The Briefest of Krampus Primers
If you’re not a Christian from an Alpine country, you might not be familiar with the Krampus, a satyr-like (in some manifestations, “satyr-like” is a very euphemistic way of putting it) creature that, over time, became a counterpart to Jolly Olde Saint Nicholas or Santa Claus.
As you can imagine, the Krampus, a gourmet chef by trade, runs around tearing out the hearts of misbehaving children, sautéing said hearts in their own blood and the choicest demon spices, and trying to trick good children into eating the hearts thereby gaining their souls for Hell, too. Only those children able to resist such succulence are rewarded with presents from the Claus-dog. (Yes, I just called him the Claus-dog. Deal.)
I made that up about the Krampus. But it’s not too far off, really: the Krampus is one eff’d up mofo who has been depicted carrying a tub on his back in which to drown misbehaved children.
So, in a move that’s not meant to diminish or cramp the style of Dayn Perry’s awesome “Nickname Seeks Player” series (and I couldn’t do that even if I tried), I’d like to accept nominations from NotGraphs readers:
Which MLB personality most embodies the spirit of the Krampus?
Guidelines for Nomination
- • Does not have to be a contemporary player, nor does he/she/it have to be a player, nor do he/she/it have to be alive today, nor does he/she/it have to be human.
- • He/she/it should, in some way, be clearly connected to MLB.
- • Please post nominations in the comments section, to be arranged in a poll in the near future.
Further Krampus Considerations
- • The Krampus probably has a temper.
- • The Krampus instills fear in children everywhere, and in many adults, as well.
- • The Krampus might eat your face, genitals, or other body parts, or the face, genitals or other body parts of your children/brethren.
- • Assume that the Krampus does not smell nice.
- • The Krampus, at the bare minimum, brings you whatever you most wish to avoid, at the time when you were hoping to receive the things you most wish to have. At maximum, he tortures your family in front of you and tempts you to partake.
- • Feel free to assume that the Krampus has an unusual diet or unusual dietary restrictions (e.g. maybe he’s Armenian-children-intolerant).
- • The Krampus seems proud of its horns, and polishes them accordingly — possibly with blood, possibly its own blood or other bodily fluids.
- • The Krampus has a complicated past, sure, but he’s also possibly misrepresented by the media, generally misunderstood, or has been slandered by biased history books written by bitter elves who wish they were half as badass as the Krampus with his cloven hooves and rusty chains.
Any or all of these ideas — or any of your own — can be used to justify a nomination.
The person who nominates the MLB personality that goes on to win the title of MLB Krumpus will receive a one-of-a-kind collector’s card of said personality as Krumpus, Photoshopped and printed with great care by yours truly.
Hire Robert J. Baumann to live-blog your next birthday party, family reunion, or corporate event. You will not want to forget it soon.