaudy, utilitarian sunglasses. I present, ladies and gentlefolk, Fungo Golf:

The question is not: Who thinks that looks fun? The question is: Who wants to join my new league?

This hat tip goes, as they all do eventually, like a bottle rolled down hill, to the Well-Beered English Sir.

In the wake of shortstop Everth Cabrera’s recent arrest for driving under the influence of marijuana, Baseball has begun cracking down on other “pothead-type offenses,” Sgt. Joe Friday announced on Friday in a sergeant-like voice.

“Why are we cracking down on other pothead-type offenses?” the sergeant then asked, rhetorically and quite dramatically. “Because the next tragedy may be that of your catcher … or your pitcher … or yours, or yours … ”

He then pointed into a news camera that had not yet been turned on and declared, “… or YOURS.” (The sergeant would later learn that even though the camera had not captured his statement, a teenager had, on his iPhone, and after auto-tuning it had created a YouTube video that quickly received more than 20 million views, and so the sergeant was very pleased.)

The first player to suffer under Baseball’s new policy: veteran infielder {name redacted}, taken into custody during a bootleg Pink Floyd laser light show in an abandoned warehouse in downtown {town redacted}. After making bail, Player X told a reporter for Laser Times magazine, “I’m just sitting there watching this super-cool supernova of spatially coherent light and really opening my mind to the possibilities of both the universe and abandoned warehouses when Johnny Law busts in and starts harshing my mind buzz, like going all Captain Bringdown on my visual cortex. And he’s like, ‘Put down that Red Bull, get up from that seat and put your hands behind your back, you laser-light-loving punk!’ And I’m just like, ‘OK.’
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You at home count along. The answer is below the jump:

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In 1970, American psychologist Abraham Maslow presented the amended version of his Hierarchy of Needs pictured here. For a number of reasons — like, for example, how slowly retiring Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter hadn’t even been born yet — the work was dismissed as the product of senility. Maslow would die of a heart attack in June of that year, the original iteration of Hierarchy the only one to outlive him.

A black-and-white Gatorade commercial released today, however, confirms what was obvious to the prescient Maslow four decades ago and has become ever more clear during the Captain’s 20-year career — namely, that there seems to exist a deep and pressing need to render into glowing narrative terms the works and days of Derek Jeter.

With a view, then, to helping the whole world perform this vital act more ably, the editors of NotGraphs have produced the following — that is, a summary of Ronald Tobias’s 20 basic plot structures featuring Derek Jeter’s name inserted into all of them, with a view to increasing both the quantity and quality of Jeter narratives of the future.

1. Quest
Derek Jeter searches for something, someone, or somewhere. In reality, he may be searching for himself, with the outer journey mirrored internally. He may be joined by a companion, who takes care of minor details and whose limitations contrast with Derek Jeter’s greater qualities.

2. Adventure
Derek Jetergoes on an adventure, much like in a quest, but with less of a focus on the end goal or the personal development of Derek Jeter. In the adventure, there is more action for action’s sake.

3. Pursuit
In this plot, the focus is on the chase, with one person chasing Derek Jeter (and perhaps with multiple and alternating chases). Derek Jeter may be often cornered and somehow escape, so that the pursuit can continue. Depending on the story, Derek Jeter may be caught or may escape.

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A bunch of the new fall series are about baseball!

Bad Judge, starring Kevin James as a big league umpire who’s legally blind.

Forever, starring Julio Franco as a baseball player who never dies.

The McCarthys, a reality show following Brandon McCarthy and his family (hey, I’d watch that!).

Red Band Society, about a marching band that follows the Reds on all of their road trips (wow, I’m really stretching here).

and

The Mysteries of Laura, about why the closest thing I can find to a baseball player with a name sort of like Laura is some guy named Lauro Ramirez who is pitching in the Mexican League.

“Any new shows that you’re looking forward to, readers?” is my blatant attempt to salvage a very short post by inviting lots of comments! (Hopeless Joe will have his take on the new fall season next week, after he finishes the sixteen episodes of Chopped taking up all of the space on his DVR.)

HELSINKI — For the 4,836th consecutive week — and despite having been deceased for nearly 50 years — former major-league right-hander John Michaelson has been selected as the Finnish national baseball team’s alumnus of the week.

A native of Taivalkoski in the Northern Ostrobothnia region of Finland, Michaelson emigrated to the United States at a young age and faced 11 batters with the White Sox in 1921 — or, roughly an infinite percent more than any other Finnish person has ever done. After baseball, he was definitely a painting contractor and also died in Wisconsin.

In conclusion, life is a frozen cauldron of disappointments.

Here at NotGraphs, we take comedy seriously. Example: Each morning, rather than perform the standard 500 knee bends and 500 jumping jacks, I stand on the porch and quip 1,000 times, “I just got out of bed and, boy, are my arms tired!” Additional example: Each night as I go to bed, instead of brushing my standard teeth and reciting the standard prayers, I commence the ancient practice of pretending to churn butter, which is something I do throughout the night and into the morning.

I’m not sure what churning butter – or pretending to churn butter – has to do with serious comedy, but the point is this: Using the newly announced FanGraphs Player of the Year Award as our muse and guide, we here at NotGraphs do hereby announce the NotGraphs Player of the Year Award!

(Hold for applause.)

(While holding for applause, brush teeth.)
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For sixty years, from 1940 to 2000, the Diablos Rojos del México played at Parque Delta (called Parque del Seguro Social for most of its life, from 1955-2000). Since then, the Diablos have played at Foro Sol, and Parque Delta has been a mall. Last Thursday, Foro Sol hosted its last baseball game. Next year, Formula 1 is returning to Mexico City, and the racetrack that runs around the outside of Foro Sol needs renovating. I’m not entirely sure what is happening to Foro Sol, but I do know that the racetrack renovations mean that it won’t be baseball-sized, and won’t be the Diablos’ home anymore. Alfredo Harp Helú, the team owner (also part owner of the San Diego Padres), has said that there will be a new baseball-only stadium in 2016. This is excellent news. You will notice, though, that there’s a one-season gap between that last game at Foro Sol and the new stadium’s expected date. It was confirmed just a few days ago that the Diablos Rojos will be playing at a 3,000-capacity park just one subway station away called Estadio Fray Nano.
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