Report: Australian Baseball League Destroying America

In 2005 the United States government funded a nearly $200 million dollar advertising campaign titled “Above The Influence” intended to curb marijuana and drug use among teens and young adults. The campaign, unlike the “My Anti-Drug” campaign that preceded it, has been effective in reducing drug use among teens, a result that inexplicably rankled the entire nation of Australia. So Australia fought back.

In direct opposition to to the successful campaign, the Australian Baseball League (ABL) adopted “Be The Influence” as league slogan, commanding every Australian to encourage American teens to abuse drugs. The campaign, though morally bereft and fully evil–not to mention horrid and sick, just… sick–has been a resounding success. From a disregarded desert of death-snakes rotting on the bum-side of the planet, Australians have succeeded in causing America’s youth to spiral into a twitchy, drug-addled catatonia, all by telling ABL fans to speak positively to American kids about drug use anytime they visit. The substantial effectiveness of the Aussies is reportedly due to a mix of their friendly, informal attitude and the American misconception that anyone with an accent is a fucking genius.

Americans hope the aggravatingly competent ABL chooses to alter their slogan–and soon–to target other countries battling drug problems, like Iran or Mexico. However, rumors are circulating that the crafty Ozlanders are targeting America’s neighbor to the north, rebranding Canada’s benign “DrugsNot4Me” campaign as “DrugsYes4MeAnd4U2” to kick off next year.

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The “Be the Influence” slogan is, in actuality, meant to raise awareness of binge drinking among Australians–a noble campaign by all accounts, seeing as Foster’s is gross.

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BONUS: Here’s an ABL brawl from last week, in case you haven’t already seen it: