Often, we wonder what might have happened if Napoleon or Hitler weren’t so dumb and had gone on to rule the world. Or, what if Custer didn’t die at Little Big Horn?

I’m excited that my homeboy Ryan Braun just won the NL MVP, but I had this Matt Kemp post pretty much ready to go (didn’t want to jinx Brauny, and am happy to take the credit for jinxing Kemp), so now I present this “acceptance speech” as an alternate reality. Speculative fiction, call it. Move over George Lucas.

Behold, your new king.

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As Rob Biertempfel of the Pittsburgh Tribune did earlier today, a number of sportswriters have — in the interest of full disclosure — released their ballots for the various end-of-season awards.

As part of their intrepid work, our Investigative Reporting Investigation Team has acquired fictional sportscaster Champ Kind’s ballot for the 2011 National League MVP award, the winner of which will be announced at 2 p.m. today (Tuesday).

“How did you come across the ballot of a fictional person?” perhaps the reader is asking, while perhaps adding: “What this seems like is merely a hollow attempt to attract page views by associating content with a film/character that kills in the age 18-34 demographic.” To which I reply: “Shut your face, reader that I made up who seems to have an unnatural understanding of my worst fears.”

Now, with that out of the way, here’s how Kind voted: 1. Steve Garvey / 2. Steve Garvey / 3. Steve Garvey / 4. Rod Stewart’s Unbridled Libido / 5. Erotic Fondue / 6. Steve Garvey / 7. Steve Garvey / 8. Musk, the scent / 9. Steve Garvey / 10. Ryan Braun

There will be thirty divisions, one team each. The winner of each division will be declared a divisional champion. Shirts and hats will be created. Commemorative baseballs. An MLB collectible plate. More shirts. More hats. Maybe a patch or two.

The winners of each of these 30 divisions will play rock, paper, scissors to decide on home field advantage for each of the 435 possible matchups (30*29/2, mathematicians please correct me if I am wrong here). This thirteen-hour rock, paper, scissors tournament will be televised on FOX. It will also stream live on MLB.com. However, it will be subject to blackout restrictions so that nobody who lives on Earth can actually watch it. They can watch it on the moon. Special commercials will be sold to moon companies. There will be an entire sponsorship package. Stay tuned for details.

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It goes without saying that one cannot put a price on laughter.

The price of NotGraphs’ first Baseball Reference sponsorship, however, is two dollars annually.

By now the reader is likely to have seen photos or video of this riot cop who last week attempted to disperse a group of #Occupy protesters at the University of California, Davis by nonchalantly pepper spraying them in their faces.

Since footage of the incident hit the web, there has been a mad dash to learn more about the “UC Davis Pepper Spray Cop.”

I am pleased to say that I have unearthed more details about this man’s past. Photographic evidence I have received by way of an anonymous tipster appears to show that as recently as five months ago, the UC Davis Pepper Spray Cop was an employee of the Vancouver Police Department. On the night of June 15, 2011, this officer was deployed to downtown Vancouver to assist in containing the riot that had broken out following the Canucks’ loss in the Stanley Cup Finals. Sure enough, he helped a rioter who had surrendered himself for arrest to a face full of pepper spray on this night as well.

Fortunately, baseball’s preeminent authoritarian personality, Joe West, was there to eject the Vancouver Police Department’s preeminent authoritarian personality on the spot:

The disgraced Vancouver Pepper Spray Cop then assumed the name “John Pike” and fled Canada for the United States using falsified documents. He settled in Davis, California and took a job on the UC Davis police force and the rest is history.

When reached for comment about this cop somehow being allowed to spray again, West said “It’s a sad day for me, and a sad day for our country. Maybe some good can come of this, though. Maybe the gosh darn government will finally listen to my recommendations on who should be allowed entry into our country.”

“Oh, and buy my country western album, Blue Cowboy!” he added.

