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Baseball’s Newest Player Agent, Bubba Sparxxx

Probably no one saw my newsworthy tweet on Saturday:

It’s official (in the magical NotReality of NotGraphs, at least): Sparxxx has followed in Jay-Z’s footsteps as rap-star-turned-sports-agent. Sparxxx stated in a recent email to NotGraphs:

With the recent mega-contract for Robinson Cano orchestrated in part by Jay-Z and his Roc Nation Sports, along with current “rap style” hits by Major League Baseball players such as [Cleveland Indians right-hander] Trevor Bauer (“Gutter to the Grail”), one would think that the crossover between rap/hip-hop and professional sports is a new one. But if you are a true music and sports historian, you would recall that this interdisciplinary movement actual began in 1995 when, as a high school senior, I was a burgeoning rapper while also being an All-Region tight end and linebacker in LaGrange [Georgia]. The video for the first single on my debut album Dark Days, Bright Nights featured me and some pals in the mud with the ol’ pigskin, racing tractors, and performing at night on a baseball field illuminated by bug lights. If that’s not the epitome of the rap-sports connection, then nothing is. Furthermore, I have always been a player, now I just represent them, too.


The new face (and thumb) of player representation.

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Winter Meetings Recap

  • It does not look like it will be a homecoming for Tony Lazzeri, who is not being considered for the Yankees’ second base opening. Representatives for Lazzeri were unable to be reached, although Ken Rosenthal reported seeing them in the hotel lobby, having coffee with Dayton Moore and the ping-pong-headed mascot of the Jack In The Box chain of fast-food restaurants.
  • Ike Davis will be going to Japan. On vacation. He will reportedly be touring the Tsukiji Fish Market and eating at least three bowls of shio ramen.
  • In the Rule LXVIII draft of unprotected broadcasters, the Padres ended up with Fran Healy, who will now be doing the play-by-play on alternate Sunday afternoon games on SiriusXM radio.
  • The Red Sox agreed to terms with Billy, a new batboy, on a two-year deal, pending a physical by the team pediatrician.
  • The Washington Senators met with Scott Boras regarding Stephen Drew, but they don’t exist anymore, so there didn’t seem to be the makings of a deal. The two sides will continue the conversation next week over brunch.
  • The Rangers are expected to name Arnold Culliford as chief usher. Culliford’s son Chip sells hot dogs in the upper deck, and is reportedly seeking a three-year deal.
  • Johan Santana is drawing interest from six teams, fourteen orthopedic surgeons, and eight financial advisors. All will be watching him pitch, bend his knees, and check his balance at a local ATM.
  • Umpires are close to reaching a four-year deal on a new contract with the Florida State League. Anyone who can name any umpires in the Florida State League will automatically be eligible for the league pension, under the terms of the deal.
  • Was that former commissioner Happy Chandler enjoying the steak fajitas at a nearby Mexican restaurant? Probably not.
  • Bobby Valentine was said to be disappointed not to be considered for any of the zero remaining managerial openings, although he was seen in the lobby discussing the recent New York City mayoral election with Tim Bogar, Ruben Sierra, and an MLB Network associate producer.

Back in the Game: Final(?) Episode Review and Recap

In what may be an early Christmas gift to all of us, I think this is the last episode of Back in the Game that’s scheduled to air. Next week, ABC is scheduled to show re-runs of Modern Family, The Goldbergs, and The Middle before Barbara Walters is going to talk about people who fascinate her in the softest focus allowable by law. And none of the other three episodes that the network ordered are scheduled to air. So congratulations, everybody, we made it!

And what an episode to go out on, as the Angles learn they’re supposed to play on Christmas Day (what?!?), and Dick, the misogynist league president, encourages them to forfeit. Since they haven’t scored a run all year, the Angles override the objections of Coach Terry and vote to enjoy Christmas instead of getting their brains beat in.

Meanwhile, since his family never came to visit him over the holidays before, The Cannon ejects Terry and Danny from his house on Christmas so he can play poker with other old farts who don’t have any family (including a slumming Elliot Gould) and some strippers. Meanwhile, Terry is so obsessed with having a perfect Christmas for Danny that she ruins it, first by causing a mall Santa to go into diabetic shock, then getting her car towed, and then ranting to an entire Christmas party full of people about how shitty her holiday has been, and how she wants to quit Christmas like her team quit on her.

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2013 Golden GIFs: Nominees Announced!

‘Tis the season for commemorating achievement in filmmaking — and we at NotGraphs never miss a chance to participate in a cultural event (or a chance to hurl a barrage of animated bitmaps at your helpless computers). Therefore, we have decided to jump on board with our very own awards show. For the first annual Golden GIFs Awards, we pored over hundreds of the most sensational, groundbreaking, and critically acclaimed GIFs of 2013, and ultimately divided them into ten categories. Although the initial plan was to produce a list of five nominees for each, we soon realized that there was simply too much outstanding GIFfery this year, and in a few of the categories in particular there was simply no way to reduce the list to five. It will come as no surprise to cinephiles of baseball that David Ortiz and Yasiel Puig head this year’s list, with no fewer than four of each man’s films receiving nods. Prince Fielder is close behind, with three nominations.

We also recognize that, despite our exhaustive search, there are surely a number of worthy GIFs that escaped our attention. Therefore, we are submitting the following as a preliminary list, and for the next week we will be accepting additional awards nominees for consideration in the Comments section. Once these have been considered, a final list will be produced and given back to you, the voters, for a final vote.

