The Straight (and Quick!) Poop on American Invention


If you’ve watched the MLB Network for more than 12 consecutive minutes, you’ve seen the commercial for the revolutionary Speed Hitter. Now, inspired by the ad-driven success of said Speed Hitter, another enterprising go-getter has tapped the entrepreneurial spirit that makes America what it is – i.e., not Antarctica, which ranks first in per capita frostbite but dead last in entrepreneurship – by inventing an inventive invention that will “wipe out” – ha! – the competition.

{Opening scene of commercial: Beset with exasperation, a young man is sitting on an American Standard flush toilet. His pants, not to mention his boxers, are around his ankles. On closer inspection, we see that he is reading a comprehensive treatise, complete with graphs and illustrations, on the scourge of constipation.}


“Frustrated on the pot? Not having as many shits or extra-quick shits as you’d like?”

{The next scene shows another frustrated young man. Despite his facial contortions and physical gymnastics, including a difficult maneuver in which he lifts one butt cheek and then the other in efforts to trigger the delivery system, he is failing to achieve the presumptive goal of defecating efficiently into a ceramic receptacle.}

{Triumphant music begins.}


“Introducing the revolutionary Speed Shitter, designed to dramatically improve your shitting.”

{The scene cuts to the same young men, formerly frustrated but now defecating so quickly and efficiently that they are wearing Dockers with drop-seat butt flaps.}

{Onscreen now is Speed Shitter inventor Duke E. Swiftly, identified as Tampa Bay Shitting Coach. Hale and hearty, with the bearing of a man whose bowels are top-shelf, he begins the demonstration by sitting on a commode, glancing at a pie chart and immediately standing again, his achievement confirmed by a resonant flush.}

{He addresses the viewer.}

“From the first dump on with the Speed Shitter, you’re gonna be able to tell – if you take a dump where your dump is slow when you try to cast the feces out, you’re gonna not only see it, you’re gonna feel it and you’re gonna hear it. You’re gonna hear yourself groaning, ‘C’mon, I gotta get to work!’ or ‘Hurry! She’s not gonna be in the mood forever!’ in addition to the sound of nothing hitting the water.”

{The scene cuts to a young man. He is on the toilet again, but not for long! He rises, flushes and strides away, with the bounce of one who is three pounds lighter.}

{The scene cuts back to Mr. Swiftly.}

“So when I finally take that good dump, I know the contact point is down there, in the water, and not still up here in my lower intestine.”

{The scene cuts again to the same young man. You’d think he’s had enough, but no! Again he takes a seat and delivers a competent, labor-saving dump.}

{The scene returns to Mr. Swiftly.}

“You can be at home and take 25 dumps every day before you go to work. You can take 25 dumps at work before you have that 10 a.m. meeting. When you’re out on deck at your company softball game, you can use it – though I wouldn’t recommend it due to hygiene concerns, and the arrest for public lewdness.

“It’s a perfect tool to use on an everyday basis to not only improve your release point and dump path but also to increase poop speed. Those are the things we’re looking for in major league shitters.”

{A graphic reveals that the Speed Shitter is available in youth and adult models, while an inset window shows Mr. Swiftly holding a long, narrow stick.}

“You can’t go another day, another game, another practice without having a Speed Shitter. So get the Speed Shitter and become the best shitter you can be.”

We hoped you liked reading The Straight (and Quick!) Poop on American Invention by John Paschal!

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John Paschal is a regular contributor to The Hardball Times and The Hardball Times Baseball Annual.

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Oh my god.