The ever-intrepid NotGraphs Investigative Reporting Investigation Team has procured a revealing psychological evaluation of Derek Jeter shortly after he received a pair of absolutely hideous, ungodly cowboy boots from the Houston Astros on Wednesday. The boots in question, if you dare risk the integrity of your soul, are shown below:

The psychological evaluation in our possession was reportedly administered by the team psychologist when Jeter was found weeping in a pile of CC Sabathia’s dirty laundry after the game.

A source close to the situation claims to have overheard Jeter muttering that he felt like a “dirty, dirty man,” and witnessed the shortstop begging GM Brian Cashman to allow the soothing presence his mother in the clubhouse for the remainder of the season.

I apologize for this post. Feel free to leave your own images of Andrew Cashner’s fantasy ceiling, or fantasy ceiling fan, in the comments.

OAKLAND — When Derek Norris took his place behind home plate on Wednesday, he did so not merely as a member of the Oakland A’s, but also as a representative of a different group — namely, the United States’ small but real population of feral adult humans. While certain ballplayers have acknowledged their true identities following retirement, Norris is the first to have revealed his secret while still active.

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Owing mostly to his fondness for the MLB Network, but also to his chameleonic ability to shift his political passions to exciting new ideologies, serial presidential hopeful Bob Davis has announced his formal departure from the Ain’t No Party Like A West Coast Party Party to become, in his words, “your Change of Scenery candidate.”

Said Davis at his announcement, held in the alley behind a Detroit Taco Bell: “As Joe Saunders will soar from the ashes of a 5.26 ERA, and as Mark Trumbo will rise Phoenix-like – ha! pun intended! – from a season that wasn’t quite good enough to prevent my using it in the example that I am now articulating to you, I will change America – for the better! – by employing – nay, celebrating! – the very motif – fancy word! – of Change of Scenery, or my name isn’t David Hasselhoff.

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Should you desire to see it bigger, a whole 70% bigger in fact: click it.

NEW YORK — X-rays have confirmed what was previously suspected: Mets closer Bobby Parnell has a partially torn elbow in his elbow. Doctors are unsure how it got there, or whether it was torn before or after it entered Parnell’s body, but they confirm that the partially torn elbow likely belonged to a former minor league teammate.

Whether Parnell ingested this teammate’s elbow as part of a dare or initiation ritual, whether it was placed inside of him as some sort of prank, or whether he injected into his elbow a syringe-ful of magic beans that caused a new elbow to sprout inside of him is unclear.

It is also unclear how the partially torn elbow made its way to Parnell’s elbow if that was not its initial site of entry. If the elbow was ingested, it would have been a difficult journey from the mouth to the elbow, likely just narrowly sliding past his carotid artery. If the partially torn elbow entered from the other end of Parnell’s body, there are additional questions that definitely do not have answers.

The hope is that the partially torn elbow will heal with rest, although prospects for its ultimate removal are grim without surgery. Any elbow-dissolving drugs Parnell could receive would likely destroy his own elbow in addition to the partially torn elbow, leading to not only the end of his pitching career but possibly the end of his lower arm entirely.

Doctors are writing up the case in The Journal of Elbow Medicine, and, rest assured, NotGraphs will be the first to publish that paper once it is completed.

(Photo: Charles Stewart Parnell, founder and leader of the Irish Parliamentary Party.)

What we are doing is blatantly ripping off Dayn Perry, occasional contributor to NotGraphs; regular contributor to CBSSports.com, the home for all baseball; and constant contributor to the moral deterioration of The Republic; by assigning cool nicknames to players rather than perpetuate the tired lamewad practice of assigning cool players nicknames. Since Dayn has seen fit to abandon us in our hour of need, we will usurp his nickname creation and application authority and render it back unto the people, so that they can ruin it through the democratic process, like they ruin everything else.

Last time out, perpetual disappointment David Temple tried, and seemingly failed, to determine who should earn the nickname “White Sangria.” As no consensus was either sought nor reached, this remains the Hall of Honour, which Dayn (because he’s an asshole who puts on airs) believes is “so stately, so regal, so much itself a celebration of the Norman Conquest, that an extra British-English unstressed ‘u’ is required for proper spelling…” Read the rest of this entry »

By popular, if relatively subtle, demand, one of your favorite NotGraphs features is back — and rebooted! — for the 2014 season. For our opener this year, instead of giving you postgame quotes per se, we’ll be giving you pregame — and thus, pre-season — quotes from yesterday’s contests. Also, because we like to more broadly distribute our cultural tastelessness, we will no longer be simply translating into Chinese. Instead, we’ve devised a new and highly proprietary translation formula that also involves Indonesian, Nepali, Yoruba, and Hausa, and is expertly honed to yield the reveal the truest and purest kernels of meaning nestled within each sound bite. Without further ado:

Kansas City Kingdoms vs. Detroit Jaguars

“My first day, in a match on the opening day will be the first time, these ideas. To Detroit, disappeared before we play, the field will know that one of the most energy, the first day there, I’m sure it would be very appropriate, then, if you do not know that you see me.” – Brad Ausmus

“We are beaten, you are, this is a Jaguar, each time in the city, such as voice, or we go there. They, we, you. Challenge is the need to go to a victory party arrived, we say.” – Eric Mo Hawes

“You’re in a fun, but we all-star game Baseball instead of waiting began to break, so it must be the first day. I believe that the nature of the person has a good team behind again, and this year, you know everyone.” – Aaron Crow Pharmacy

NOTES: Outfielder Andy Dirks, shortstop Jose Iglesias and pitcher Bruce Long Dong is strenuous…Second baseman Ian Kinsler New – Best for batting – a movie from German Prince Phil Texas this offseason to go to work…They also signed right field and bat second baseman Omar Infante open and play from the sale rabbi Delin Aoki.

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Note: Tuesday night’s meeting of the Society has been postponed to 3:35pm ET on Wednesday, because capital-N Nature is flawed.

The Purpose of This Post
The purpose of this post is to announce a meeting — in this case, at 10:05pm ET tonight (Tuesday) — of the Corey Kluber Society.

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You have some nerve, Dan Marino. Some nerve, I say. This place is not for you. Do you see any goalposts here? Do you see any cheerleaders or hash marks or Dons Shula? That’s right, you don’t. Do you know why? Because they’re not there! Nothing is wrong with your vision!

But something must be wrong with your balls. Maybe they’re suffering from gigantism, because you need some pretty big huevos to show your face here. Your days are done, old man. Nobody gives a crap about you anymore. Especially not here. What, you think you’re the king of Miami or something, and you can just stroll in wherever you want and people will bow and kiss your ring? Your ring. Your Super Bowl ring. OH THAT’S RIGHT!

This is a baseball place, Dan Marino. For years, this team has had to share a venue with a dumb football team — YOUR DUMB FOOTBALL TEAM — and play second fiddle to bunch of meathead benchpressers. That is too a word. No, you shut up. The owner of this team worked long and hard to swindle taxpayers into paying for this stadium so that we could get away from the likes of you.

And take off that  jersey, you Fakey McFakerson. Are you trying to be ironic, or just trying to piss us off?

The Gods will not stand for this, Dan Marino. Hear my words, you lughead. You are not welcome here, and if you stay a moment longer, well, I cannot guarantee your safety. You do not mess with the ghosts that haunt this one-year-old building. You should not anger them. Remove yourself, Dan Marino, if you know what is good for you.