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This has been Baseball Players Twerking.

1. “Sam” as in Jeff’s brother’s first name. “Ard” as in the last three letters of “yard,” since he set an all-time record for reception yards playing football at Notre Dame. “Zija” as in the name of some weird “miracle tea” that the Internet says is a marketing scam and that one Amazon reviewer says gave her diarrhea.

2. “Samar” as in a province in the Philippines whose capital is Catbalogan City. “DZI” as in the three-letter code for Codazzi Airport in Colombia, so small there does not even appear to be a Cinnabon. “Ja” as in the unit of measurement of length in Korea equal to approximately 30.3 cm.

3. “SA” as in Sexaholics Anonymous. “Mardz” as in a woman in Macedonia renting out her apartment on Airbnb. (Just $46/night!) “IJA” as in the International Jugglers Association.

4. “Sama” as in the Society of American Mosaic Artists. “RD” as in Rainbow Dash, a character in the TV Show “My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.” “Zij” as in the Islamic astronomical books. “A” as in America, where Samardzija was born.

5. “S” as in “starting pitcher.” “Amardzija” as in the last 9 letters of Jeff Samardzija’s name.

Now you will never forget how to spell Samardzija. Or maybe you will. Sorry.

Water finds its level, or so they say. And as human beings are roughly 70 percent water, simple logic dictates that 70 percent of humans will, eventually wind up exactly where they belong. The other 30 percent comprise the House Republicans in Congress, who built a shitty dam out of gerrymandering, prejudice, and bitterness and have managed to stay well above their level, and Nikola Tesla, who stayed well below (curse you, Edison!). But, for now, let’s concern ourselves with those of us who manage to wind up right where we belong. Like Jose Valverde, pitching at AAA in a hot dog jersey.

A match made in Heaven, preordained by God Itself.

Read the rest of this entry »

Not content with merely reigning as Chief Marlin, the vigorous and onomastically elusive Giancarlo Stanton has declared himself lord of the entire watery realm. Behold!

In his honor, then, a Hymn*:

HEAR, Postanton, ruler of the sea profound,
Whose liquid grasp begirts the solid ground;
Who, at the bottom of the stormy main,
Dark and deep-bosom’d, hold’st thy wat’ry reign;
Thy awful hand the brazen trident bears,
And ocean’s utmost bound, thy will reveres:
Thee I invoke, whose steeds the foam divide,
From whose dark locks the briny waters glide;
Whose voice loud founding thro’ the roaring deep,
Drives all its billows, in a raging heap;
When fiercely riding thro’ the boiling sea,
Thy hoarse command the trembling waves obey.

Behold the dark locks from whence the briny waters glide!

* With apologies to Orpheus.

In a recent depressive manifesto here at NotGraphs, you lamented that you had made too many “Photoshop-heavy” posts, Baumann.

However: unlike — for better or for worse — your handsome author-boss, you, feeling aligned with the huddled, addict readership more than the bourgeois editorship, are inclined to give the people what they want.

In a comment on that same post, NotGraphs reader “leeroy” asked, “can we get another post about chris sail?” [sic].

Baumann, it is okay that today you have decided to say, “Yes, brother leeroy, we can get another post about ‘chris sail’ — and here it is!”

I feel bad for Michael Cuddyer.

Rickey Henderson has epitomized many concepts in his lifetime — the concept of The Greatest Ever comes to mind, for instance. Stolen Base Artist might be another. Also: Effing Awesome; True Leadoff Hitter; Subtle Marxist; and especially, Enigma.

The following video clip allows us to add yet another such epitome to Rickey’s list: Fake It ‘Til You Make It!

Read the rest of this entry »

I’m late with this news, but (hat tip: Sportsgrid.com and Baseball Think Factory) last Wednesday, the Huntsville Stars hosted 2nd Amendment Night, with free admission for NRA cardholders and a raffle to win a gun. There are lots of posts someone could write in response to this, but I’m going to write this one.

UPCOMING AMENDMENT NIGHTS AT THE BALLPARK.

1st Amendment Night. Featuring a mid-game rally for better players, and a prize given to the fan who yells the most obscene insult at an opposing player.

3rd Amendment Night. Where the Color Guard will not be allowed to leave.

4th Amendment Night. Hope you didn’t bring any drugs into the stadium, because we’re going to find them.

