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Last Friday, MLB.com highlighted Dan Haren as the thirteenth pitcher to beat all 30 MLB teams, joining Al Leiter, Randy Johnson, Barry Zito, A.J. Burnett, Kevin Brown, Terry Mulholland, Curt Schilling, Woody Williams, Jamie Moyer, Javier Vazquez, Vicente Padilla and Derek Lowe, on a fairly meaningless list of people who pitched for a while in both leagues, since the addition of the Rays and Diamondbacks in 1998.

Winning the award for most insightful comment on the article:

Yes, I suppose that is true. Thanks, commenter.

As reported on yesterday by MLB.com’s Bill Chastain, Tampa Bay Rays pitcher Matt Moore is working his way back from elbow soreness. After his Sunday bullpen session, the left-hander was in good spirits, giving this insightful quote:

Today it was really just a great conditioning day for my shoulder, my lat, all the baseball-specific muscles.

It is clear that Matt Moore, science nerd, has science knowledge about science things that most of us did not even know existed, scientifically, in the first place — chiefly, baseball-specific muscles.

My interest piqued, I spent some time researching the fake internets of my mind and compiled the following list of baseball-specific muscles. This list is by no means comprehensive; feel free to add your own findings in the comments.

• sitim restinguere, or “the muscle of champions” – The only way to build this muscle is to have large coolers of iced beverages dumped over them.
• shoulder – Reclassified by Matt Moore as a baseball-specific muscle in 2013.
• lat – the baseball-specific equivalent of the latissimus dorsi.
• deridens diu pilam, or “the laughable long balls” – named in honor of the biceps of Gabe Kapler, the size of these “bad boys” is not necessarily linked to the frequency or distance of home runs.
• lignum proiciente, or “the bat-flipping muscle” – While all who play baseball professionally theoretically possess this muscle, we find that it is underdeveloped in some while being the predominant baseball-specific muscle in others.
• determinatur sordibus, or “the hustle muscle” – Delightfully rhymy, this muscle is generally only found in shorter and lither ballplayers and is often inversely proportional to other baseball-specific muscles; said to keep developing into old age, so it is often quite large in coaches and managers. Fun fact: Adam Dunn had an emergency determinatadectomy while in high school.
• carsons cistulli/dayns perry – The ability to capture the spirit of the game is centered in the groin, of course. While the dayns perry constantly pushes the loins outward, so as to unfurl the baseball-literadong from its editorial swaddling, the carsons cistulli is always working to restrain said while emanating its own joie de vivre. Ideally, these muscles are equally developed; sadly, they rarely are.
• lapso melius, or “slide-right” – These are the muscles used when a runner is trying to break up a double play; without them the top leg would remain along the ground and limply absorb the bag.

Piggybacking on Albert Pujols’s decision to sue former host of “American Bandstand” Jack Clark for declaring on the radio that he “knows for a fact” that Pujols used steroids, the Angels star has decided to sue NotGraphs as well, for this post by Carson from last October, which stated:

[I]t’s entirely within the realm of possibility that Pujols played a not insignificant portion of the 2012 MLB season sans an effing knee.

Indeed, the NotGraphs post showed an enhanced photo of Pujols’s lower body, where you could see that his knee was entirely missing. Said Pujols:

I’ve said time and time again that I have two knees. I’ve been tested hundreds of times throughout my career and never once has a test come back showing that I have only one. It was irresponsible and reckless for Carson Cistulli to have falsely accused me of missing a knee. My faith in Jesus Christ, and my respect for this game are too important to me. I would never be able to look my kids in the eye if I only had one knee. Because they are short and I need to kneel and people with one knee can’t really kneel.

I am currently in the process of taking legal action against NotGraphs. I am going to send a message that you cannot act in a reckless manner, like they have, and get away with it. My hope is mostly that they stop posting about people’s mustaches. Only Jesus Christ can judge the quality of people’s mustaches.

NotGraphs is vigorously defending the action.

As you are no doubt aware, or if you weren’t, now you are, because you are reading this fine article, Delmon Young has been designated for assignment by the Philadelphia Phillies. In honor of this great loss, the Royal We debut a new feature here on NotGraphs, in which We insert Delmon Young’s name into a shitty representation of the Western Canon, thus diminishing those works even further into the flammable morass of Lake Erie that is reality-TV-based popular culture.

In today’s episode, Delmon Young is the object of affection for one Edward Cullen, from New Moon, the second book in the Twilight Saga: Read the rest of this entry »

This has been Baseball Players Twerking.

Good night.

Just as Aaron struggled to escape the corpulent shadow of Ruth, and Rose the wiry one of Cobb, it is often said (ad nauseam, really) of Michael Tucker that he played the game under the shadow of Marc Newfield. Now, for the first time, we have photographic documentation of the latter man’s umbral presence in Tucker’s life.

From the eBay listing:

I have not seen another one—1993 SP rookie foil cards with this anomaly/phenomenon in the past 20 years. I guess the only “scenario” that can top this card would be if the card is of Johnny Damon with ghost shadow of DEREK JETER from the same set (both potential HOF), but doesn’t exist!!!…This ghostly error card is truly a rare find on a monumental scale of all errors cards and could be the ONLY ONE that has slipped through rather than being destroyed at the factory! This GHOSTLY ERROR CARD is and should be the “KING OF ALL ERROR CARDS”!

