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I didn’t want to do two of these so close together, but then Delmon Young had to go and sign with the Baltimore Orioles this week, meaning it’s once again time for the royal We to insert Delmon Young’s name into a shitty representation of the Western Canon, thus diminishing these works even further into the flammable morass of Lake Erie that is realty-TV-based popular culture.

Today, Delmon Young plays the part he was born to play, as a terrible baseball player searching for someone, anyone to guide him, in Notgraphs-subsidized Internet GIF-maker and notable quitter David Temple’s favorite book, The Kid Who Only Hit Homers*:

*By the way, having re-read the first couple pages of this book for the purposes of this post, I just want to say that the ghost of Babe Ruth comes off as a total pedophile. No child should ever read this book again lest they be encouraged to accept “private coaching” from complete strangers after practice.

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As my colleague Mr. Reynolds observed earlier today, the Chicago Cubs have just unveiled a new club mascot for the first time in over a hundredyear, which is a term for “century” that I believed to be real until I Googled it ten seconds ago. I’m sure I am not alone in finding the Cubs’ choice to be a controversial one. Was anyone consulted on this? Were any alternatives considered? Now that “Clark” (or, as Mr. Reynolds more aptly christened him, “Coked-Out Bear Child”) has been unilaterally instated as the face of the franchise, it’s clearly too late to offer our own suggestions. How sad it is, then, that I had so many good ideas — visions of Cubs for which costumes already existed: ideas now fated to shrivel like desiccated fruit, as do all dreams deferred. You are welcome to vote on the following, if you enjoy exercises in futility.

Lion Cub

bostoncostume.com

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The Cubs recently announced they are bringing back a mascot to the franchise in the form of “Clark the Cub.” Clark, a name normally reserved for douchebags and Superman, is the first mascot the Cubs have had since Joa, a live bear that remained with the club for only three months. But before Joa the 1908 Cubs had this:

O terror!

And now the Cubs have this:

O terror! Terror abounds!

Here’s a fun game, if you’ve already finished the rest of the Internet. Try to find a baseball player where the number of Google results for a misspelled version of his name come closest to the number of results for his name spelled correctly.

For instance… Todd Zeile: 84,100 results. Todd Ziele: 6,240 results.

So that’s not so close.

Think you’ve figured out the trick here? Andruw Jones: 752,000 results. Andrew Jones… any guesses? Amazingly, only 417,000 results. A lot of people write about baseball on the Internet, compared to writing about ordinary people whose names are spelled appropriately.

Maybe the trick is to use obscure players. Marcus Semien: 32,000 results (31,000 of them link to FanGraphs). Marcus Semen: only 486 results, and most of them unsafe for work.

Jhonny Peralta: 923,000. Johnny Peralta: 58,200. Jake Peralta, Andy Samberg’s character on Brooklyn Nine-Nine: 31,400.

Wladimir Balentien: 121,000. Vladimir Balentien: 1,440. Vladimir Balentine: 42 results.

Can you find one where the misspelling exceeds the correct one? That’s your challenge, bored-at-work readers. That’s your challenge.

“Shameless”, is a word that might be used to describe the mental state of the author as he begins constructing this post. “Wholly Unaccomplished in Life”, is an epitaph to which said author will likely be resigned by the end of this same post….

Election to the National Baseball Hall of Fame is a mark — albeit an imprecise one, to say the least — of greatness. While some of the players enshrined in the Hall could hardly have been greater than they actually were (like the newly elected Greg Maddux), I think I speak for at least seven billion people when I say that the perfect set of eyebrows can greatly improve the aura of even the greatest of the greats. Great. So.

Jackie Robinson with Branch Rickey and his perfect eyebrows.

Speaking again for those same seven billion people, I say that Branch Rickey’s eyebrows are perfect for affixing under almost any circumstance. Here they are, then, affixed in pixels to the newest inductees to the Hall of Fame.

Greg Maddux

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8:00 PM. Where are the jokes about baseball?
8:01 PM. I’m really not sure why Tina Fey and Amy Poehler were picked to host this baseball fielding awards show. I mean, I like Tina Fey and Amy Poehler, but what do they know about baseball?
8:03 PM. Wow, they sure got a lot of big celebrities to come to this thing. Wonder why they’re all sitting in the front. I guess Joey Votto is somewhere in the mezzanine.
8:06 PM. Lots and lots of movie jokes, but none about 42. That’s really confusing. You would think if they’re going to talk about movies, they would celebrate the one movie that’s about baseball. Crazy.
8:08 PM. Totally didn’t realize that’s what Johnny Damon looks like, and that his actual first name is Matt. He really cleans up well.
8:10 PM. Did Brandon Phillips really have that good of a year?
8:13 PM. Best supporting actor? You mean like the infield coach? When are they going to get to the catchers?
8:16 PM. These award shows really take forever to get going. I can’t believe someone sent his mother to accept the award for him. Who is she? At least the statue is nice. It looks like a very fine baseball indeed.
8:22 PM. I certainly hope Troy Tulowitzki wins his category.
8:26 PM. Oh… wait… Golden GLOBES????
8:27 PM. No, no, I think former Padres pitcher Brian Lawrence must have just gotten a sex change or something.

