Archive for Uncategorized

Carson recently directed Hopeless Joe to the Baseball Hall of Fame’s scouting reports site, where you can waste an afternoon reading the original scouting reports on all of your favorite scrubs and stars, mostly from the late 1960s through the late 1990s. Did you know that scouts recognized that Kevin McReynolds was past his peak in 1994? Now you do.

Inspired by this site, Hopeless Joe decided to dig back into his own archives for some scouting reports of his own. And, there, buried in a drawer, between the half-empty bottle of Listerine that he takes a swig from when he just needs to feel some kind of feeling, and the stack of rejection slips from agents who were not so enamored with his short story collection, “Hopeless Joe’s Hopeless Tales of Hopeless Children in Hopeless Situations,” he came across the report he filed this spring on B.J. Upton, just before the Braves kicked him out of Champion Stadium for sitting in the center field camera’s shot line and holding up signs telling television viewers that one-third of all baseball spectators will one day get some form of cancer, and they should really turn the game off and go see a doctor.

In any case, Hopeless Joe’s Scouting Report: B.J. Upton.

I’d be lying if I didn’t admit I tried to repeat this accident of web searching with something a little more ambitious. Alas, searching for Heath Bars just prior to searching for news about Heath Bell did not get me anything worth posting. Nor did searching for Samuel Beckett works of theater before searching for news about Josh Beckett.

…and if you have your own baseball-related Great Moments in Google Ads, take a screen capture and feel free to send them along for a future post.

Upon reviewing video of Wednesday night’s controversial ninth-inning hit by Oakland’s Adam Rosales, Major League Baseball has determined that umpire Angel Hernandez is a paranormal and likely malevolent being.

Though the incident occurred quickly enough to escape the notice of most real-time observers, the footage (stills above) clearly shows Hernandez summoning some sort of supernatural power from the sky, turning it upon outraged A’s manager Bob Melvin, and encasing him briefly in ice.

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From Yahoo: “Sources Say Sunscreen Trick Is Pitchers’ Latest Method to Gain an Edge”

What, you ask, is this sunscreen trick? Before you read the article, see if you can pick the right answer from the choices below. (Or add your own invented explanations in the comments.)

A) Sunscreen, applied to the ball, gives the ball immunity against being hit too close to the sun, lowering the average height of fly balls, and making home runs far less likely.

B) Sunscreen, applied to the pitcher’s hand and the baseball, creates a translucency that makes it hard for batters to see where the ball is coming from, the seams, and the spin.

C) Sunscreen, applied to the pitcher’s face, makes him reflect the sun in such a way that batters are distracted and have trouble looking in his direction.

D) Sunscreen, applied to the pitcher’s arm, can be combined with powdered rosin to offer an improved grip on the ball and a superior finish to the pitch.

And, no, I’m not very good at Balderdash.

This is the analogies section of this week’s NotGraphs SAT. Please choose the correct response from the choices below.

1. 1 Hit : Bloody Nose :: O Hits : _______
(a) Bloody Sock
(b) Bloody Fingers
(c) Bloody Brothers
(d) Bloody Screwball

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In the epic battle that is cake vs. pie, I’m relatively certain we’ve all already chosen our sides, dug in our heels, and prepared to kill our own brother if necessary. Personally, I’m a cake guy because, like the estimable Paul F. Tompkins, frosting makes all the difference to me.  And I never much liked my brother anyway.

This debate has largely been left to arena of actual desserts, however, and we have not delved into the quandary that is Cake vs. Pie, Baseball Edition!  Choose your sides carefully: Read the rest of this entry »

Here at Notgraphs, where we take an avowed scholarly interest in futility, the name of John Gochnaur holds a certain incomparable cachet. Mr. Gochnaur’s short, miserable career, and most especially his epic 1903 season, stand as an eternal monument to baseball failure. That year, starting at shortstop for all but six of Cleveland’s 140 games, this man compiled a picturesque line of .185/.265/.240, with zero home runs of course, breaking his own modern record for lowest single-season batting average — and setting a new one that would stand for nearly ninety years. And he did it while racking up an astonishing 98 errors, leading the league by more than twenty, and establishing himself as the last major leaguer in history to crack 90. Thanks to these achievements, Mr. Gochnaur has earned himself an all but proverbial status as one of the worst ballplayers, or the worst ballplayer, ever to deface a diamond. A twenty-first century Republican congressman even paid him tribute on the House floor, likening his futility to that of the Endangered Species Act. John Gochnaur, there are some crimes against America that we are eventually prepared to forgive. Yours is not one of them.

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Deadspin recently reprinted a fascinating look into the depths of Steve Carlton’s mind. Turns out, a cabal of 300 people is running the world. Or the Jews. Or the Chinese. Or the bankers.

It can get a little confusing to keep it straight. And so, with a recount of the tale that cost Steve Carlton his life savings freshly in mind, here are a few suggestions for his tchochtka-selling business.

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Gil Hodges’ large hands probably helped him to become a pretty good baseball player. The first-baseman hit 370 HR and had a career WAR of 41.8.

Those same hands might have made him good at murder, too.

Sure, Gil Hodges would be happy to crush your skull for you!

It’s easy to find several photographs of Hodges that highlight the size of his hands. Apparently, their size distracted both photographers and the public from the fact that Hodges always very literally had blood on his hands.

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FEATURED GAME

New York Highlanders @ Philadelphia Athletics
Matchup: Bob “the Gob” Shawkey vs. Raymond “Rube” Bressler

Shawkey, man of “mystifying hooks and fast ball,” makes his return to Philadelphia after moving to the Bronx last season. Handsome young southpaw Bressler, “among the most accomplished work-shirkers that ever adorned a manager’s bench,” tends to be “a marvel one day and a poor excuse for a pitcher the next.” Nonetheless, he is handsome. “[T]hey do say that the pink teas and the soirees and the bridge fights and the receptions likewise reek and drip with the shape of Heinie Groh’s legs, and guesses as to whether or no the handsome Rube Bressler is engaged…and so forth and so forth ad lib.”

OTHER GAMES

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