Archive for Uncategorized
Dan Uggla Is Haunted by His Forefathers
Dan and cousin Claes.
Who among us has not admired the blood coursing in Dan Uggla’s redoubtable forearms? And who among us has not conjectured, perhaps aloud to our significant other, that such blood can only be noble blood? Conjecture no more, friends. The late Mr. W. A. Reitwiesner has bravely scoured Dan’s roots and linked him to a veritable Valhalla of proud Scandinavians, whose very names drip with elegance and valor: Emerentia Stake! Polykarpus Crumbugel! Hebbla Standorph! Let us not forget that great fellow bearer of the family crest (and, it must be said, the family forearms), that unforgettable martyr of the Battle of Oland, Admiral Claes Uggla; and, too, let us pay proper homage to that incomparable sixth-great-grandfather, the illustrious Axel Roos, whose heroic band of dragoons* saved their king’s life no less than thrice at the Skirmish of Bender.
So just remember this, you griping Braves fans and grumbling fantasy owners, when next you find yourselves doubting your second baseman: remember all the hope, the trust, the crushing legacy, that rides on those chiseled shoulders.
* Who dubbed themselves, as historical documents attest, “Gunns und Rooses.”
FanGraphs Word Search (#2)
There are 25 words to find. I’m not telling you what they are. Find them.
U Y S S E R O L F W G H N E D
V N O S K C A J N R A O C S H
D N Z B L F I A U R E G K R C
R A N E T A N B P L S F E O K
A L S N L N S E Q Z P L S M C
P E K O A A R O D R I G U E Z
P Z S L R M Z R B W N D N L I
I R V T U E R N T Q O B E A M
L O S G V R D E O Q S T M R M
C G F K H O D N M G A D M O E
A I Z Z O D R A B M O L A C R
A N I D A N R E B Q I S T H M
P M A T T H E U S W B Z S E A
D E S M O N D T T E N R U B N
E R O O M S T O R E N E R X S
Speak Aussie Baseball
Watching Cash Cab last night, I learned that in Australia they call tater tots “potato gems.” Which caused me to visit this site, featuring an alphabetized list of Aussie slang terms. There, I learned that “budgie smugglers” means “men’s bathing costume” (“budgie” is slang for “bird”, so, you know), among other things.
Because all roads (in my life, anyway) lead to NotGraphs, the only logical use of this information that I could think of was to compile (read: totally fabricate) the following short list of Aussie baseball slang. Feel free to add your own in the comments.
Mike Aviles Loves Exclamation Points!!!!!!!!
Sick homestand boys!!! Let’s take this act on the road!! @davidortiz stay fair!!!
— Mike Aviles(@Themikeaviles) June 27, 2012
Took the kids to the aquarium earlier today and daddy and the girls had a blast!! #lovemydolls
— Mike Aviles(@Themikeaviles) July 18, 2012
Taking the Bart to the Coliseum is something I always look forward to, I dunno why but I love it!!!
— Mike Aviles(@Themikeaviles) July 2, 2012
Thunderstorms are relaxing, I think!! What does is make you feel like??
— Mike Aviles(@Themikeaviles) June 25, 2012
This weather is never any fun!!! #pleasegoaway
— Mike Aviles(@Themikeaviles) June 4, 2012
Just a look at some mountains from the plane, sorry I don’t know which ones!!! twitter.com/Themikeaviles/…
— Mike Aviles(@Themikeaviles) June 28, 2012
How hard is it to get a cab in Seattle!!! Haha
— Mike Aviles(@Themikeaviles) June 28, 2012
Mike Aviles seems like a very happy guy!! I like him!!!
A Fake Doctor Analyzes Injury News
Ryan Braun, Brewers (strained groin)
Wow, that sounds like it would hurt. I’m not entirely where the groin is, but anytime you strain anything, it has got to be painful. I think typical treatment for this condition is to see a doctor and let him take a look. He might need to use a periscope or something like that, because the groin might be inside the body. I’m not sure if it’s inside or outside, but it’s probably one of those two. It’s possible that if the strain is severe, Braun could find himself on the transplant list, but there is always a shortage of groin donors.
Casting ASG 2012: The Movie
I’m sure we all had the same thought when the starting lineups for this year’s All-Star Game were announced. Namely: Who, WHO will portray these gentlemen in the inevitable Hollywood dramatization? That dramatization became somewhat more evitable once the National League opened a can of whup-ass on Justin “For the Fans” Verlander, but the question still burns. Luckily, we now have MyHeritage.com’s powerful and sophisticated Celebrity Face Recognition service to replace the notoriously fallible decisions of human casting directors. Here, then, is the cast, and for the full revelation of startling and often haunting doppelgangerhood, please do embiggen by clicking.
Hopeless Joe’s FanGraphs Chat
Q: Thoughts on Gose getting called up to the bigs? And will he stay up when Bautista comes back?
A: Who knows, but I hope Gose is enjoying it, because this is probably going to be the highlight of his entire life, and, how old is he, 21? Odds are he fails, just like everyone else who tries to do anything, and even if he doesn’t fail, he’ll probably get injured. So my thoughts are that he should get a long-term deal in place by the end of week or else start reading some toilet repair books for his future career after he completely washes out.
Feigning Attempts at Lightening the Mood
Fair NotGraphs Readers;
Today is a pretty shitty day.
I’ve spent the morning searching for a way to heighten spirits as much as I could, all things being considered. Being at a loss for ideas, the best thing I could come up with is Carson Cistulli, our fearful leader, dressed as Katy Perry.
I wish you all a safe and fun weekend. Be excellent to each other.
