Is the world ready for Bud Krampus?

Thanks to everyone for your nominations for the MLB Krampus. There were a lot of them — too many to include in a single poll, in fact. So, I pared away some potential nominees that I didn’t see fitting into the Krampus way of life. Sorry to disappoint anyone.

There were some nominees that I expected (Selig, Cobb), some that were frightening surprises (Joe West), and some dark horses that I was hoping someone would nominate (Marge Schott).

I hope you’ll all vote, and vote carefully. Remember, the crowning of the Krampus is a serious matter: he determines how your children taste when they are eaten by other children.

I’ve included photos of all of the nominees, for your viewing pleasure horror.

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The Briefest of Krampus Primers

If you’re not a Christian from an Alpine country, you might not be familiar with the Krampus, a satyr-like (in some manifestations, “satyr-like” is a very euphemistic way of putting it) creature that, over time, became a counterpart to Jolly Olde Saint Nicholas or Santa Claus.

Hi, it’s me, the Krampus. Do you like my rumply boot-socks?

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Former Yankee first baseman and current Dodger manager Don Mattingly will appear as a cross-dressing Spanish prostitute in an upcoming Pedro Almodovar film, NotGraphs has learned — or, if not learned, per se, then at least jumped to the only possible conclusion given the above-embedded GIF.

I have it. You have it. Yu has it. We all have it. “It” is Yu Fever. As you have likely heard already, yesterday it was revealed that the Texas Rangers won the right to negotiate with the Japanese-Persian phenom, Yu Darvish. If the Rangers are indeed successful in securing Darvish’s services, our collective Yu Fever will rise from a toasty but manageable 100.5 degrees all the way to an immediate-ice-bath-or-die 106 degrees.

Perhaps more importantly, punny headline writers at newspapers, websites, and other journalistic outfits will be beside themselves with excitement. For, the pitcher’s first name, “Yu,” is homophonous with the second person personal pronoun, “you,” which just creates all kinds of wonderful opportunities for them to work their lame, punny headline writing craft.

Below, please find a checklist of Yu headlines you are likely to see should Yu sign with the Texas Rangers.

Keep this post bookmarked for the 2012 season (and beyond) and be on the lookout for any of the these headlines. If you spot one, drop us a line. This post will be updated as the headlines appear.

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As the Farmer’s Almanac tells us, it is not late spring, summer or early fall, which means there is no baseball here. Sure, there are posting fees, trades and signings to sustain us, but the ugly, mottled truth remains: there is no baseball here.

To remind us of this, to flagellate us for this, we present to you the following GIF, which is of Bud Selig speaking at length about something, mostly likely in oddly funereal terms. Please click to watch gloom drip out of Bud Selig’s mouth:

This has not been baseball because there is no baseball here.

It was with a measure of confidence that today, in the break room, you attested: “That Rudy Pemberton. He was just a ballplayer.”

About this — in addition to your callow belief in a better tomorrow — you were horribly wrong …

Sure, the image above shows Rudy Pemberton in professional action, but what of the disembodied spectral presence, the one whose soft, Olan Mills edges suggest a man of a poet’s dimension and discontent? He hovers about our assumptions like a reproving moon.

You owe Rudy Pemberton an apology.

(Image taken from a GeoCities page called Boston.com)

Over the weekend, Tim Brown of Yahoo Sports provided some details on Albert Pujols’ contract with the Angels, noting that the first baseman will receive $3 million for his 3,000th career hit and $7 million for his 763rd career home run.

With all due respect to Mr. Brown’s reportage, he appears to have omitted some of the more peculiar elements of the 10-year pact. Fortunately for all of society, our Investigative Reporting Investigation Team has performed the diligence due such a sizable deal.

Here are some of the unreported — but totally, definitely true — particulars of the Pujols contract:

• To confirm the verity of Pujols’s reported age, the Angels requested he provide not only a long-form birth certificate, but also a startling minute-by-minute account of the birth by Colombian novelist Gabriel Garcia Marquez, who was present in Santo Domingo at the time. Early reports suggest that Pujols’ mother was not, in fact, a human woman, but the very butterfly after whom the Effect of the same name was coined.

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Wherein we rank the American League Central franchises by how fresh their logo has been repped in rap history.

5. Kansas City Royals

The absolute only instance I could find of a rapper steppin’ out with a Royals cap is this picture of Kanye West, which we can probably assume was some sort of mistake, and that the guy in his entourage who lays out his clothes was fired the next day.

And also, this:

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“Sure, he had a great year, but let’s see how he does somewhere other than the California League.”

“2014. Maybe.”

“If he can develop a third pitch, then he has ace potential, but if not, he’s a bullpen arm at best.”

“First base.”

“I saw him play three times last season, and still have no idea. His tools are obvious, but it’s a question of whether he can ever put it all together with any sort of consistency.”

“No, he was never indicted for it.”

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Young Derek Jeter’s mother dressed him in a sensible collared Le Tigre for school pictures, but Young Derek Jeter removed it in the boys’ bathroom in favor of the Georgetown sweatshirt he keeps in his locker.

Young Derek Jeter believes that no one in the entire world of Michigan loves Georgetown basketball as much as he does.

Young Derek Jeter doesn’t look for his first chest hair, he watches for his first chest hair.

Young Derek Jeter once gave Melanie Cunningham a Rubik’s Cube with his name on it as a reward for making out with him behind the TG&Y. She smiled. “What a great idea that was,” Young Derek Jeter thought.

It was four months ago that he caught his reflection in the passenger-side window of his father’s Subaru Justy. “I have the most beautiful eyes,” Young Derek Jeter said to himself. “I shall use them to my advantage.”

Young Derek Jeter has referred to hairstyles as “hats for the young man who doesn’t need a hat.”

At the “Spring Fling,” he asked Vanessa Trumbull to dance the moment he heard the opening strains of “Purple Rain.” “No thanks,” she said. “Then you won’t get a Rubik’s Cube with my name on it,” Young Derek Jeter said.

On the baseball diamond, Young Derek Jeter actually has outstanding range to his left, but he chooses not to employ it, lest everything look a little too splendid out there.

Perfection bores Young Derek Jeter, which is why sometimes at church he falls down on purpose. “See?” he says to onlooking parishioners. “Even Young Derek Jeter falls down.”

Young Derek Jeter’s mother will probably be upset about the Georgetown sweatshirt thing, but consequences bore Young Derek Jeter as much as perfection does.

When Young Derek Jeter coils to swing at a pitch, everyone bearing witness, even opposing players, whispers, “I cannot wait to see what happens.”

Young Derek Jeter can wait to see what happens because Young Derek Jeter knows exactly what’s going to happen.

(HT: Snakkle and Todd’s championship Twitter feed)