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In what is surely an exciting development for their groundskeeping and stadium maintenance crews, the New York Yankees today announced a seven-year deal with Tanaka Power Equipment, a brand within the Hitachi Power Tools Group. The deal will give Yankees employees access to the very best in power tools, including chainsaws, grass trimmers, brush cutters, power augers, water pumps, and leaf blowers to maintain the grounds of New Yankee Stadium, at a time when new ballparks begin to show their wear.

Sure, $155 million seems expensive to get exclusive access to Tanaka’s two new straight shaft trimmers, but the Yankees have never shied away from paying top dollar to bring in the very best product. And really, you would be hard pressed to find a higher quality company than the one who introduced the world’s smallest industrial, general purpose 2-cycle engine all the way back in 1962. Also, given that all of Tanaka’s fine products come with a seven year consumer warranty, there’s little risk of the club being left in the lurch should any of the equipment break down.

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After signing his new contract, Clayton Kershaw is approximately equal in value to the Gross Domestic Product of the Republic of Palau. To avoid any confusion between the two entities, I’ve prepared this handy table of comparisons.

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Look at this Inuit man. Let his face, an etching of curious disdain, deflate your idiotic woes. Study his posture–the quintessence of nonchalance–then mimic it. He won’t mind; he doesn’t even notice you. Do you see his barren homeland? He pays its harshness no regard–a conqueror need not heed the already conquered. He reads, he naps, he pretends to care. He inserts his own name, Ikniqpalaguq, into classic works of literature, or The Saturday Evening Post. He does not give a fuck. He is a leisured gentleman. This man is NotGraphs in the offseason, but way, way better at hunting polar bears.

From the Chicago Tribune.

Ridiculous typo, of course. (Not) from the article:

“They’re dragging the Ricketts’ [sic] name through the mud. There’s nothing wrong with the softening of bones due to a Vitamin D deficiency. Rickets gets such a bad rap, but it’s totally undeserved. Everyone wants ballplayers to have soft hands — but then when it comes to soft bones everyone fights it? It’s nonsense. We want our players to be soft all over — soft hands, soft bones, a soft heart, and soft of constitution. That’s really the only way they can handle all the losing seasons, to be honest. Really, we think it’s been a problem ever since Wrigley Field started allowing night games. When they played 81 games in the sun, everyone got sufficient Vitamin D, and we didn’t have to think about Rickets. But with these night games — and the paralyzing fear of the world that takes over most of our players and their soft brains — no one gets enough sunlight, everyone’s malnourished, and Rickets has flourished. Not to mention Rod Scurvy, who might have been our bullpen coach except he died in 1992.”

There are very few baseball players with Luther in their name.

Anyway, Tinkers, Evers, and Chance think they’re more worthy of a holiday than this quartet. No matter how much we try to explain it to them.

This is Dave Brain

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At the time of his now-legendary demise, nineteenth-century pitcher Jim Creighton was already one of the superstars of the fledgling sport of baseball. Creighton’s exploits on the diamond (which included hurling the first shutout in history, and being put out only four times in an entire season) were remarkable enough to begin with, but — as with Shelley, or Hendrix, or Princess Diana — his shockingly premature death catapulted him from star to mythic hero. Later generations looked back with awe, unable to fathom how he had attained such dominance on the mound.

Until now.

Using a cutting-edge tool known as Image Enlargement (IE), a team of researchers has now uncovered conclusive evidence that Creighton used not a baseball, but rather fresh produce, to stymie contemporary batters. That the onion seems to have been his vegetable of choice certainly helps account for a few mysteries surrounding Creighton’s pitching — including reports of unusually irregular movement on his pitches, allegations that balls sometimes “flew apart” before reaching the plate, and anecdotes involving the peculiar stench that often accompanied the young hurler.

“Rules about equipment were notoriously lax during that period,” says Nerdley Wentwhistle of the Society for American Baseball Research. “Creighton could have gotten away with using just about any roughly globular object. His genius was in picking just about the last thing anyone would have expected. The element of surprise is a powerful thing.”

These are dark times. Like, actually, measurably dark because the northern hemisphere is tilted away from the sun. These are also dark times for the baseball-loving soul. You don’t need to be reminded of this; it consumes us. January is horrible.

In these times it is important to find ways to demonstrate to the darkness that you’ve still got it. It being aplomb, braggadocio, spunk, and measurable levels of responsibly supplemented Vitamin D3. You’ve also got to demonstrate to yourself, kind reader, that you’ve got it, otherwise the mire of life sans base-and-ball sports will overcome you from the inside. One way to do this is to remember better times, and if possible, remember better times that involve both baseball and accidental allusions to celebratory sodomy.
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From ESPN Media Zone (courtesy of Baseball Think Factory):

ESPN’s historic 25th season of Sunday Night Baseball presented by Taco Bell – Major League Baseball’s exclusive, national game of the week – will showcase baseball’s most exciting teams, best rivalries and brightest stars throughout 2014. The season will begin with an exclusive presentation of MLB’s Opening Night on ESPN presented by Scotts – Los Angeles Dodgers at San Diego Padres – on March 30 at 8 p.m. ET. Baseball Tonight will precede the telecast with a special 90-minute pre-game show at 6:30 p.m. hosted by Karl Ravech.

(emphasis added)

Announcing the unprecedented first season of NotGraphs Sunday Night Baseball presented by Purina, Imodium, and Stamps.com, the Internet’s exclusive, inclusive, and occlusive (it will gum up your Internet) game of the week, showcasing baseball-related products from Rawlings, Dick’s Sporting Goods, and Blue Cross Blue Shield, and, oh, maybe some baseball players too, as they hit and pitch and devour new edible delights from Sonic throughout the 2014 season. The season will begin with a once-in-a-lifetime intramural softball game between the folks at Skippy Peanut Butter and Smucker’s Jam (will be rebroadcast three more times, so don’t worry if you miss this once-in-a-lifetime chance), presented by our friends at Bread: Makers of Bread, the exclusive bread bakers for NotGraphs and all of our affiliates, including the National Mustache Society. Preceding the webcast will be a special 4-hour Salute to Actual Tweets, presented by Banco Unpopular, Frito-Lay, the National Wildlife Foundation, and Progesterone, the official hormone of our Sunday Night Baseball presentations.

“Did you make sure to include all of our sponsors in the press release?”

“Yeah, I think so.”

“Great. Don’t forget Swiffer.”

“Oh, okay.”

And one actual, complete, real headline. Seriously.