Video Replay Reveals: Angel Hernandez an Actual Angel, of Death


Upon reviewing video of Wednesday night’s controversial ninth-inning hit by Oakland’s Adam Rosales, Major League Baseball has determined that umpire Angel Hernandez is a paranormal and likely malevolent being.

Though the incident occurred quickly enough to escape the notice of most real-time observers, the footage (stills above) clearly shows Hernandez summoning some sort of supernatural power from the sky, turning it upon outraged A’s manager Bob Melvin, and encasing him briefly in ice.

Hernandez, consistently one of the lowest-ranked umpires in surveys of MLB players, has a long history of disruptive and subversive behavior. An article from the Buffalo News in 1991, when he was still umpiring in the minor leagues, notes: “Hernandez is reputed around the league to be an umpire who yearns for the spotlight. He attracted notice in Saturday’s series opener by calling a phantom balk on 13-year big-league veteran Rick Sutcliffe. Hernandez attracted more attention Sunday with a call at home plate that replays proved blatantly incorrect.”

The ump’s thinly-veiled demonic fury was again evident a decade later, when he ejected former Chicago Bear and “Take Me Out to the Ball Game” singer Steve McMichael:

Those interviewed after Wednesday’s debacle expressed little surprise at the replay revelations. “I’m only surprised that it’s just now coming to light,” said a still-steaming Melvin. “Hernandez has been in league with dark powers for as long as I’ve been in the game. Fact is, and no one likes to talk about it, but half the umps in baseball are doing it. Damn shame that the league can’t get its [act] together and do something.”

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Steve McMichael is sort of famous for giving exactly zero fucks. No more, no less. Just zero.