Throughout the annals of history, it has been man’s ambition to capture, in GIF form, video footage of one man sliding both (a) awkwardly and (b) face-first into another man’s butt-part. It was to facilitate such a moment, in fact, that Abner Doubleday, Patrick Henry, and the entire writing team from Benson invented the game of baseball on a humid and musky and pungent and redolent and musky summer day in 1839.

Doubleday and the writers of Benson have died, of course, but I have it on good authority that Henry is not only alive, but flourishing, as an adult film star known as the Patriot Missile — and likely reading this post, too, his heart (metaphorically) filling (metaphorically) with joy (metaphorically).

Indeed, for reader MikeS has not only witnessed just such an episode as Henry and Co. envisioned, but has utilized the Team NotGraphs Hot Hotline to the end of alerting this site’s editoriat to same.

Read the rest of this entry »

For over a decade now, the MLB All-Star break has been filled with more than just the All-Star game itself. In addition to accompanying FanFests, we have the Homerun Derby (started in 1985), the Futures Game (1999), and the Taco Bell All-Star Legends and Celebrity Softball Game (2001; now with new Doritos-based bases!).

The NotGraphs Investigative Reporting Investigation Team has discovered, via measures that may or may not jive with the various etiquettes of journalism, that Bud Selig, ever the trailblazer, is planning to expand the festively festive festivities starting in 2013 with the All-Star extravaganza at Citi Field, home of the New York Mets.

The Investigative Reporting Investigation Team has compiled the following list of events that Selig and his closest cronies have proposed to MLB owners and officials. It appears here, exclusively at NotGraphs, for the spoiled and glistening NotGraphs readership:
Read the rest of this entry »

In the first round of the Home Run Derby yesterday, Mark Trumbo hit a home run. As the ball passed along its quietly majestic arc, Chris Berman was heard to remark that the ball was “on its way to Wichita”. On the surface it may have seemed that Berman uttered this insight because Wichita is quite far away from Kansas City, and that the ball that had just been hit had also traveled very far. Digging deeper, however, we see the roots of a paradox worthy of Zeno.

Read the rest of this entry »

Dustin Pedroia, with the quote of the week:

“I’m a lizard. I heal while I play. I’m a freak healer. I heal great.”

Two ways for this post to proceed. My first inclination: he’s a freak healer? What kinds of freaks can he heal? But that feels like slightly less fun than finding Google Images of lizards that look like Dustin Pedroia. So… presenting the Dustin Pedroia “I’m a lizard” collection:

(h/t: Baseball Think Factory)

Many thanks to what-if.xkcd.com for putting the old radar gun debate to bed. According to legend, the faster the fastball, the better. NOT SO.

In answering the query “What would happen if you tried to hit a baseball pitched at 90% the speed of light?”, the fine people of what if? have ultimately established that it would result in no less than a hit-by-pitch every time:

Despite being the sixth most valuable position player in the National League (per WAR) this year, the third most outfielder, and, easily, the most valuable left-fielder, Ryan Braun is only starting the All-Star game tomorrow night because of Matt Kemp’s injury.

Also, even with Mr. Kemp being injured, Ryan Braun was not invited to participate in the Spanks & Taters Contest tonight, despite being the NL leader in Spanks/Taters with 24 (Carlos Beltran is second with 20).

Brauny was not included in any All-Star Game promo or other official MLB promo this year, and I guess it’s pretty obvious why. But the fact of the matter is, whatever “happened” in 2011 and before, Braun is almost certainly not using PEDs now (he’d have to be an idiot to do so), and even in the face of incessant taunting of opposing fans and a cold shoulder from MLB, Braun is putting up another MVP-caliber season.

Despite all this, Ryan Braun is still a star. In Milwaukee, amidst a disappointing season that will probably not see a 2011 division title defended, Braun is much more than a star — he’s a constellation.

Thus I present, Orion Braun:

“And his bright junk shall guide us…”-Homer

Given his well-known fondness for exotic pets, it came as no surprise to Tim Hudson’s teammates to find him possessing a fighting spirit on Friday. Reactions, as usual, were mixed in the Atlanta clubhouse. “That thing is freaky, man,” said Martin Prado, adding that he didn’t know where Hudson would have procured such a creature — “and I don’t want to know.” Hudson’s batterymate Brian McCann joked that “it’s better than the spirit possessing Huddy, I guess.” Meanwhile, skipper Fredi Gonzalez was heard referring to the beast as “the Rally Demon.”

Read the rest of this entry »

Courtesy of reader Al, it’s Cleveland’s Hipster Ketchup high-fiving a fan:

Yes, I will post your mascot photos if you send them.

The glasses are pretty cool there. By next week he’ll have mustard sideburns and a relish goatee.

BIRMINGHAM — The Toronto Blue Jays have got their man, and, once again, nobody saw it coming. Renowned orthopedic surgeon Dr. James Andrews — Mr. Tommy John Surgery himself — signed a multi-year contract with the club late Sunday night, and will report to the Blue Jays minor league complex in Dunedin, Florida on Tuesday. As per club policy, financial details of the deal weren’t disclosed, but sources indicate it’s a five-year agreement in the neighborhood of $14 million, with full no-trade protection through 2014.

“We’re very excited to add Dr. Andrews to our core moving forward,” said Blue Jays general manager Alex Anthopoulos. “More importantly, much like Jose Bautista, we believe in Dr. Andrews as a person more than anything else. We wouldn’t make this type of commitment to him if we didn’t believe in the type of person he is, and in what he brings to our organization. We’ve done our due diligence, and we felt it was the right time to take our relationship with Dr. Andrews to the next level.”

Dr. Andrews’ first order of business: A meeting with left-handed reliever Luis Perez, the latest Blue Jays pitcher to be lost to elbow issues. Perez, a stalwart of Toronto’s disappointing bullpen, has been placed on the 15-day disabled list with left elbow tightness.

Read the rest of this entry »

Just so you know, the words that my crossword puzzler spits out are randomly generated from a generous pool of MLB-related words (and then some). So the fact that this week’s them is quite Cubs related is matter of, shall we say, Chance.

Clues:
Read the rest of this entry »