Suggested Products for Steve Carlton’s Business

Deadspin recently reprinted a fascinating look into the depths of Steve Carlton’s mind. Turns out, a cabal of 300 people is running the world. Or the Jews. Or the Chinese. Or the bankers.

It can get a little confusing to keep it straight. And so, with a recount of the tale that cost Steve Carlton his life savings freshly in mind, here are a few suggestions for his tchochtka-selling business.

Branded Steve Carlton Spinning Conspiracy Wheel ($29.95)
— Whom should we blame this latest catastrophe upon?
Phillies Brown UVC Piping ($5.95 per yard)
— Protect your guns in dung!
“It IS as bad as you think and they ARE out to get you” T-Shirt ($24.95)
— Check the classy “32” logo on the shoulders!
Nuclear Safety Outfit ($39.95)
— Available in camo!
The Second Shooter’s Shooter (best offer)
— From the grassy knoll to your hands, with certificate!
Tap Water De-Flourinator ($49.95)
— Who needs flouride? Also: turns tap water a healthy shade of Phillies’ brown!
Tupac’s Home Phone Number ($1996.00)
— Chat with the GOAT!
The Moon Landing Set ($1969.00)
— See how it all *really* happened!
Steve Carlton “Number 32” Gamma Ray Protection Helmet
— Also works against line drives!