Dan Uggla Is Haunted by His Forefathers

Dan and cousin Claes.

Who among us has not admired the blood coursing in Dan Uggla’s redoubtable forearms? And who among us has not conjectured, perhaps aloud to our significant other, that such blood can only be noble blood? Conjecture no more, friends. The late Mr. W. A. Reitwiesner has bravely scoured Dan’s roots and linked him to a veritable Valhalla of proud Scandinavians, whose very names drip with elegance and valor: Emerentia Stake! Polykarpus Crumbugel! Hebbla Standorph! Let us not forget that great fellow bearer of the family crest (and, it must be said, the family forearms), that unforgettable martyr of the Battle of Oland, Admiral Claes Uggla; and, too, let us pay proper homage to that incomparable sixth-great-grandfather, the illustrious Axel Roos, whose heroic band of dragoons* saved their king’s life no less than thrice at the Skirmish of Bender.

So just remember this, you griping Braves fans and grumbling fantasy owners, when next you find yourselves doubting your second baseman: remember all the hope, the trust, the crushing legacy, that rides on those chiseled shoulders.

* Who dubbed themselves, as historical documents attest, “Gunns und Rooses.”