REPORT: Derek Jeter Severely Disturbed by Cowboy Boots

The ever-intrepid NotGraphs Investigative Reporting Investigation Team has procured a revealing psychological evaluation of Derek Jeter shortly after he received a pair of absolutely hideous, ungodly cowboy boots from the Houston Astros on Wednesday. The boots in question, if you dare risk the integrity of your soul, are shown below:

The psychological evaluation in our possession was reportedly administered by the team psychologist when Jeter was found weeping in a pile of CC Sabathia’s dirty laundry after the game.

A source close to the situation claims to have overheard Jeter muttering that he felt like a “dirty, dirty man,” and witnessed the shortstop begging GM Brian Cashman to allow the soothing presence his mother in the clubhouse for the remainder of the season.