Hamilton v. Hamilton

Bleacher Report offers these two links side by side:

Which of course can only mean one thing….

[CUE THEME MUSIC] In a world… where stealing bases is unappreciated, and massively underperforming after signing a huge free agent contract is also unappreciated… two Hamiltons try to move up in the world and help their teams win a World Series. It’s… HAMILTON vs. HAMILTON, coming soon to Netflix. Josh, a former addict hoping he isn’t also a former good player. Billy, a speedy top prospect hoping to be more than just a pinch runner. And, hey, let’s throw in Alexander, a Founding Father who was killed in a duel. Together, they outrun criminals, fight drug abuse, and design federal banking systems.


Seriously, What’s the Mets’ Problem?

Do you want to know why people make fun of the Mets? Here’s why people make fun of the Mets:

In a nutshell:

1)  Mookie Wilson is not a pitcher.

2) Pitchers do not pitch like that, Mookie Wilson.

3) Keith Hernandez is not a catcher. He’s Keith Hernandez.

4) Neither of them bothers to explain to The Count that he only is allowed three strikes.

5) They also neglect to tell him that the point of swinging the bat is to hit the baseball, and that in service of this goal, he could count the number of times he hits it, which would satisfy both his obsessive need to count things and his team’s need to be better than the Mets

6) Fear of bats.

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Exclusive Video: Jesus of Nazareth on Mike Trout’s Divinity

The performance of Mike Trout over his first two seasons in the major leagues has prompted suspicion among all manner of fan that the young Angels outfielder has perhaps benefited from the ultimate PED: god-like omnipotence. In what follows, famous world philosopher and also possible deity Jesus of Nazareth comments on the allegations regarding Trout’s divinity.

Part One:

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Baseball Metaphor Watch: Norm Macdonald on Conan, 1997

One of the most important skills a person can cultivate towards the end of becoming (and, of course, also remaining) an internet baseball writer is his or her capacity for recycling media that’s almost 20 years old in a manner that seems nearly relevant to the contemporary reader.

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Proud Moments in Baseball: Cuban Edition

cuban_brawl

We are now soliciting nicknames for Demis Valdes’ bat.


Gentleman’s Slideshow: Notable Baseball Personages Who Also Attended Fine New England Boarding Schools

It’s generally the custom of the present author to confine the headlines of his posts to just a single line. Such is the importance of this particular post, however, that it’s necessitated a violation of that very sound practice, and whatever monstrosity of design it’s created.

A slightly less than cursory inspection of Wikipedia has produced the results for what follows — “what follows” being a slideshow both for gentlemen and also by gentlemen of notable baseball personages who’ve also attended fine New England boarding schools.

It commences here:

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Pictured: Imperator Dick Allen Signals a Home Run

Despite what I’d call a “thorough sacking” by barbarian forces, Dick Allen–pictured here as Imperator of Rome–gleefully signals a home run, presumably his own:

Dick Caesar

One only has so many ideas, is why Dick Allen is pictured here as Imperator Caesar. Related: I have had no new ideas since last week when I presented this post, which equates travel distance from Rome ca. 200 AD with the chance of each baseball team making the playoffs in 2014. It was received kindly; thank you, and will return this season so we can keep track of how far or close our beloved teams are or are not to that doomed paragon of the ancient world, Rome/The Playoffs(??). Until then, continue to be leisured and gentlemanly, even in the face of barbarian hordes, plague rats, backstabbing countrymen, et al.


My Son’s First Baseball Season

My son, Micah, was born on October 8th of last year. So, technically, he was around for most of the postseason, but he was, uh, a little preoccupied. (As was I!) He’s still kind of preoccupied with most of the same pursuits — he’s sleeping on my chest as I write this right now, after his third breakfast of the day, if you want to arbitrarily call breakfast anything that gets eaten after five in the morning. But now that he’s able to pay a little more attention — a little — and is very interested in looking at whatever it is I am looking at, I expect it will be hard to keep his eyes away from spring training baseball, as much as I’d like to be able to say he has never seen even a flicker of a television screen. (Does it count as screen time if it’s on mute and I keep turning his head to face in a different direction?)

