Archive for Uncategorized

After I did a post like this last year, I told myself I would use the “Like” feature in Instapaper to flag my favorite baseball reads of the year to make this post easier next time. I often forgot to do this, but did flag twelve pieces I thought were awesome enough for me to remember I was going to have a system for keeping track of this stuff. Here they are, and please do share your favorite reads of the year in the comments! (It is clear from my list that I think Bryan Curtis is doing some really great work over at Grantland.)

Postscript: Earl Weaver
The New Yorker / January 21, 2013 / Roger Angell

The All-Stars of David (about Israel’s World Baseball Classic team)
Details / March 2013 / Charles Bethea

Lying Around with Brandon McCarthy (terrific profile of McCarthy)
Buzzfeed / March 29, 2013 / Michael J. Mooney

Don’t Mess With Texas (the booing of Josh Hamilton)
Grantland / April 8, 2013 / Bryan Curtis

He is Not a Prospect (profile of minor leaguer Mike Cervenak)
Grantland / June 27, 2013 / Bryan Curtis

Saber Rattler (profile of forgotten sabermetrician Mike Gimbel)
Grantland / August 2, 2013 / Hua Hsu

Matt Harvey, Young Gun in the Big City
Men’s Journal / August 2013 / David Amsden

#YOSTED (the Royals and Ned Yost)
Rany on the Royals / September 10, 2013 / Rany Jazayerli

A Complete Ranking of ESPN’s ’30 for 30′ Films (okay, this one’s only partially baseball)
Vulture / October 1, 2013 / Pete Beatty

Rocked (oral history of the 1989 World Series)
Grantland / October 23, 2013 / Bryan Curtis and Patricia Lee

World Series 2013: This is it – An oral history of the Red Sox’ season so far
Over The Monster / October 23, 2013 / Bryan Joiner

Why I Quit Major League Baseball
The New Yorker / October 30, 2013 / Adrian Cardenas

Okay, first of all, no one gets instantly dismissed. Too many of these voters writing about their stupid ballots start by automatically eliminating folks like Mike Timlin or Jacque Jones. No, they don’t have the gaudy statistics of someone like Greg Maddux or Jeff Bagwell, but that doesn’t mean they’re less worthy of the Hall of Fame. People have robbed me of awards and distinctions all my life just because I don’t have the qualifications. That doesn’t make me less deserving. And it hurts my feelings. How do we know if Hideo Nomo is one rejection away from jumping off the Yokohama Landmark Tower? My ballot will not be what drives someone to his ultimate doom, I promise you.

Except maybe Jack Morris, because what the heck did he ever do to get so many people talking about him? He was a good pitcher, fine, but he looks really mean, with that crazy mustache, and people who look mean shouldn’t win accolades. Nice, friendly people should win accolades. Which is why Jack Morris is not on my ballot and Sean Casey is. Everyone loves Sean Casey. People like Sean Casey should be in the Hall of Fame.

You know, it’s fun to look at the ballot and realize how flawed most baseball players are as human beings. Armando Benitez was arresting for allegedly assaulting a former girlfriend. Paul Lo Duca had a gambling problem. Richie Sexson: DUI charges. Eric Gagne used HGH. Jeff Kent has had dozens of articles written about what a terrible personality he has, plus he was a contestant on “Survivor,” which means there’s something seriously messed up in his head. Rafael Palmeiro, Sammy Sosa, Mark McGwire, Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens, all steroid-related issues there. Tim Raines, costly cocaine habit. Curt Schilling cost the state of Rhode Island millions of dollars. Jeff Bagwell seems to be involved in some crazy story about a hand surgeon, a divorce, and rehab.

How many does that leave? Two? Three?

Craig Biggio: driving while intoxicated.

Mike Piazza: played a gangster on stage in a Miami ballet, which definitely sounds all messed up.

Larry Walker: Canadian.

Kenny Rogers doctored baseballs.

Moises Alou urinated on his hands.

Luis Gonzalez, Ray Durham, Hideo Nomo, Richie Sexson, J.T. Snow, Jacque Jones, Todd Jones, and Mike Timlin all come close but ultimately I decided there is probably some Google evidence out there that would lead me to eliminate them, if only I searched the right keywords.

