Thought exercise: Why I would contract everybody


Somewhat at random this morning, I remembered the time in 2000 and 2001 when Minnesota Twins owner Carl Pohlad tried to get Major League Baseball to contract his team. It was an exceptionally traumatic moment in my life, one that will likely only be topped by family deaths and the moment my wife finally wises up and divorces me. Of course, I would never contract my own favorite team, but I would gladly contract yours if it gave mine a better path to competitiveness. Here is roughly the order I would contract in:

1)      Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim – In part because they have been disloyal to first the state of California and then to the city of Anaheim, I want to punish them. But mostly it’s because I want to watch other teams scramble over Mike Trout and try to avoid getting stuck with Albert Pujols or Josh Hamilton.

2)      Miami Marlins – If a baseball team is contracted in the woods, and no one is paying attention, does it make a sound?

3)      Tampa Bay Rays – It’s unclear to me why Florida gets anything nice, let alone two baseball teams all to themselves that they largely ignore.

4)      Atlanta Braves – The Cobb County thing rubs me the wrong way, and an underratedly obnoxious fanbase.

5)      Washington Nationals – Should have been contracted back when they were in Montreal. This is just 10 years late.

6)      Cleveland Indians – What it will probably take to finally getting Chief Wahoo out of baseball.

7)      Oakland Athletics – What it will probably take to finally get the A’s out of Oakland and their sewage-flooded ballpark.

8)      Chicago White Sox – I just like it when bad things happen to the White Sox. The Twins could go 0-143 against everyone else, but if they went 10-9 vs. the White Sox I’d be happy.

9)      Toronto Blue Jays – U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

10)   Chicago Cubs – How would removing them from the league after 1945 have altered baseball history at all? Plus, now we can cut down the ivy and find all the outfielders who have subsisted in there over the last 100 years.

11)   Detroit Tigers – In retribution for destroying Tiger Stadium before I got to go there.

12)   New York Mets – Mets fans would presumably welcome the extra misery.

13)   Arizona Diamondbacks – Honestly, they should probably rank higher but I totally just forgot they were a baseball team until now.

14)   Texas Rangers – Natural byproduct of all the injuries. I mean, they can’t even field a team right now.

15)   Los Angeles Dodgers – You broke Brooklyn’s heart. And you destroyed a neighborhood. And your patron saint is Tommy Lasorda.

16)   New York Yankees – Getting rid of them is, literally, the only way the Twins will ever advance in the postseason.

17)   Seattle Mariners – Out of respect, should have retired with Jamie Moyer.

18)   Milwaukee Brewers – Getting rid of the baseball games just leaves more time for tailgaiting in the Miller Park parking lots.

19)   Colorado Rockies – Coors is not beer.

20)   Cincinnati Reds – I don’t really understand why anyone lives in Cincinnati. I’ve never been there and know nothing about it, but I feel comfortable passing judgment. I do like that the city was stealth-named after George Washington though.

21)   Philadelphia Phillies – Because those French fries last year were really bad, and because denying Phans an outlet for their rage might result in a city slowly turning on itself and losing its mind.

22)   St. Louis Cardinals – I didn’t want to take away the one thing The Best Fans In Baseball™ have to live for. This is the classiest contraction I’ve ever seen though.

23)   Kansas City Royals – You’re not even in Kansas. False advertising.

24)   San Francisco Giants – How could they let Barry Bonds roam around free like that? Also, I was always really angry that Marvin Benard’s last name was missing another R.

25)   Boston Red Sox – Since they suck this year, I forgot how annoying they can be.

26)   Pittsburgh Pirates – I kept you guys around as long as possible because I love that ballpark and because, after so many years in the wilderness, Yinzers deserve to enjoy decent baseball for as long as possible.

27)   Baltimore Orioles – Again, the ballpark kept them around. I needed to get more Boog’s before we got rid of this club.

28)   Houston Astros – I saved them this long out of respect for J.R. Richard, the baddest that there ever was.

29)   San Diego Padres – I still have to visit Petco, and baseball aside, everything about San Diego seems so damn pleasant.

30)   Minnesota Twins – The cheese stands alone, but they’d probably still find some way to blow it. I(will) blame Mauer.

This has been Mike makes everybody mad at him.

Mike Bates co-founded The Platoon Advantage, and has written for many other baseball websites, including NotGraphs (rest in peace) and The Score. Currently, he writes for Baseball Prospectus and co-hosts the podcast This Week In Baseball History. His favorite word is paradigm. Follow him on Twitter @MikeBatesSBN.

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9 years ago

I’m going to assume you aren’t married, Master Bates!

This list is dispicable! I’ll have you know that the name “the Los Angeles Angels” has existed long before los Doyers came to LA!

This post is a disgrace and your mother should be asshamed!

9 years ago
Reply to  Soup

Yes, because hispanic people never called the Dodgers “los Doyers” until it was trademarked. You are a disgrace, your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries!