FIRST BASE: Joey Votto
Also Considered: Yonder Alonso, Ryan Howard

First base on the NL All-Star Ballot is weird this year, almost as weird as the growth on my foot. No one on the ballot has been as awful as many of the American Leaguers, with .095 averages or the entire year spent in the minors so far. No one’s even had fewer than Brandon Belt’s 129 at bats. (129 is also my income for June. In pennies.) So I could give this one to Ryan Howard for hitting .234 (but didn’t most people see this coming?) or Yonder Alonso for underperforming dreams and hopes, or Joey Votto for looking about as much like Joey Votto as I look like Grady Sizemore. We’ll go with Votto.

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As a loyal reader of NotGraphs – and again, thank you for that; turns out, the number of boats one can ski behind isn’t six but seven – you might think we NotGraphs writers spend each day bathed in boundless laughter, our scant few problems (i.e., which tux should I wear to the awards dinner?) erased by the giddiness that distinguishes our lives. Well, I am here to tell you that that is pretty much true … although I wouldn’t say the bathed in boundless laughter.

Of course, as with any rewarding profession in this our American experience, there is the occasional hazard. What follows is a list of those hazards. (Note: List of hazards does not include making lists of hazards.)
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It’s five years today since I was last visited a ballpark in the United States. So, self-indulgently, here are some paintings of all the major league parks I have visited.

Yankee Stadium, April 23, 2006

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The Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change stunned global observers this morning by releasing a bombshell special report, presenting evidence that the rapid warming trend since the twentieth century has been “almost entirely attributable” to Detroit Tigers outfielder Rajai Davis.

The centerpiece of the report was a graph, referred to as a “smoking gun” by independent commentators, that overlaid worldwide average temperatures during the past 1000 years with win probabilities from Monday night’s Tigers-Athletics contest. The striking correspondence between the two datasets was enough to drive an unprecedented consensus among the world’s leading climate scientists.

“We always like to stress that correlation does not equal causation,” said two-time MVP and amateur climatologist Miguel Cabrera. “But correlation this strong is something that we absolutely never see as scientists. It forces you to take notice.” Cabrera added that he and other close associates of Davis had suspected for some time that the leadoff man was “exerting an influence” on atmospheric conditions.

Though some amount of fluctuation in Davis’ performance is natural, the report states, a walk-off grand slam represents an event without precedent in the Earth’s history. Such an event would be more than sufficient to introduce a major imbalance in atmospheric “greenhouse gas” concentrations.

The United Nations is expected to meet soon to discuss potential caps on Davis’ late-game heroics.

FIRST BASE: Nick Swisher
Also Considered: Daric Barton, Prince Fielder

Tough battle here between the injured and the remarkably ineffective, but the All-Star slot should go to the player who has been the most bafflingly terrible for the most at-bats, just like when I won the Employee of the Month award at my office after everyone else was indicted due to some papers I accidentally spilled coffee on and had to retype from memory. Who knew that the SEC was so particular about corporate filings? Good grief. That job was great until the checks started bouncing and my boss sent me a dead fish wrapped in newspaper. I didn’t even realize they had fish in prison — our tax money, and they get fish? He was super-tasty after I grilled him, too. Was a good thing he arrived because otherwise it would have been another night of dry ramen for dinner (the water’s no good here, and I don’t know how to boil it).

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In almost every case, cell phone alerts are at best an annoyance and at worst punch-provoking. We civil folk have pretty much come to terms with the fact that a cell phone should stay on vibrate.

But there are rare instances in which an audible alert is necessary — text messages from Ronald Reagan’s ghost, emails concerning which minority you’ve recently offended, weather notifications keeping you abreast when a tornado is about to upend the home of a former employer, and Google alerts for “Cheryl Tiegs Hacksaw Jim Duggan Sex Tape” are some examples.

In situations such as these, I suggest an audible message notification. Sure, you could use a standard boo doop or ding ding like a common dirt-person. But why buy the cow when you can mix your metaphors for free?

In the spirit of FanGraphs: The Ringtone, it is my pleasure to introduce The Dayn Perry Message Notification. I can’t say for sure when you should use it, but if you really need my help finding the proper situation, you probably shouldn’t use it at all.

Download at will.

It has recently come to the attention of the present author that the coat of arms of Germany — in which country that author presently finds himself and which coat of arms appears, hauntingly, to the right of these words — is a menacing ur-eagle of such a type as one might only expect to find in the dark recesses of a nightmare.

That revelation, while significant, has little bearing on the Pastime which has compelled us all to congregate at this particular corner of the internet. With a view, then, towards wrestling some relevance from this personal epiphany, what I’ve resolved to do is to identify the coats of arms typically associated with the family names of the league’s top pitchers, according to WAR. What I’ve resolved to do after that is conduct my affairs like someone who is afraid both of himself and the world.

