Enjoy Your Brian Kenny Approved 4th of July

Brian Kenny doesn’t care much for no-hitters.

Yes, I’m saying it: No-hitters, hitting streaks – antiquated notions. From a time where we are baseball values were misguided.

— Brian Kenny (@MrBrianKenny) July 3, 2013

 

I blame the mainstream media: Headlines of “12-0!” “No-hitter!” So stuck in the past. Think for yourselves! Stop being sheep!

— Brian Kenny (@MrBrianKenny) July 3, 2013

 

How brave, taking some innocuous thing that people find joy in and calling them “sheep.” On this 4^th of July Eve, clearly Brian Kenny has become our greatest hero, and let us resolve to celebrate the 4^th as Brian Kenny would have us celebrate it, devoid of more “antiquated” fun. To whit:

Fireworks have at least been around as long as the seventh century, when the Chinese used them in their celebrations. In this modern age, surely we can instead take in a 3D movie, or play video games on our iPads rather than set off miniature multi-colored explosions.

If you must have fireworks, consider just taking one of several existing videos of them on the Internet and make a gif of them, like I asked Notgraphs ingenue David Temple to:

Fireworks from Katy Perry’s bosoms is as modern and American as robot apple pie

Sausages have been around for centuries as well, and hot dogs have been sold since at least 1880. You want a more modern food to celebrate America than brats and dogs. Perhaps a turducken? Or maybe something with high fructose corn syrup? Do they make a gummy hot dog?

They do? Score!

Finally, why watch baseball at all on the Fourth? The game wasn’t even born in America. The first mention of something like baseball is from Surrey, England in 1749, and it was being played by the Prince of Wales, who was George III’s dad (h/t to the inestimable Craig Calcaterra and Hardball Talk). As in the George III to whom Thomas Jefferson and the rest of the Continental Congress were crafting the Declaration of Fucking Independence. So why don’t you get started on building a Rollerball track or laying out a Death Race course, something uniquely American that will appeal to our modern sensibilities, and relegate baseball to the past, where Brian Kenny says it belongs.

Yay America! Yay progress!