So I ask you, fine readers, how does a new parent like me set the stage for lifelong baseball enjoyment? I don’t care who he roots for, or if he roots for anyone at all, but in a few years it would be nice to have a little pal to take to the ballpark every so often. (Even if he only wants to be there for the bobblehead doll giveaway.) And even better if he wants to grab a team in my fantasy league, because maybe I’ll be able to bribe him with toys to get him to trade me his best players.


Ironic Jersey Omnibus: Philadelphia Phillies

philliesjersies

The Omnibus returns, this time in the city of Brotherly Love. For those readers just joining us in our odyssey, I will copy and paste its mission statement: “to examine the culture of a baseball team, distill the essence of its fandom, and then to establish which jerseys, as worn by a fan, make the most self-aware and challenging statements to his or her comrades.”

In most cases, for most cities, fans are generally in search of an identity. With the exception of the perpetual and the present disappointments, the culture of a team’s fandom is based on the proximity of their most recent championship. The city of Philadelphia stands outside these maxims. Their reputation was etched in alkaline more than thirty years ago and, whether fair or not, has never been amended. Philadelphia has become a city of pitch, an aggressive manic depression.

The Phillies began wearing names on their jerseys somewhere in the mid-seventies, and it’s an interesting demarcation. In their first ninety-two years of existence, the team managed two scant pennants – a span in which the lovable “losers” of Wrigley won five times as many. It was near the end of this era, which also witnessed fifteen years of wretched Eagles football, that the People developed their infamous rage.

Since those names showed up, however, Philadelphia baseball has changed entirely: they’ve won twelve pennants and two World Series in the past forty years, and until 2013 hadn’t won less than 80 games since the Y2K scare. Yet the mood among Phillies fans belies their relative successes: it is dark, and growing darker. The ballast of an aging and expensive core and a disavowal of modern talent evaluation have a city opening up the backs of their Game Boys and Walkmen in preparation.

As a Seattleite, I am currently faced with a dilemma never before considered: how long does the bliss of a championship last? The philosophy of the Seahawks (as with most champions) is immediately trained on a repeat, on dynasty. Like the bloodless capitalists who make this country great, success is never enough. But taken to its natural limit, this philosophy can only end in loss, and disappointment.

Where is the balance between the prospective and the reflective? How can we keep ourselves moving forward but still appreciate our past? And, perhaps most pertinently for the theme of this article, where is the line between appreciation for 2007-2011 and the cynicism toward 2013-2017? Here are but a few jerseys that seek to address this topic: the name you wear will be your colors in the endless battle. As always, feel free to suggest your own in the comments.

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Curtis Granderson Drinks What You Are; Chiefly, Water

Spring Training is upon us, and Curtis Granderson, along with roughly 1100 other players in the various MLB camps, is in the best shape of his life.

That’s not because he lost 30 pounds (which would probably kill him), or because he added 20 pounds of muscles, or because some self-important yogi screamed “You shit on the inside!” at him, leading to an intense off-season yoga regiment that has given him the flexibility to kiss is own butt and reach pitches three feet outside of the strike zone.

Rather, it is because Curtis Granderson has been drinking lots of good old-fashioned water — “Michigan straight,” as we call in eastern Wisconsin.

About 0.00025% of Earth’s water is freshwater accessible for consumption. Will it be enough to quench Curtis Granderson’s major league thirst? It will be interesting — and perhaps terrifying — to find out. Perhaps when he has finished drinking all of said accessible freshwater, he will move on to tap the underground aquifers, or to suckle Greenland’s dwindling ice caps.

And perhaps when he is finished with doing those things he will drink you, too, considering that you yourself are 60-65% water, some of which is, presumably, contained in your delicious, rejuvenating stem cells. Perhaps you will be so lucky to remain conscious long enough to witness the spectacle of Curtis Granderson cracking your stem cells like eggs on his major league countertop, drizzling their watery yokes down his very healthy gullet.

I don’t know about you but I am pencilling Curtis Granderson in for 45 homeruns and league-leading urine production.