An Insurance Salesman Pitches Some Great New Products to Max Scherzer

Hey, Max. Yahoo Sports reports that you took out an insurance policy to cover lost earnings in case you don’t end up with a contract offer as big as the $144 million you turned down from the Tigers.

Here at Podunk Insurance, we were very excited to hear about it.

Because it sounds like you’re the kind of pragmatic, risk-averse individual who values quality insurance, to cover all of your potential calamities.

You may be covered for lost earnings… but are you covered in the case of a giant meteor attack?

Major League Baseball is going to have a tough time continuing if the Earth’s atmosphere is blackened with soot. Worried about the Tampa Bay Rays? I’d be more worried about the sun’s Rays, and how they’re not going to be able to get through, to warm your body and fuel the growth of the food you need to compete. And what’s the (David) Price of a policy to cover such a catastrophe? Well, let’s not talk about cost just yet…

Because you may be able to bundle the meteor insurance with another product we’re very excited about. You’ve heard of robots, right? They already have robotic arms that can throw baseballs. We’re not that far away from a robot taking your job, or possibly eating your family.

So you’ll need coverage for that, too.

And what if you decide to freeze your sperm, and the clinic loses it? We have sperm insurance. It’s very important. You never know when you’ll need it.

And how about a fan in the stands throwing ice cream at you? Ice cream insurance. I’ll add it to the list.

I assume you already have car insurance, but did you see the Transformers movie? What if your car turns into something else? Do you have insurance for that? Speaking of movies, you need Godzilla insurance too.

How are you going to pay for all of this insurance? Someone did offer you $144 million, didn’t they? I think they did. So you should probably take that deal, since insurance can be very expensive.

Good luck the rest of the way. Especially if the meteor hits.