Phillies General Manager Ruben Amaro Jr. doesn’t know the difference between at bats and plate appearances, and how to calculate batting average, according to a recent broadcast, in which he was unable to comprehend how Jimmy Rollins and Mike Schmidt have almost the same batting average when they have the same number of hits, but Schmidt has so many more PAs. The audio, from Crossing Broad, is below:

Here is a list of other questions Ruben Amaro has, the answers to which he should probably already know, given his job: Read the rest of this entry »

In baseball we often hear the term “three true outcomes.” What this means, for those of you who need to know what things mean, is that the outcomes known as the home run, the strikeout and the walk, being three and not two or four in number, are the only outcomes that are true and not false. (If you didn’t know this, you are lucky that it wasn’t an essay question.) For those of you who need to know what things mean on a deeper, more satisfying level, know this: The outcomes are “true” because they do not involve long, detailed stories of my sexual conquests, including the ones in Canada. They are “true,” too, because when it comes to pitcher-hitter showdowns, they represent the only events that don’t rely on the defense, be it a nickel package or a 3-4. As an aside, I should say that a 3-4 would be a good defense to run against Mike Trout. He is very fast, and very strong.

As another aside, I should say that when it comes to the pitcher-hitter showdowns as previously described, three false outcomes would be these:

1) The measles outbreak of 1687
2) The Pat Metheny album Orchestrion
3) Helium

But “false,” if you must know, is patently different than “untrue.”

Why? Because I say it is, and I am not kidding.

And so, in the spirit of the vast but subtle difference between untruth and falsehood, I give you a list of three untrue outcomes from my baseball past:
Read the rest of this entry »

While the advent of things like MiLB.tv have made it easier to view certain minor league baseball games, many times the fidelity of such footage falls somewhere between 1993 Magnavox TV/VHS combo and wax pencil on onion paper. The recent game between the Frisco RoughRiders and the Corpus Christi Hooks featured both HD footage and a performance by Rangers prospect Joey Gallo. While the resolution is improved, the cameraman’s anticipation-induced trembling gives the following footage a little bit of a Zapruder-film vibe. It can be described, nevertheless, as impressive.

Back, and to the left.

(Editor’s note: Felix Pie is a professional baseball player currently employed by the Hanwha Eagles of the Korea Baseball Organization. He is walking home from the stadium after a game.)

The phantoms surge past and across and through the streets.
The moon hides in shame behind a lachrymose black veil
An oily candle, burnt too short, lapping cheap tallow.
Headlights roar and shudder, blood-drunk wet lions
Thrashing like dying fireflies in the puddles of soju underfoot.
The summer wind licks like a consumptive’s warm sigh.

This is a place where the flying birds do not reach.
Bamboo and grasses grew wild where they tread,
Long since crushed into gray powder lining the roads
Their colors boiled, wrought into neon, pumped into the signs
Calling the chirping moths, their only direction toward.
This world bears no names, offers no constellations.

Hidden in shadow, scattered along the littered sidewalks
The old men cry out hoarse laughter from the pojangmachas
Huddled motionless under tent flaps, gripping small green bottles,
Scraping their scarred beards with the backs of their hands
The crust of crimson sauce outlining lopsided grins.
When the hour comes they will sink into the asphalt.

The way is difficult to find, among all the dead ends.
Life pours into the drains in the abyssal alleyways behind every corner.
The serpents and the courtiers and the chrysanthemums have long since vanished.
There are no dew-teared blossoms to mourn the pilgrimage of the exile.
Felix Pie squints at the symbols, hunting for some willowisp
To illuminate the path and lure him home.

Because I’ve been searching for a new theme/writing crutch, I present Highlights in Reverse.

Here’s George Springer doing a barrel roll, flipping the ball back the plate, and backpedaling to right field.

This has been Highlights in Reverse. Should I die before I see my mother again, please tell her I tried.

Okay, how did we miss this?

On May 24th, Coco Crisp tweeted to his followers, looking for a name for an app he’s developing where you catch baseballs in his hair:

I'm developing a new game where you catch baseballs in my hair. Any ideas for names? #namecocosgame pic.twitter.com/glv6tGWgY4

— Covelli Crisp (@Coco_Crisp) May 24, 2014

We’ve missed the deadline, and the name was chosen last week– and with a little Twitter research, you can find out what it was– but I thought I’d see if NotGraphs commenters can do better than what was chosen.

