A New Party Platform: Actual, Visible, Actual Change

Owing mostly to his fondness for the MLB Network, but also to his chameleonic ability to shift his political passions to exciting new ideologies, serial presidential hopeful Bob Davis has announced his formal departure from the Ain’t No Party Like A West Coast Party Party to become, in his words, “your Change of Scenery candidate.”

Said Davis at his announcement, held in the alley behind a Detroit Taco Bell: “As Joe Saunders will soar from the ashes of a 5.26 ERA, and as Mark Trumbo will rise Phoenix-like – ha! pun intended! – from a season that wasn’t quite good enough to prevent my using it in the example that I am now articulating to you, I will change America – for the better! – by employing – nay, celebrating! – the very motif – fancy word! – of Change of Scenery, or my name isn’t David Hasselhoff.

“You heard me right: My name is now David Hasselhoff. I changed it eight seconds ago because, let’s be honest, ‘Bob Davis’ is really sort of forgettable. Why, just last week, I called myself ‘Ted Thomas!’ Embarrassing, right? Well, let me tell you, it was particularly embarrassing because I was making love to myself at the time.

“Anyway, now that I’m David Hasselhoff, you are surely envisioning beautiful bodies on a beautiful beach full of other beautiful bodies on that same beautiful beach. I know I am! And that – all those beautiful bodies in your mind’s sexy eye, each bouncing up and down in sexy slow motion oh yeahhhhhhhh – supports the legitimacy my Change of Scenery platform. Which is why I, David ‘The Hoff’ Hasselhoff, have accepted my nomination for the presidency of the United States.

{Hold for applause, the cue card instructed.}

{“Move over for the trash truck,” the Taco Bell manager said.}

“In a nod to my platform’s roots in baseball,” he went on, “my first order of business will be to switch the scenery at AT&T Park with the scenery at Kauffman Stadium – to spread the beauty around. Indeed, for far too long, there has been an unequal distribution of ‘aesthetic wealth,’ with the majority of scenic affluence remaining concentrated in the National League West while the central divisions of both the National and American leagues remain mired in a poverty of picturesque riches. I mean, have you ever sat in the top row at U.S. Cellular Field? Instead of gazing upon the Dan Ryan Expressway, wouldn’t you rather gaze upon the Rocky Mountains, the palms of Chavez Ravine, the skimpy bikinis of the West Coast?”

{Hold for vigorous nodding, the card instructed.}

{“Seriously, move over,” the manager said.}

“And that is why, when elected, I will institute my scenic-beauty stimulus plan by enacting, first, the Central Divisions Recovery and Reinvestment Act; second, the Spectator Protection and Affordable View Act; and third, the Scene Creation Act of 2017, by which I will personally construct an exact replica of Chavez Ravine along the perimeter of Comerica Park, plus a reasonable facsimile of Longs Peak just outside Busch Stadium. In the meantime, given that 2017 is a pretty far away, I will go to Progressive Field and hold a postcard of the Pacific Ocean in front of one lucky fan’s face.

“I know what you’re thinking: ‘This man is gorgeous! No wonder he makes love to himself!’ The other thing you’re thinking is, ‘Good sir, what non-baseball changes will you institute to make America great?’

“I’m glad you asked. And as your Change of Scenery candidate – nay, nominee – I vow that for half of all Americans I will make this nation resemble a futuristic utopia where everyone’s surname is hyphenated and everybody opts for paper, not plastic, and that for the other half I will make it resemble all six seasons of Leave It to Beaver.”

We hoped you liked reading A New Party Platform: Actual, Visible, Actual Change by John Paschal!

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John Paschal is a regular contributor to The Hardball Times and The Hardball Times Baseball Annual.

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David Hasselhoff
David Hasselhoff

Davis, you’re lucky that my lawyering lawsuit lawyer recently drowned in a tragic skimboard accident.