Suggested Products for Steve Carlton’s Business

Deadspin recently reprinted a fascinating look into the depths of Steve Carlton’s mind. Turns out, a cabal of 300 people is running the world. Or the Jews. Or the Chinese. Or the bankers.

It can get a little confusing to keep it straight. And so, with a recount of the tale that cost Steve Carlton his life savings freshly in mind, here are a few suggestions for his tchochtka-selling business.

Branded Steve Carlton Spinning Conspiracy Wheel ($29.95)
Whom should we blame this latest catastrophe upon?
Phillies Brown UVC Piping ($5.95 per yard)
Protect your guns in dung!
It IS as bad as you think and they ARE out to get you” T-Shirt ($24.95)
Check the classy “32” logo on the shoulders!
Nuclear Safety Outfit ($39.95)
Available in camo!
The Second Shooter’s Shooter (best offer)
From the grassy knoll to your hands, with certificate!
Tap Water De-Flourinator ($49.95)
Who needs flouride? Also: turns tap water a healthy shade of Phillies’ brown!
Tupac’s Home Phone Number ($1996.00)
Chat with the GOAT!
The Moon Landing Set ($1969.00)
See how it all *really* happened!
Steve Carlton “Number 32” Gamma Ray Protection Helmet
Also works against line drives!

We hoped you liked reading Suggested Products for Steve Carlton’s Business by Eno Sarris!

Please support FanGraphs by becoming a member. We publish thousands of articles a year, host multiple podcasts, and have an ever growing database of baseball stats.

FanGraphs does not have a paywall. With your membership, we can continue to offer the content you've come to rely on and add to our unique baseball coverage.

Support FanGraphs

With a phone full of pictures of pitchers' fingers, strange beers, and his two toddler sons, Eno Sarris can be found at the ballpark or a brewery most days. Read him here, writing about the A's or Giants at The Athletic, or about beer at October. Follow him on Twitter @enosarris if you can handle the sandwiches and inanity.

newest oldest most voted

Hey, flouridation is sapping and impurifying our precious bodily fluids.