On NotGraphs, the readers are entertained by one of two kinds of articles: the kind that require work and creativity and those where somebody’s name is hastily inserted into a work of literature. This is the latter.

Today, certain circumstances have conspired to make it necessary that the Royal We insert self-appointed stathead icon Brian Kenny, former BBWAA president Susan Slusser, Fox Sports reporter Ken Rosenthal, and former catcher Mike Piazza’s names into a revered representation of the Western Canon, thus making it much louder and unlisten-to-able.

In today’s episode, self-appointed stathead icon Brian Kenny conducts an inquiry in the town of Salem to the tune of Arthur Miller’s seminal work, The Crucible. Any further meaning you may or may not take out of this insertion is entirely on you.

BRIAN KENNY: I am a stranger here, as you know. And in my ignorance I find it hard to draw a clear opinion of them that come accused before the court. And so this afternoon, and now tonight, I go from house to house-I come now from Mike Piazza’s house and-
SUSAN SLUSSER, shocked: Piazza’s charged!
BRIAN KENNY: God forbid such a one be charged. She is, however-mentioned somewhat.
SUSAN SLUSSER, with an attempt at a laugh: You will never believe, I hope, that Piazza trafficked with the Devil.
BRIAN KENNY: Woman, it is possible.
KEN ROSENTHAL, taken aback: Surely you cannot think so.
BRIAN KENNY: This is a strange time, Mister. No man may longer doubt the powers of the dark are gathered in monstrous attack upon this village. There is too much evidence now to deny it. You will agree, sir?
KEN ROSENTHAL, evading: I- have no knowledge in that line. But it’s hard to think so pious a catcher be secretly a Devil’s bitch after forty-five year of such good prayer.
BRIAN KENNY: Aye. But the Devil is a wily one, you cannot deny it.

No, Brian. Indeed, we cannot deny how wily the devil has become. We cannot deny it at all.

“I guarantee you that if Mad Dog was pitching today,” Leo Mazzone, Maddux’s vaunted former pitching coach with the Atlanta Braves told USA TODAY Sports, “he would never give up a run all year.”

In addition to our Steamer and Oliver projections, we’ve now added projections based on the MAZZONE system to our player pages. Though these numbers, which are entirely based on the off-the-cuff opinions of former pitching coach Leo Mazzone, have been criticized by analysts on several counts — notably, for being weighted toward retired Atlanta Braves players, and for being insane — we’re including them on our site as an important resource for fantasy owners, especially those who have abandoned all faith in the scientific method.

In 2005 the United States government funded a nearly $200 million dollar advertising campaign titled “Above The Influence” intended to curb marijuana and drug use among teens and young adults. The campaign, unlike the “My Anti-Drug” campaign that preceded it, has been effective in reducing drug use among teens, a result that inexplicably rankled the entire nation of Australia. So Australia fought back.

In direct opposition to to the successful campaign, the Australian Baseball League (ABL) adopted “Be The Influence” as league slogan, commanding every Australian to encourage American teens to abuse drugs. The campaign, though morally bereft and fully evil–not to mention horrid and sick, just… sick–has been a resounding success. From a disregarded desert of death-snakes rotting on the bum-side of the planet, Australians have succeeded in causing America’s youth to spiral into a twitchy, drug-addled catatonia, all by telling ABL fans to speak positively to American kids about drug use anytime they visit. The substantial effectiveness of the Aussies is reportedly due to a mix of their friendly, informal attitude and the American misconception that anyone with an accent is a fucking genius.

Americans hope the aggravatingly competent ABL chooses to alter their slogan–and soon–to target other countries battling drug problems, like Iran or Mexico. However, rumors are circulating that the crafty Ozlanders are targeting America’s neighbor to the north, rebranding Canada’s benign “DrugsNot4Me” campaign as “DrugsYes4MeAnd4U2” to kick off next year.

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The “Be the Influence” slogan is, in actuality, meant to raise awareness of binge drinking among Australians–a noble campaign by all accounts, seeing as Foster’s is gross.

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BONUS: Here’s an ABL brawl from last week, in case you haven’t already seen it:

And he has the Internet to thank! With the first ever Hall of Fame vote credited to “tweeples,” presenting the immortal and amazing Jacque Jones!

Apprecaite my tweeples for helping me get that 1 HOF vote. Seriously that is awesome.

— Jacque Jones (@JacqueJones11) January 8, 2014

@desipiodotcom @kengurnick @raymon322 Happy New Year Angry Smurf!!!!!!

— Jacque Jones (@JacqueJones11) January 8, 2014

Jacque Jones was once on a fantasy team of mine, I think. It was not the season he had the .852 OPS. Maybe it was the one he had the .446 OPS. Yes, that’s right, .446. Happy New Year, Angry Smurf.