All of which leads me to my ballot:

Greg Maddux, Frank Thomas, Mike Mussina, Tom Glavine, Edgar Martinez, Alan Trammell, Fred McGriff, Lee Smith, Don Mattingly, and Sean Casey.

There are worse, aren’t there?

The headline that was literally interpreted.

As Zach Links of MLB Trade Rumors reported yesterday — relaying info from ESPN.com’s Jerry Crasnick — agent Scott Boras has attempted to engage the New York Mets on his clients Kendrys Morales and Stephen Drew.

What that statement probably doesn’t mean, but what I have decided to believe is true — because without constant flight of fancy such as this I would become overwhelmed by the number and magnitude of my own failures — is that Boras attempted to become engaged to be married to the Mets while on top of Morales and Drew.

And so it is:

It will all be over soon, Stephen.

This has been a Hot Stove Headline, misinterpreted.

As ESPN, Wikipedia, The Baltimore Sun, MASN reporter Roch Kubatko, and 44,400 search results tell us, Grant Balfour is “now in jeopardy.” More evidence below:

You, the Jeopardy attentive reader, should consider it your duty to imagine further punny categories in the comments below.

Hard for me to believe Mark Ellis is only 36.

Mark Ellis played with Randy Velarde on the 2002 A’s.
Randy Velarde played with Joe Niekro on the 1987 Yankees.
Joe Niekro played with Ernie Banks on the 1967 Cubs.
Ernie Banks played with Hank Sauer on the 1953 Cubs
Hank Sauer played with Ernie Lombardi on the 1941 Reds
Ernie Lombardi played with Jack Quinn on the 1931 Brooklyn Robins
Jack Quinn played with Jack Chesbro on the 1909 New York Highlanders
Jack Chesbro debuted on the 1899 Pirates.

Yes, I realize you can do that with every player.

But Mark Ellis still seems really old to me.

Hopeless Joe here, with a look at one of baseball’s top remaining free agents, someone I think has been getting a raw deal in the marketplace, with virtually no downside to signing him, a MVP award in his past, ability to play every infield position, or at least maybe, great character guy in the clubhouse, if you define character as someone who would make for a good antagonist in a movie, probably one of the ages he has claimed to be, or at least close to one of the ages he has claimed to be, possibly not still on drugs, maybe the owner of a Dominican Winter League team different from the one he was playing for, suspended in multiple countries.

I’m of course talking about Sam Fuld. Wait, no, Sam Fuld is a model citizen. Who I would pick in a fantasy draft, which is why I don’t play fantasy baseball. I mean Miguel Tejada. Who batted a .288 last season, and is obviously getting screwed, just like I got screwed when the plant I work for shut down. I mean died. Because I forgot to water it. Yes, I worked for a plant. His owner left him a ton of money in his will, and all I had to do was water him, and talk to him, and I couldn’t even do that, and he died and the executor of the will had me fired and now I don’t know what I’m doing and these FanGraphs pieces barely pay my rent, and I tried to pitch a piece to Psychology Today last week but they ended up sending someone to my apartment for an intervention, and, needless to say, they did not buy my article, even though I think the untold story of one of the widespread afflictions I suffer from, Fear of My Shadow, is a piece worth printing. But I digress.

Robinson Cano batted a .271 in 2008, which is 17 points lower than Tejada’s average last year. And Cano just got $240 million. So I don’t understand why no one is signing Tejada to a $260 million contract. It’s not like 39 is old. Please, don’t say 39 is old. Please.

Prediction: New York Mets, 1 year, $3 million.

There’s so much pressure around the Holidays, so many extra responsibilities for which we’re not terribly well prepared, such as having to tolerate our families without getting too drunk on good bourbon and falling asleep on the sofa on Christmas Eve, thereby scarring our children. Or perhaps you need to stay extra vigilant so that the kids aren’t left alone with racist Uncle Walt, who has been known to explain that the reason he keeps an assault rifle in a locked, glass cabinet in his home office is he wants to “be ready when they come over the wall” if he isn’t being engaged in conversation about the local football 11. Or maybe you have to be ready to open, unbind, and put batteries in every damn toy your kid receives before he erupts and smashes the egg nog punch bowl on the floor in a fit of rage. Or you might need to sell your plasma to pay for said presents.