As if JETER would ever permit his ghost shadow to be revealed! Note that this priceless piece of baseball history and irrefutable evidence of the paranormal can be yours for $10,000.

* PEDs in Pill Form: How They Travel Through The Small Intestine
* Swallowing steroids: a graphical journey
* The Post-Game Spread and How Much of it Gets Absorbed
* Chewing Tobacco: A View From the Esophagus
* Bartolo Colon or Someone Else’s Colon? You Be The Judge
* The Game I’ll Never Forget That Was Interrupted by Acid Reflux
* Sunflower Seeds: Should You Eat The Shell?
* Q&A: What happens when you swallow chewing gum?
* Are stadium hot dog calorie counts truly accurate?
* Photo Essay: What If Your Favorite Stars Had Gastric Bypass Surgery?
* Excrequial Carrera, and other players whose names can be tortured into digestive system puns
* Burping: Is it just for minor leaguers?
* Suspensions, and other ways to make medication easier to take
* This Day In Baseball-Related Vomiting

Today my mind’s butterfly briefly lighted on years prior. Strange, since I really don’t have any reason to acknowledge the past. I’m a millennial, apparently, and us millennials are always looking toward the next millennium. We are the voices of the year 3000! If I do look into the past, or even the present, really–if I ever engage my immediate reality for even one damn second–I do so with precise questions herding me forward like the mutant weasel and/or turtle that I am. Questions like: What can I destroy with words? Also, if possible, can I maim and sully the work of someone long dead? Can I misinterpret sociolinguistic context to defame and dog someone who probably worked hard to earn their living? Can I unduly amend someone’s creative property without reasonable justification? Can I make unusual and amusing if somewhat nonsensical lists? If yes to any of these then I will consider the past, albeit briefly and while drinking Svedka, the official vodka of 2033.

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Reading the mind of every Mariner fan “@svenbranch: Steroids are supposed to make you awesome at sports. Jesus Montero proves otherwise.”

— Erik Knutsen (@ErikKnutsen) August 6, 2013

Jesus Montero suspended for performance diminishing drugs? #biogenesis

— Jeff Butterfield (@JesusSkywalker8) August 6, 2013

Jesus Montero tried to frame another player for his violations but with the pressure on he dropped the ball

— Jeff Sullivan (@based_ball) August 5, 2013

@AutobahnBismark At the same time, you have to ask why Jesus Montero still sucked.

— Ben (@franzferdinand2) August 6, 2013

I feel badly for the player suspended for PEDs whose performance was awful. Take Jesus Montero. Hitting .208 with as many Ks as hits. #Sad

— Jim Kubinski (@NDcoachKubinski) August 6, 2013

Why is MLB suspending Jesus Montero? It's not like he got better…ever. Fat, slow, with no contact. #GiveHimAPityPass

— Evan Flay (@Number12ForLife) August 6, 2013

BioGenisis owes Jesus Montero a refund. I've seen him play – no performance was enhanced. #steroids #mlb #biogenisis

— Matthew Kennedy (@mjk315) August 6, 2013

The Mariners are pleased with Jesus Montero's significant improvement after being suspended

— Michael Patneaude (@MPLogick) August 5, 2013

"That whole trade was supposed to be Salumi for both teams and ended up being a gigantic turd sandwich…" http://t.co/9I2rMwThfW

— annikusrex (@sloeboris) August 5, 2013

Hmmm, that last one makes me hungry.

Is it possible to feel bad for Jesus Montero? Because I sort of feel bad for Jesus Montero.

One of the highlights of this year’s SABR conference was a spirited former player session with ex-Phillies Dickie Noles, Gary Matthews, and Brad Lidge. Noles regaled the crowd with his version of events from the 1980 playoffs and World Series, when he apparently was bound and determined to throw at every single hitter on the Astros and Royals who dared to stand in against him. Brad Lidge talked about being on the mound to close out the 2009 2008 World Series, and also the beginnings of his career.

Sarge, as he’s prone to do as one third of the26^th ranked broadcast team in the Majors, rambled on extensively about how he doesn’t trust numbers, he trusts heart, and barely discussed his playing career. He did, however, provide the greatest revelation of the conference, as it was revealed that Gary Matthews is not just a former ballplayer. He’s not just a broadcaster. He’s not just the father of Gary Matthews Jr. He is all of these three, and he is also a hatter.

That’s right, Gary Matthews makes hats. Beautiful hats. All the hats you could ever want, if your head wasn’t shaped funny like mine, and therefore you looked ridiculous in a hat. Hats galore. He’s even starting a line of little fedoras for kids. Which will be adorable because kids in hats. His website boasts, “Along with his family and baseball, Sarge has a great love for stylish headwear. A quality hat always tops off his look and Sarge wanted to share his passion for headwear with his friends and fans. Creating a collection of his favorite styles, SargesHats.com is the on-line destination for classically styled and high quality hats and caps for men and women.”

Perhaps his meandering on television and in person are because he is still using the traditional mercurit nitrate for felting his hats, and prolonged exposure is driving him mad. That would explain a lot anyway. Well, as he slowly succumbs to mercury poisoning, he is leaving behind a fine legacy of headwear. Here now are the 10 best hats available for the discriminating gentleman to purchase today-right now, in fact-on SargesHats.com*: Read the rest of this entry »