5th Amendment Night. One team is going to lose the same game twice!

6th Amendment Night. [Rescheduled for next season.]

7th Amendment Night. No umpires.

8th Amendment Night. Ticket prices are doubled, and– guess what– we’re going to force you to watch the Astros!

13th Amendment Night. One fan will win a chance to clean the entire stadium, with no compensation.

18th Amendment Night. Enjoy your free Chocolate Milk.

19th Amendment Night. I think I already wrote about this one.

21st Amendment Night. The beer is back.

This concludes the only NotGraphs post that requires a working knowledge of the Constitution (or this link to Wikipedia) to even have a chance to make sense.

Women’s suffrage with regard to the All-Star Game was achieved gradually, team by team, during the late 20th and early 21st century, culminating in 2004 with the passage of the Susan B. “Eric” Anthony Amendment to the Major League Baseball Bylaws, which provided: “The right of live game attendees and Internet users to stuff ballot boxes with their biased selections for the All-Star Game shall not be denied or abridged on account of sex, even if the woman is just voting for the players with the nicest smiles and has no idea what the infield fly rule is.”

The fight began in 1987, when Marge Schott, president and CEO of the Cincinnati Reds, agreed to allow women (and dogs) the right to vote in exchange for the elimination of voting rights for African-Americans, Jews, gay people, anyone with facial hair, and unmarried couples living in sin.  After Barry Larkin and Eric Davis were elected to the 1989 All-Star Team, Schott immediately abandoned the women-can-vote experiment and decided to build a time machine and move to 1930s Germany, where she died.

In 1989, there were rumblings in San Diego regarding the lifting of restrictions on women voting, but the fall of Communism in that city and a number of others moved women’s All-Star suffrage to a less prominent place on the international agenda, and little progress was made.

The Bosnian Civil War (1992-95) was fought largely over this issue, and as the battlefields cleared, the world was left with two rival organizations, both seeking female voting rights and larger selections of craft beer at concession stands.  The two organizations were the National (League) Woman Shortstop Association (NWSA), founded by Elizabeth Cady “Mike” “Giancarlo” Stanton, and the American (League) Woman Shortstop Association (AWSA), founded by Lucy “Steve” Stone and Julia “Turner” Ward “Art” Howe.  Both organizations tried to turn the tide, team by team.

The election of Hillary Clinton to the American League All-Star Team in 1998 was seen as a true turning point, as she played nine error-free innings at second base, hit three home runs, and won the game’s MVP (Most Valuable Princess) award.  Following the game, the Yankees, Orioles, Blue Jays, Red Sox, and Mariners all announced that women would be permitted to vote for All-Stars in their home stadiums beginning in 1999.

Over the next three years, more teams decided to lift the ban on women, including the famed Tulsa Menstruators, a team that has since been contracted and removed from the history books.  By 2004, commissioner of baseball George W. “Homer” Bush insisted on bringing a bill to the floor of the Winter Meetings, in the hope of creating one uniform policy for all of baseball (not to be confused with the many policies about baseball uniforms).

The bill passed, 2-1, with Commissioner Bush casting the deciding vote, and Supreme Court Justice Clarence “Frank” Thomas as the lone dissenter, citing past troubles with women like Anita “Aaron” Hill as his reason for preferring women not select the game’s starting lineup.

With the measure having passed, the remaining teams installed All-Star ballot dispensers in the women’s bathrooms, next to the free diaphragms, and all was once again right in the world.  We now await the introduction of legislation that will finally allow men to vote for the game’s starters as well.

Brian Kenny doesn’t care much for no-hitters.

Yes, I’m saying it: No-hitters, hitting streaks – antiquated notions. From a time where we are baseball values were misguided.

— Brian Kenny (@MrBrianKenny) July 3, 2013

I blame the mainstream media: Headlines of “12-0!” “No-hitter!” So stuck in the past. Think for yourselves! Stop being sheep!

— Brian Kenny (@MrBrianKenny) July 3, 2013

How brave, taking some innocuous thing that people find joy in and calling them “sheep.” On this 4^th of July Eve, clearly Brian Kenny has become our greatest hero, and let us resolve to celebrate the 4^th as Brian Kenny would have us celebrate it, devoid of more “antiquated” fun. To whit: Read the rest of this entry »