Whatever else you wind up having to do this holiday season, the last thing you need is to have to figure out extra presents to buy at the last moment for the little baseball fans in your life. You’re stressed out enough without having to worry about whether the bat you buy is likely to murder the opposing pitcher with a comebacker, or Big League Chew is vegan, or Upper Deck baseball cards give paper cuts, or if vintage Starting Lineup figures are choking hazards. That’s why I’m here, providing you with access to the weird world of YouTube online toy reviews to help make your decision-making process easier, just like I did before.

We’ll start with something simple. A plush baseball is always appreciated:

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We unrolled the preliminary batch of this year’s Golden GIFs nominees on Thursday, but there’s more business to take care of: namely, paying tribute to 2013’s finest moments in bat flippage. Below are the nominees, in two separate categories, for Bat Flip GIF of the Year. As always, additional nominations are welcome via comment.

BEST BAT FLIP – MUSICAL OR COMEDY

Yasiel Puig’s Single

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The New York Times, with an expose about beards last week:

You can have facial hair in almost any industry these days, said Allan D. Peterkin, co-author of “The Bearded Gentleman: The Style Guide to Shaving Face,” and also a psychiatrist in Toronto. But there are a few exceptions, he said, and one of them is finance…. [B]ankers and traders are a conspicuously clean-shaven lot. In fact, I was unable to find a bearded banker to talk to me for this article.

So… one of these men is a banker. The other is not. Any guesses?

Okay, I guess neither one is a banker.

Beverl,y MA—Multiple  witrneses reportt seeing local facial hair having basebll blogge aZach Reynolds aTTEMTPINT TO craft a baseball-related blog pos “at the top of his inteeligence” while wearing cumbersom gloves. The normaly crisps andf reliable typist wAS reduced to tuyping an emaRRASIKNG meta-post rifve with asccidntall caps-lcokl presses and unfortuante spelling gaffes.

Reports scoming in mid-afternoon MOnday indciate that the bloger’s apartement is the primary culprit for his imprecide finger bhavior. The residential domicile is allregfly kept at a frigid 62 degrees, and the desk Reynolds normally sits at to craft blog posts is locatef ina zoone that is anohte5r 3-5 dgrees colder5 due to the thermostat being lvoated in a warmner room. Iirrefutabel scientific analYSES show that the glvoes severly hinder the blooger’s abilitry to typre accurately due to increADd ginfer surfqace area, lack of tactile feedback when excetuing keystrokes, and diminshed fine-motorcontrol as a result of his fingers still actually being cold despiute having the glvoesd on. Some analkysts believe the cold might be affecting the already laxy man’s will to edit, as werll as think of baseball-related content in a time of year wehn nearly nothign non-JAMES LONEYT RELATED is happening in the sport.

Excluvsive photographic content captured late Monday AFTENON REveals the layabout weating ragged hobo mittens over knitted touchpoiint glovs. “This kind of thign could absolutley hiunder one;’s ability to type quickly and accurately.,” says al local law efnorcxment offfifer. “It might ebven make him not wreie a real post abot baseball. Or even, I don’;t know, attempt a fake news article about how his hands are cold. Tgat wold be dumb, though, so hipefully he doesn’;t do that..”

When contactef about why he doiesn’t simply turn up the heat in hus apartment, the shivering malcontent answered, “Hey I’m not paying to heat the whole neighborhood herw!” and “yo don;’t know what it’s lke living LIJKE I fo.:” confirming suspicions tatt the young man is weary and bitter at heart.

Attmpets by resuce organiztions to AIRLIFT BTHE BLOGGER A PARI OFHEATED GLVOES RESLUTSED IN CATSTROIPHE WHEN, distracvtred by the internt and it’s infinite fepths, Reynolfs failed to proippeply read ht eintrsutions pringted ont he packoacung of the heqated glvoes, casuing a massive fire ton erpout iun bhis writing nook, evfnutally spreading andf bringinn down the entieytel of BEvely, mAssachusetts.l As of pres time, heatreadings in thesmnoldeing wtreckage show two distinct bleue dots assunmed to be Reynolds’mn forver-frozerd hands.