David Ortiz has an announcement to make regarding Boston — which announcement utilizes language typically reserved only for the bedroom and the boardroom.

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Mets right-hander Matt Harvey is facing Nationals right-hander Stephen Strasburg right now, an event which Americans are duty-bound to watch — unless, that is, they have other plans or merely don’t want to.

Here are Harvey’s first three swinging strikes of the night, from the first inning. Note that (a) all three whiffs are on fastballs and that (b) the league average swinging-strike rate for fastballs is merely 6%, according to Texas Leaguers.

Here’s the first swinging strike, to retire leadoff batter Denard Span:

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In the second installment of A GIF and a Tune, we watch Rajai Davis float along to the smoother-than-velvet-underpants stylings of Chet Baker.

Watch:

Listen:

Chet Baker Tenderly

(A very animated tip of the cap to Matt Gwin for the GIF.)

Unlike many others that have appeared in these pages, the following tweet actually is altered from the original — and in such a manner as might justifiably be denounced as puerile and sophomoric and even jejune.

And yet, as James Earl Jones once definitely wrote, “There comes a time when all the cosmic tumblers have clicked into place and the universe opens itself up a few seconds to show you what’s possible.” In this case, of course, “what’s possible” is a joke about Derek Jeter’s gentleman’s ass — nor is the present author inclined to contradict the universe on this matter.

To wit (click to embiggen):

John Gibbons’ return to managing the Toronto Blue Jays this past off-season was greeted with skepticism by some. After all, didn’t he sink the ship five years ago? Why, with the Blue Jays re-making their roster with a couple of huge trades, would they bring back a manager whose tenure had been, to put it kindly, a bit tumultuous? Sure, there were those who thought that Gibbons was pretty good when it came to in-game strategy (not much bunting). Still, could he really be comfortable enough to command the clubhouse?

During the broadcast of last night’s Blue Jays-White Sox game, I saw something that made it clear to me that whatever else is going on, John Gibbons is definitely comfortable.

[Thanks to mysterious Twitterer Paul S, who heeded my immediate request for a screen cap and provided the above.]

North America responded fulsomely.

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The NotGraphs Fireside Chats comprise a series of ruminations on the craft of writing, sometimes in relation to baseball, sometimes less so. The goal of this exercise: to learn something about baseball from the way we craft meaning about it, and perhaps about ourselves from our need to do so.

All Fireside Chats are rated TLDR.

Today’s guest is Jeremy Blachman, who you may be familiar with from his writing on a website called “NotGraphs”.

Patrick: So let’s begin. What are you going for in a baseball article? How do you know when you’ve achieved it?

Jeremy: I don’t know that I’m ever sure what I’m trying to achieve. What I’d like to think are my best posts are the ones that have a genuine idea behind them. My favorite post I’ve written for NotGraphs was a mailbag of rejected fantasy chat questions, because I felt like it was not only a legitimately worthy idea for a piece, but that I’d read so many real chats over the years and felt comfortable enough with the form that I knew I could execute.

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Max Scherzer is what is commonly referred to as a “human constellation.”

Tigers right-hander and noted avant-garde sportsman Max Scherzer has probably written — and certainly has never denied writing — a book called The Art of Pitching.

What follows is likely an excerpt — and isn’t necessarily not an excerpt — from that same book.

3. For the pitcher, success is the residue of beauty. The former proceeds from the latter, only.

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In which the author scours The Literature for the most current and stimulating academic work on America’s pastime.

Predictors of Fielding Performance in Professional Baseball Players
GT Mangine, JR Hoffman, J Vazquez, N Pichardo, MS Fragala, JR Stout – International Journal of Sports Physiology and Performance, 2013

“The ultimate zone rating extrapolation (UZR/150) rates fielding performance by runs saved or cost within a zone of responsibility, in comparison to the league average (150 games) for a position. Spring training anthropometric and performance measures have been previously related to hitting performance, however their relationships with fielding performance measures are unknown. PURPOSE: Examine the relationship between anthropometric and performance measurements on fielding performance in professional baseball players.”

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At times and perforce, the homilist’s greatest rhetorical device is knowing when to fall silent and allow the miracles to unfurl in that silence, like an abundant dong released from its underthings. Now is such a time . . .

Mitzvah Chaps is very proud to announce that Dayn Perry — husband, father, dog owner, sports writer, practicing Catholic, non-proselytizing vegetarian, Mississippi native, Chicago resident, zealous and abiding fan of the St. Louis Cardinals, and creator of at least one ugly-ass weblog — and I have collaborated to make a chapbook of Dayn’s writings entitled Drinking with Boileryard Clarke: Dayn Perry Celebrates Himself & Baseball. Dayn made all the writings, I did the arranging of said writings into pages, then printed, collated, and assembled the pages and a cover into a chapbook.

Covers by Daniel Rolf. All other filth by Dayn Perry.

Info:

• Sixteen choice Dayn Perry pieces with accompanying images, many of them reproduced in full, modern color.
• Charming introduction by the author himself.
• Letterpressed covers designed by Daniel Rolf of Sensitive House and printed at Bay View Printing Co.

This is now a real object that you can hold in your hands. Check out the Table of Contents, and a spread from the book.

It is a peculiar object, too, perhaps, given that all of the writings contained in Drinking with Boileryard Clarke (save for the author’s introduction) have previously appeared at this very internet, and are still, to this moment, available for viewing at this internet. So why make a chapbook, then, you might ask.

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My unique projection system, FEAR (Frightening Events All Realized)*, is proud to present in-season updates for some of baseball’s top stars.

*Better acronyms are welcomed in the comments.