… to former Blue Jays reliever Mark Eichhorn! (not to be confused with Einhorn, er Finkel – Einhorn is Finkel, Finkel is Einhorn, Einhorn is a man!), a natural NotGraphs favorite due to his swingin’ sidearm and even swingier mustache.

We gonna party like it’s my birthday.

His story is pretty cool – after damaging his arm during his first brief stint in the majors in ’82 he lost all his velocity and was forced to try out the uber-quirky submarine style.  It took him four years to master it, but when he got his next shot in ’86 he made the most of it, posting an outrageous 5.3 WAR campaign as a reliever – and he was only five innings away from qualifying for the ERA title with a 1.72 in 157 innings.  He bounced around to a few more teams before coming back to Toronto just in time to win two World Series Rings.

And with that: Happy 51st Birthday, Mark Eichhorn from all of NotGraphs!

(Other November 21st birthdays include Stan “The Man” Musial and Ken Griffey, Jr. aka “The Kid”, but who cares about them*)

*this is actually a funny coincidence because ‘”The Man” and “The Kid'” are the main characters of The Cincinnati Kid where Steve McQueen plays Eric “The Kid” Stoner and Edward G. Robinson plays Lancey “The Man” Howard.  Griffey is, essentially, the real-life Cincinnati Kid, and Stan Musial and Ann-Margret (who’s in The Cincinnati Kid!) both appeared in the same episode of CBS This Morning on October 21st, 1991.  Spooky, huh?

In doing “research” for a different post (seriously), I came across this article about Ryan Theriot in the St. Louis Post Dispatch, from September 19th.

The Cardinals led the division until July 27, four days before the Furcal acquisition. Speaking only about his own role, Theriot noted, “When I was playing shortstop we were in first place. I know that. It is what it is.”

Now that the Cardinals have won the World Series, that quote seems a little silly.

Ryan Theriot’s postseason performance, incidentally:

NLDS: 6 for 10
NLCS: 1 for 10
WS: 1 for 13

[And, yes, I broke it up like that because those NLDS stats would make the whole thing look better if I didn’t. Why can’t I manipulate statistics to make a point? This is NotGraphs, not FanGraphs! Good grief.]

Late Seattle prospect Greg Halman’s death is no more or less significant than all the other deaths today — certainly not to the families and loved ones of all the other respective deceased. However, owing to the startling circumstances under which Halman’s death occurred — and to the fact that Halman was a baseball player — it’s only natural that some readers of NotGraphs will feel the pang of mortality more strongly this morning than on others.

If that is the case, might I humbly submit that you add the following fragment by Greek philosopher Epicurus to your reflections. It’s from his Vatican Sayings, and part of a collected works that can be read in a short afternoon.

Vatican Sayings, No. 14 (tr. C. Bailey):

We are born once and cannot be born twice, but for all time must be no more. But you, who are not master of tomorrow, postpone your happiness: life is wasted in procrastination and each one of us dies without allowing himself leisure.

Let us delve once again into the rich mine of baseball’s greatest names and nick’d names. Though I am partial to the spectacular names of unspectacular careers, let us pause for a moment to consider the moderately impressive career of a one

Bill Knickerbocker.

Knickerbocker, as we all know, means “New Yorker.” Naturally, William Hart Knickerbocker was born and later died in California. Of course.

Ol’ Knickers played 10 seasons, got some MVP consideration, served in World War II, and finished his career with more caught stealings than steals — even once, in 1936, leading the league with 14 whoopsies and only 5 pilfers. He was basically David Eckstein 0.1.
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Here’s a non-exhaustive list of the rhetorical fallacies committed by Boston Globe columnist Dan Shaughnessy in his most recent piece, in which he argues that the Red Sox are a “doofus organization” — which list is accompanied by a photo of an almost amused E.B. White. [Reference: Aaron, LB Brief (4th ed).]

• Begging the question
• Non sequitur
• Red herring
• Appeal to emotion
• Bandwagon
• Ad populum
• Hasty generalizations
• Sweeping generalizations
• Reductive fallacy
• Post hoc fallacy
• Either/or fallacy