Curtis Granderson Drinks What You Are; Chiefly, Water

Spring Training is upon us, and Curtis Granderson, along with roughly 1100 other players in the various MLB camps, is in the best shape of his life.

That’s not because he lost 30 pounds (which would probably kill him), or because he added 20 pounds of muscles, or because some self-important yogi screamed “You shit on the inside!” at him, leading to an intense off-season yoga regiment that has given him the flexibility to kiss is own butt and reach pitches three feet outside of the strike zone.

Rather, it is because Curtis Granderson has been drinking lots of good old-fashioned water — “Michigan straight,” as we call in eastern Wisconsin.

I drink #water to refresh, stay better, get better, be better. @URH2O #DrinkUp. Ready for @mets #SpringTraining! pic.twitter.com/E3gXdNhMA5

— Curtis Granderson (@cgrand3) February 4, 2014

About 0.00025% of Earth’s water is freshwater accessible for consumption. Will it be enough to quench Curtis Granderson’s major league thirst? It will be interesting — and perhaps terrifying — to find out. Perhaps when he has finished drinking all of said accessible freshwater, he will move on to tap the underground aquifers, or to suckle Greenland’s dwindling ice caps.

And perhaps when he is finished with doing those things he will drink you, too, considering that you yourself are 60-65% water, some of which is, presumably, contained in your delicious, rejuvenating stem cells. Perhaps you will be so lucky to remain conscious long enough to witness the spectacle of Curtis Granderson cracking your stem cells like eggs on his major league countertop, drizzling their watery yokes down his very healthy gullet.

I don’t know about you but I am pencilling Curtis Granderson in for 45 homeruns and league-leading urine production.