Suggested Products for Steve Carlton’s Business

Deadspin recently reprinted a fascinating look into the depths of Steve Carlton’s mind. Turns out, a cabal of 300 people is running the world. Or the Jews. Or the Chinese. Or the bankers.

It can get a little confusing to keep it straight. And so, with a recount of the tale that cost Steve Carlton his life savings freshly in mind, here are a few suggestions for his tchochtka-selling business.

Branded Steve Carlton Spinning Conspiracy Wheel ($29.95)
Whom should we blame this latest catastrophe upon?
Phillies Brown UVC Piping ($5.95 per yard)
Protect your guns in dung!
It IS as bad as you think and they ARE out to get you” T-Shirt ($24.95)
Check the classy “32” logo on the shoulders!
Nuclear Safety Outfit ($39.95)
Available in camo!
The Second Shooter’s Shooter (best offer)
From the grassy knoll to your hands, with certificate!
Tap Water De-Flourinator ($49.95)
Who needs flouride? Also: turns tap water a healthy shade of Phillies’ brown!
Tupac’s Home Phone Number ($1996.00)
Chat with the GOAT!
The Moon Landing Set ($1969.00)
See how it all *really* happened!
Steve Carlton “Number 32” Gamma Ray Protection Helmet
Also works against line drives!

With a phone full of pictures of pitchers' fingers, strange beers, and his two toddler sons, Eno Sarris can be found at the ballpark or a brewery most days. Read him here, writing about the A's or Giants at The Athletic, or about beer at October. Follow him on Twitter @enosarris if you can handle the sandwiches and inanity.

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11 years ago

Hey, flouridation is sapping and impurifying our precious bodily fluids.