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Each week, we publish north of 100 posts on our various blogs. With this post, we hope to highlight 10 to 15 of them. You can read more on it here. The links below are color coded — green for FanGraphs, brown for RotoGraphs, purple for NotGraphs, dark red for The Hardball Times and blue for Community.

Monday

A-Rod’s Miraculous Comeback

It’s not just BABIP-driven. He really is hitting like a .600 hitter.

Catchers: Can’t Live Without Them, But They’re All Dead

Is it new helmets? Is it new balls? Is it a new Plague? We’ll never know, but Carlos Santana is counting his lucky stars that he got moved out from behind the plate!

Stick A Fork In Ben Zobrist

A look at the new cannibalistic fantasy leagues taking over Ottoneu.

Tuesday

David Price: Remind Us How He Became an Astro…?

After sixteen trades over the past twelve months, David Price takes a turn at the top of the Astros’ rotation.

Can You Find The New Stat Somewhere On Our Player Pages?

When you do, please explain it to us. We’re not sure how it works.

Okay, Mike Moustakas, I’m Finally Starting to Get Convinced You Are Not That Great at Hitting

.091/.121/.262 since last year’s All-Star Break. Well, okay, maybe let’s give him a few more weeks.

Which Starters Haven’t Had Tommy John Surgery?

None of them. None of them.

How Many Hairs Are in the Average Mustache, and is it Different for Hitters than Pitchers?

A six-month research study funded entirely by reader contributions, both financial and bodily.

Wednesday

The WAR in Iraq

Investigating our country’s achievements-above-replacement-militia in the latest Middle East conflict.

A Retrospective Analysis of High School Ballplayers, 1881-1885

Long, but worth the read.

Did the President’s Announcement that the World is Ending Affect the West Coast Games?

Shutout and 14K for Kershaw. So I think we’re doing fine. Although this does explain the whole catcher situation, we think.

Thursday

How Should ZIPS Treat What We Assume Will Be A Partial Season?

If the world’s going to end, we assume play will stop for the year. Will your favorite projection formula be able to accurately assess the impact?

Can you Justify Playing Fantasy Baseball Even as the World Ends?

In a follow-up to yesterday’s Presidential announcement heralding the end of life on Earth for 85% of all species including humans, can you justify taking the time to play fantasy baseball? Or is it in fact even more important at a time like this?

Batflips and Apocalypses

Pictures of players flipping their bats into the circles of flames that will apparently devour us all quite soon.

Friday

George Springer on Home Runs, Strikeouts, and the Future of the Astros

We already had this is the queue, so we didn’t think it made sense to pull it. (Editor’s note: yes, we realize the future of the Astros is now very much in doubt.)

The Rising Cost of Tickets During a Time of Anarchy, by Wendy Thurm

At this point, conditions have started to deteriorate and the government has abdicated responsibility. Should you still trust online ticket brokers?

Your Dream Co-Owners in the Afterlife

We asked our RotoGraphs writers to weigh in on who they’ll be asking to join their leagues as soon as we all arrive on the other side.

Stick A Fork In Ben Zobrist

For real this time. There is no food left.

A-Rod’s Miraculous Heroism

Thank you for stopping the meteor, Alex. Thank you for saving us. Thank you for saving us all.

    Son,
It’s not true that babies ruin
everything — but they do.
And so I render this distemper:
my expectation of remuneration.

I missed a chance at ballpark greatness,
a glorious battle for ball control wasted
as your mother’s face turned faceless
and her stomach strength proved faithless.

So the next time Longo hits a bombo,
and I’ve the fortune to be a bleacher creature,
know full well: I expect that you
will clamber for that ball with me too.

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Update: The new Oakland A’s shortstop, known to teammates as Kit, has just led off the game with a towering, 460-foot home run to left-center field.

Story first posted at 1:30 p.m. EST

OAKLAND – In a highly publicized move last week, the first-place A’s picked up left-handed starter Brad Mills from the Brewers for the sum of $1. The result: a 4-3 Oakland win. On the heels of that economic success, A’s GM Billy Beane journeyed to an Oakland-area Dollar General this week and purchased right-hander Gertrude Polankovich, a 72-year-old Alameda housewife who enjoys unfiltered cigarettes and short walks in the park.

The result: Not only did Polankovich start each of Oakland’s two games in its short series against the Mets, the grandmother of eight won each in shutout fashion, including Tuesday’s one-hitter and Wednesday’s three-hit effort.

Said Polankovich after Wednesday’s 2-0 win: “Having pitched nine high-leverage innings the previous day, I did find myself tiring in the seventh. Keep in mind that I suffer rheumatoid arthritis and sciatica, and also that I smoke unfiltered. But after giving up a pair of bloopers and an infield chopper, I bore down and made the pitches I needed to make. It felt really good to blow that 96 mph two-seamer past ol’ what’s-his-name with the bases loaded, even though I had to miss back-to-back episodes of Murder, She Wrote. Did Jessica catch the killers? I’m guessing she caught the killers.
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