Player Arrested For Being Under the Influence of Pink Floyd

laser show summer 2

In the wake of shortstop Everth Cabrera’s recent arrest for driving under the influence of marijuana, Baseball has begun cracking down on other “pothead-type offenses,” Sgt. Joe Friday announced on Friday in a sergeant-like voice.

Why are we cracking down on other pothead-type offenses?” the sergeant then asked, rhetorically and quite dramatically. “Because the next tragedy may be that of your catcher … or your pitcher … or yours, or yours … ”

He then pointed into a news camera that had not yet been turned on and declared, “… or YOURS.” (The sergeant would later learn that even though the camera had not captured his statement, a teenager had, on his iPhone, and after auto-tuning it had created a YouTube video that quickly received more than 20 million views, and so the sergeant was very pleased.)

The first player to suffer under Baseball’s new policy: veteran infielder {name redacted}, taken into custody during a bootleg Pink Floyd laser light show in an abandoned warehouse in downtown {town redacted}. After making bail, Player X told a reporter for Laser Times magazine, “I’m just sitting there watching this super-cool supernova of spatially coherent light and really opening my mind to the possibilities of both the universe and abandoned warehouses when Johnny Law busts in and starts harshing my mind buzz, like going all Captain Bringdown on my visual cortex. And he’s like, ‘Put down that Red Bull, get up from that seat and put your hands behind your back, you laser-light-loving punk!’ And I’m just like, ‘OK.’

“Then he says, ‘Muscular and visually stimulated is no way to go through life, son, especially when my own son has an autograph – namely, yours – that he’d really like to put on eBay so he can pay for college instead of sitting around watching super-cool supernovas with his fellow electromagnetic-radiation freaks and believing that the world is a beautiful place full of wonder and magic and mysteries that no man can fully grasp. Or should that be ‘supernovae?’ Huh? Answer me that, you diffraction-of-projected-light junkie!’

“So I stand up and he cuffs me and says, ‘All right, you optically entertained brain hippie, you’re going downtown!’ And as he leads me away, everybody starts calling out to me, ‘Shine on, you crazy diamond!’ Which seemed appropriate, since I was a raver, a seer of visions, caught in the crossfire of childhood and stardom, and now, I guess, a target of faraway laughter.”

The latest to go down: veteran outfielder {name redacted}, arrested while eating Cap’n Crunch without milk at 3 a.m in the apartment he shares with friends. “I’m sitting in my beanbag chair eating cereal from the box and watching The Three Stooges and also playing some old-school Super Mario in addition to pondering the significance of the dung beetle as it relates to the whole existentialism-versus-nihilism debate when Elliot freakin’ Ness busts in and pulls the plug – both plugs, actually – just as Moe is about to hit Curly with a long wooden board and also just as I’m about to enter World 4 through a hidden warp zone,” Player Y told a reporter for Crunch Times magazine, who then decided to make a late-night run to Taco Bell.

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John Paschal is a regular contributor to The Hardball Times and The Hardball Times Baseball Annual.

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Obviously it was Casey Janssen