Stay tuned also for our companion awards show — where we will choose, in both Drama and Musical or Comedy categories, the Bat Flips of the Year.

BEST GIF – DRAMA

Gomez vs. McCann

atlmilfight2_small

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Idea Workshopping: Building a Different Baseball Card Game

Let me first say that I am in no way an authority on baseball cards, or even baseball for that matter. I don’t even really like baseball, I just like traditions that facilitate the wearing of high-socks. I never collected baseball cards and I never wanted to; I thought baseball was dumb when I was young, plus my youth didn’t really overlap with the time that most people loved baseball cards. Also I spent much of my youth in Germany, where baseball is considered “blöd.” Why do I write for Notgraphs. (I kid, baseball “ist kool”).

What I do know about baseball cards is that they are not what they used to be! As a non-baseball card person it seems like they’re not worth much unless they’re Honus Wagner and were discovered in an attic in Germantown, PA by someone’s great aunt. Which is to say, they have historical significance and are probably a worthwhile interest to those who were interested when they were big, but to me, a brazen, uncouth, possibly anti-American youth, baseball cards hold no interest outside of being a record of moustaches throughout baseball history. Which—that’s pretty valuable, I’ll admit.

However, being a nerd, I love collectible cards. Cards like Magic cards, or the Pokemon cards I so desperately coveted when I was 11. The appeal of those games is not just in the collecting, but in how each card adds a key strategic piece to one’s deck. Acquiring a rare card doesn’t just mean it gets stored in a plastic sleeve, but that it could have potential to benefit you in competitive play. In that sense collectible card games (CCGs!) like Magic or deck-building games like Dominion and 7 Wonders are more similar to the task of a general manager in baseball than cards that are simply made to be collected.

This isn’t to say that there aren’t any baseball card games. In my admittedly hurried research it seems like most baseball card games are some combination of 1) baseball simulations (i.e. do not involve strategy after a set of cards is assembled) 2) involve only individual games (i.e. not the strategy of winning over the course of a season or seasons) 3) antiques and do not fully resemble modern baseball. Most of these card games involve managerial strategy, but none involve general managerial strategy. Which is what I’m interested in. Playing pretend that I’m Billy Beane.

In other words, there is probably no card game whose aim is to create the experience of being a Major League general manager. If it does exist, do tell me. Also, I realize that fantasy baseball accomplishes a lot of what I’m talking about without the hassle of cards and direct human interaction (ugh!). But fantasy takes a whole season to play out and… just isn’t the same. What I want is to be able to gather some friends  for an evening and act as general manager of a fake baseball team. To my knowledge, I cannot yet do this.

So I want to workshop what this game could be. I’m going to brainstorm some ideas and questions, and if you have any thoughts or suggestions please do leave a comment. If we come to something worthwhile I’ll make a follow-up post detailing a draft of the game’s rules.

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Best Hiroki Kuroda Anagram

Okra

Hi, Our Okra Kid


Best Movies of 2013

1. The Randy Wolf of Wall Street
2. Quiroz The Great and Powerful
3. American League Hustle
4. Inside Rajai Davis
5. We’re The Shelby Millers
6. 12 Years A Brave
7. Vida Blue Jasmine
8. Austin Jackson Sea of Monsters
9. Jeff Francis Ha
10. Kal Daniels’ Billy Butler


Trading Half of Justin Masterson Is Not As Crazy As It Sounds

Bob Nightengale says that the Yankees are looking into trading for Justin Masterson. Meanwhile, Buster Olney says there are “no legs” to that rumor. Who’s to say they can’t both be right? Sure, any offer for Masterson would have to be dramatically reduced to compensate for having no legs. After all, as this lip-smacking, possibly-eating-while-video-podcasting YouTube pitching coach points out, back leg drive is an integral part of generating a pitcher’s velocity:

That said, Justin Masterson’s strong strikeout numbers are supported by his plus-plus ability to generate ground balls, and starting from closer to the ground may actually make Masterson more effective in keeping the ball down. This intriguing possibility could be worth a mid-level prospect, or a good A-ball arm for the Yankees.

 Masterson

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Alternatives to the 2013 GIBBYS

A scroll around the MLB.com site introduced me, for the first time ever, to the 2013 GIBBYS, a set of 22 awards apparently being issued today (!), in categories such as Moment of the Year, Storyline of the Year, Oddity of the Year, and Cut4 Topic of the Year (for “the season’s top-trending moments, as chronicled by Cut4”). (No, I do not know what Cut4 is either.)

GIBBYS, “the ultimate honors of the industry’s awards season,” stands, of course, for the Greatness in BaseBall Yearly awardS. I now present what I’m hoping will be the 23rd GIBBY award, for most tortured attempt to create an award acronym. Here are my five nominees:

1. FOXXs: For Outcomes that are Xtra Xtra good
2. SPAHNs: Season’s Pitching Awards for Heart and also NumberS
3. MAYSs: Most Awards of the Year, given Seasonally
4. LEFTYs: Lifetime Evaluation by the Fans of Total Yearly Statistics
5. CLEMENS: Collective Lies regarding EnhanceMents, Eventually Negating Statistics… award.

Perhaps you have some of your own.


Ballplayers: They’re Just Like Us!

They Gamble in the Break Room!

They Wield Deer Meat!

They Do Paperwork!

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