The floor is all yours.

On occasional occasions – and this is one such occasion – we here at NotGraphs like to see if you’ve paid attention. So … have you paid attention?

1. Before hiring Jay Z’s Roc Nation Sports, Cuban free agent Rusney Castillo also considered:
(a) Sergei Rachmaninoff’s Rach Nation Sports.
(b) Johann Sebastian Bach’s Bach Nation Sports.
(c) Doc Severinsen’s Doc Nation Sports.
(d) John Holmes’ Penis Country Athletics.

2. When Manny Machado threw his bat at Alberto Callaspo, he was trying to:
(a) Teach him an important lesson about the U.S. timber industry.
(b) Administer an invigorating deep-tissue massage.
(c) “Keep him on his toes.”
(d) Marry him, in the manner of a jumping-the-broom ceremony.
(e) Both (a) and (c), and possibly (b) and (d)

3. The Nationals are attributing their recent hot streak to banana and mayo sandwiches. To what sandwich do the D-backs attribute their miserable season?
(a) PB&J (the “J” is for “Jheri curl”)
(b) BLT (the “T” is for “thumbtack”)
(c) Banana and mayo
Read the rest of this entry »

Click it if you want, but it’s ain’t gettin’ any bigger, pal.

Hey, Max. Yahoo Sports reports that you took out an insurance policy to cover lost earnings in case you don’t end up with a contract offer as big as the $144 million you turned down from the Tigers.

Here at Podunk Insurance, we were very excited to hear about it.

Because it sounds like you’re the kind of pragmatic, risk-averse individual who values quality insurance, to cover all of your potential calamities.

You may be covered for lost earnings… but are you covered in the case of a giant meteor attack?

Major League Baseball is going to have a tough time continuing if the Earth’s atmosphere is blackened with soot. Worried about the Tampa Bay Rays? I’d be more worried about the sun’s Rays, and how they’re not going to be able to get through, to warm your body and fuel the growth of the food you need to compete. And what’s the (David) Price of a policy to cover such a catastrophe? Well, let’s not talk about cost just yet…

Because you may be able to bundle the meteor insurance with another product we’re very excited about. You’ve heard of robots, right? They already have robotic arms that can throw baseballs. We’re not that far away from a robot taking your job, or possibly eating your family.

So you’ll need coverage for that, too.

And what if you decide to freeze your sperm, and the clinic loses it? We have sperm insurance. It’s very important. You never know when you’ll need it.

And how about a fan in the stands throwing ice cream at you? Ice cream insurance. I’ll add it to the list.

I assume you already have car insurance, but did you see the Transformers movie? What if your car turns into something else? Do you have insurance for that? Speaking of movies, you need Godzilla insurance too.

How are you going to pay for all of this insurance? Someone did offer you $144 million, didn’t they? I think they did. So you should probably take that deal, since insurance can be very expensive.

Good luck the rest of the way. Especially if the meteor hits.

Friends, allow me to pull back the curtain and show you how the sausage is made by sharing with you some private correspondence not intended for your eyes. Prepare to be totally shocked and appalled:

“Buttfaces,

I’m taking the week off this week, for all of your information.

I’m in the very south part of the heel of Italy.

I don’t know most of what anyone’s saying.

Here’s a picture of me with a strange dog that my wife took: http://instagram.com/p/o9OBR9sjHZ/

Here’s a picture of me from the day before that, probably writing the next great epigram: http://instagram.com/p/o8JitwMjCu/.

Don’t [redacted word unsuitable for your eyes] up the whole site this week (ahem, David Temple).

Tell your mothers I love them. [Ed. note: Mom says you know the restraining order says you’re not allowed to contact her anymore.]”

While the language and sentiment of the message’s sender may be disturbing, surely some of you are concerned what will happen to me, given my egregious breach of trust. Do not trouble your heart. I am confident that I will get away with it because A) it’s Carson and B) as he points out, he’s not paying attention to anything this week. I am free and clear to do whatever I want.

Which is why I feel totally comfortable posting pictures of a dick and balls on Notgraphs: Read the rest of this entry »