Archive for Uncategorized
Hopeless Joe’s World Series Chat
Q: Hi Joe, with the Giants having home field advantage in the World Series, how will the Tigers pitchers fare when having to bat in San Francisco?
A: Terribly. And that’s if they even get a chance to come to the plate. With all of the line drives bouncing off their heads, who knows if the Tigers pitchers will even survive the whole week.
Q: What do you think of the umpiring crew?
A: I think each member is bound to make an incorrect call that will haunt him for the rest of his life.
By Request: Hunter Pence in a Chanel No. 5 Ad
A participant in Dave Cameron’s World Series Game One chat requested that Hunter Pence be placed in what hitherto has been known as “Brad Pitt’s Awkward Chanel No. 5 Ad.” Henceforth, it shall be known as “Hunter Pence’s Awesome Chanel No. 5 Ad.” Lo:
With hat.
Sans hat; w/ face lift.
GIANT TIGER GIANTS!!
Never one to be parted from his fatig, my indefatigable colleague Mr. Cistulli has taken the trouble to catalogue the many instantiations of Tigers and Giants, while raising the question of how each would fare in a fair fight. I lustily applaud his work. And yet it must be observed that he has considered only one class of possible outcomes of Tiger-on-Giant action. What of the possibility — vanishing though it may be! — that, upon encountering one another in the sensuous confines of American Telephone & Telegraph Park, the aforementioned protagonists should be compelled to spontaneously procreate and unleash their monstrous spawn? Should our loins not be girded for that shocking eventuality?
They should. And here are some potential outcomes that we’d be wise to consider. They would all be horrible. Which would be the most horrible? You, gentle and heretofore bare-loined reader, be the judge.
Tiger Giant Sex Medicine For Penis Enlargement
ESPN Breaks The AWESOME Stories
Edited, 1:46 PM: I have been reminded by the commenters that, indeed, most of what I post– most of everything over here at NotGraphs– is of far less critical importance than even the tiniest details about uniforms. And, furthermore, uniforms are awesome, and the fact that someone gets paid to write about them is even more awesome. And I was probably just in a cranky mood last night when I wrote this post because I just found out Munenori Kawasaki was released. In short: Uniforms are awesome. Uni-watch, as I begin to delve into the archives, is super-awesome. Most of what’s written over here is of far less consequence. My challenge to the commenters still holds: give me an obscure topic, and I will do my best to write something awesome about it.
From “A Guide to Uni Watch-ing the World Series” at ESPN:
3. Le grand orange. The Giants and Tigers both have orange trim on their uniforms (albeit only on the road in Detroit’s case). This marks the first time we’ve had two orange-clad World Series teams since 1984, when the Tigers faced the Padres.
This piece is written by Paul Lukas, “sports’ only full-time uniform reporter.” Maybe I just don’t read ESPN often enough, or care enough about uniforms– and, really, a full-time gig writing about uniforms seems like a cool enough job from a writer’s perspective– but, really? There is a full-time uniform reporter? There is enough to say about uniforms without ending up writing about how this is the first World Series between two teams with orange trim since… oh, wait.
5. Loop-de-loop. Most MLB pants have wide belt tunnels. But the Tigers use conventional belt loops — lots and lots of belt loops. The loops have been a Tigers visual signature at least since the days of Al Kaline. Why? No reason — just one of those little quirks.
On the one hand, I can’t imagine anyone cares about this. On the other hand, I find myself reading it. It is actually sort of interesting. But, really?
Okay, a challenge! Can we come up with some even more ridiculous awesome sports beats than full-time uniform reporter? Real or invented, the more ridiculous awesome the better. Give me a few ideas in the comments and perhaps I will try my hand at writing some of these columns over the next few weeks. Like, say, a piece about Hat Sizes of Backup Catchers, or Double Letters in the names of Cubs in MLB History. (Damon Berryhill could appear in both columns… anyone else?)
Retroactive LCS Gippers
This is a post that I should have made over a week ago, but I didn’t really think of it until Marco Scutaro emerged as the Gipper of the San Francisco Giants.
Scooter-Gipper
And Scutaro is certainly worthy of the Gipper role, just as much as he’s worthy of the NLCS MVP. He’s 36, has logged nearly 5000 regular season plate appearances for six different teams, and has never made it to the World Series. He’s been a part of just one other post-season as part of the 2006 Oakland Athletics team that was swept in the ALCS by the Detroit Tigers. This postseason, he’s batting .500, and has come up with several big hits. We don’t need to chronicle the illegal slide by Matt Holliday that Scutaro bore the brunt of in Game 2 of this past NLCS.
The thing is, the Cardinals had an equally (if not more) worthy Gipper in Carlos Beltran. Beltran is 35 years old, has logged 8349 regular season plate appearances with five different teams, and has never appeared in a World Series. (Fun fact: he’s been in the NLCS twice, in 2004 with the Astros and in 2006 with the Mets, both of whom were defeated by the Cardinals.)
Best Marco Scutaro Tweets (From Fans of His Former Teams and/or Phil Collins)
Man, the Blue Jays could really use a guy like Marco Scutaro. *douses self in gasoline*
— Steve Dangle Glynn (@Steve_Dangle) October 23, 2012
Marco Scutaro… why don’t the Red Sox get guys like that? Doh!
— Andy Moore (@moorezilla) October 23, 2012
Raul Ibañez Is for Paul Thomas Anderson…
As the off-season approaches, we’re sure to resume casting for our nascent baseballing epic, MLB: The Movie. For now, a couple of images of New York Tankees have me pondering who should direct this myth.
If you like the composition of this recent image of Raul Ibañez, you might like Paul Thomas Anderson to direct.
Raul said that’s that, mattress man.
Consider these images from Anderson’s 2002 film Punch-Drunk Love:
