FIRST BASE: Nick Swisher
Also Considered: Daric Barton, Prince Fielder
Tough battle here between the injured and the remarkably ineffective, but the All-Star slot should go to the player who has been the most bafflingly terrible for the most at-bats, just like when I won the Employee of the Month award at my office after everyone else was indicted due to some papers I accidentally spilled coffee on and had to retype from memory. Who knew that the SEC was so particular about corporate filings? Good grief. That job was great until the checks started bouncing and my boss sent me a dead fish wrapped in newspaper. I didn’t even realize they had fish in prison — our tax money, and they get fish? He was super-tasty after I grilled him, too. Was a good thing he arrived because otherwise it would have been another night of dry ramen for dinner (the water’s no good here, and I don’t know how to boil it).
SECOND BASE: Eric Sogard
Also Considered: Ryan Goins, Jurickson Profar, Ben Zobrist, Jason Kipnis
I guess I considered basically everyone on the ballot, but the real standout is Sogard, who deserves to make his first all-star team simply because it’s hard to imagine why he’s on the ballot. Reminds me of when I won the election for 5th Grade Treasurer. I got 53% of the vote. No one else was running. No one wanted to do the job, which involved collecting receipts when people brought in mini-doughnuts for their birthdays, and then, uh, throwing out the receipts? I don’t remember if that was exactly it. I think I also had to clean up trash in the hallways as part of the job. I don’t know why no one else wanted to do it. Anyway, Sogard seems like a smart guy (maybe that’s just the glasses), and I’m sure he would love being an All-Star. So there’s my pick.
SHORTSTOP: Pedro Florimon
Also Considered: Jed Lowrie, Brad Miller
Florimon was so terrible that my rule about wanting lots of at-bats has to get broken here. My Little League batting average was actually higher than Florimon’s .092, although not by much. Also higher than .092: my Blood Alcohol Level. Even though I’m writing this at 9:30 in the morning. Hey, this economy is tough, we have to find comfort wherever we can.
THIRD BASE: Mike Moustakas
Also Considered: Will Middlebrooks, Carlos Santana
Santana had this one wrapped up until recently, when he remembered that he was good. I remembered I was good once, but then I forgot and since then it’s all been downhill. Most of Santana’s year has reminded me of my mother after the accident. She couldn’t hit a baseball either. And she’d been quite excellent beforehand, all that practice standing next to me in Little League when I was afraid to be on the field by myself. In any case, Moustakas, who has reached out to me for some advice on being hopeless, gets the nod.
CATCHER: Geovany Soto
Also Considered: Matt Wieters, Brian McCann
The job was Soto’s. His backup, J.P. Arencibia, who became the starter, did so badly that he’s been sent to a prison camp by the Rangers. So it’s that much more heartbreaking to injure yourself and miss the bulk of the season. I got injured the night before I was supposed to play the lead in Wicked on Broadway. Don’t ask. They thought the green face was makeup but that’s just my skin tone.
DESIGNATED HITTER: Raul Ibanez
Also Considered: No One
Raul Ibanez is old enough to be the uncle who tried to touch me.
OUTFIELD: Abraham Almonte, Aaron Hicks, Grady Sizemore
Also Considered: Carlos Beltran, David Lough, Austin Jackson, Daniel Nava, Josh Reddick
Sizemore sneaking in there last-minute with his release. Reddick almost getting a spot due to his quick bounce-back onto the DL. Almonte gliding in there easily because I’ve never heard of him. And Austin Jackson almost the sentimental pick because he’s finally making me feel not so bad for trading him for basically nothing in my Scoresheet league a few years ago. Players who make me feel not so bad about myself are rare. Very rare indeed. Okay, okay, Jackson gets a slot and Hicks loses his. Sorry, Aaron. There’s always next year.