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(Corrected from earlier draft, “Hopeless Joe’s Ten Old Prescriptions.” Apologies for misunderstanding the assignment.)

1. Dan Haren proves to be the Dodgers’ most valuable starter.

When the entire rotation is carved up by a serial killer and sold for parts on the black market.

2. Chris Davis strikes out over 200 times.

Combined results from his in-person attempts and interactions via his profile on Match.com. (Don’t tell his wife.)

3. A member of the Braves’ front office staff is forced to undergo ligament-removal surgery after the team runs out of ligaments to use in Tommy John surgery.

Probably an intern. As a former internship director of mine once said, “interns are only good for their body parts, including their orifices.” (That was one of my best jobs.)

4. The Pirates lead the majors in Twins; the Twins lead the majors in Pirates.

Ahoy, Sam Deduno. And welcome to Pittsburgh, Winklevoss brothers.

5. Alcides Escobar wins his lawsuit against Paul Simon, claiming to be the original writer of Simon’s hit song, “You Can Call Me Al.”

In a related development, Asdrubal Cabrera releases a hit single, “You Can Call Me As.”

6. Stephen Drew signs with the Houston Rockets.

3 years, $45 million. Goes on to lead the league in rebounds.

7. J.P. Arencibia wins the Triple Crown.

Because baseball doesn’t really seem to be working out for him anymore.

8. The world doesn’t end in 2014.

Look, I think that’s bold, given everything we’re doing to this planet. Have you been outside recently? (I haven’t.)

9. Ruben Tejada leads the Mets in runs.

Probably his diet.

10. Jim Leyland rises from the grave and re-takes the Tigers’ managerial position.

What? Jim Leyland is still alive?? That’s impossible. Well, I guess I’ll just save this prediction for next year.

The already questionable Milwaukee bullpen was thrown into disarray earlier this week by the news that Francisco Rodriguez had sustained a serious injury. K-Rod has received the preliminary diagnosis of a third-degree PCSI (Plantar Cactaceous Spinaceous Implantation), and while the veteran righty will be soliciting a second opinion next week from Dr. James Andrews, he is by all accounts already preparing himself for a procedure that will sideline him indeterminately.

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It is a characteristic of NotGraphs that we are uncomfortably aware of other people, largely because we’re horrified whenever we are at all aware of ourselves. As such, I have determined it my duty to be uncomfortably aware of the current frequenters of this laundromat–the one I am literally within as I write this–and rate them for their potential as members of the sabermetrics community.

The methodology is simple: I will sit here in this chair in this laundromat in this squalid New England town and ferociously judge every person doing their laundry for their potential as enthusiasts of statistical analysis in baseball. They will be judged on a scale from TURD to KACHOW! Witness the laundromat in which I sat for two hours, except turn the beautiful fall foliage into barren frost-bitten twigs and turn one of those cars into my derelict Pontiac Sunfire SE:

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The New York Times had a piece earlier in the week, titled “Little Choice but to Hope Tejada Can Handle Job,” featuring quite possibly the least-supportive selection of quotes I’ve ever seen about a player.

“At this moment, Ruben Tejada is the shortstop here.”

“We don’t have a lot of options. He’s our main guy right now.”

“We just need him to get on base and turn the lineup over…. That’s all we need him to do. He’s definitely capable of it. He’s probably capable of more than that. But that’s what we need him to do.”

I assume the Mets have tried and failed to trade Tejada, because certainly no team would be interested if this is how his own team talks about him. What confuses me is why Terry Collins and Dave Hudgens feel like it makes sense to go on record about how disenchanted they are with a player who is still on the team, and who they still need to perform. I felt bad for Ruben Tejada after reading this article, even if he is as lazy as the piece makes him sound. Who wants to be publicly insulted by his boss? Professional athletes may make a ton of money, but they also suffer a lot of public shame and ridicule… though usually it comes from fans and commentators, not their own employers!

There is something a little puzzling about the Mets’ front office if they would rather stick with a player they think is the worst than be able to find some sort of acceptable replacement for him. Surely there is a shortstop available somewhere, anywhere, that would be preferable to them, based on this article.

Also, the Yankees have a really old team.

“I’m one of the league leaders in confidences. If I perform like I’ve always done, I’ll be one of the best players in this game. I don’t need any added motivation of drama at work. I’ll just let my work speak for itself, as every artist should.” – Ryan Braun, to USA Today’s Bob Nightengale

I can’t help admiring the kind of chutzpah it takes to essentially place yourself among the greats. To speak out, and through the power of your utterance to declare yourself the equal of the truly honored and revered. I speak, of course, of your Angelos, Michelled. Your Brandts, Remmed. Your Shias, LaBeofed. I wish I had that kind of self-assuredness, and the talent to presumably back it up.

I speak not, of course, of Braun’s baseball talent, which has been highly evident since the artist was a young man, a portrait of which he has graciously provided for us:

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Edward Mujica, BOS

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PHOENIX — Ryan Braun lashed out today at MLB’s new confidence testing program, insisting that his positive result for confidence was tainted by the anti-semitic Cubs fan urine collector who handled the sample improperly, dumping a bucket of extra confidence in before it was sent off to the lab. “I have never been confident, and, really, I have no reason to be confident since I am no longer taking drugs,” Braun insisted. The commissioner’s office is considering punishment for Braun due to excess confidence — the penalty for the first violation is being the subject of an hour of sports talk radio.

CAPTION: Ervin Santana checking to see if there is any news yet as far as his decision.

In breaking Ervin Santana news…

Santana still deciding what to eat for breakfast yesterday

It was initially reported that Santana had accepted an offer from waffles, but after french toast swooped in with the promise of a smaller deal with more incentives (free syrup), Santana promised to decide by 5PM. The deadline came and went with no answer, the waffles got cold, and then cereal came in with a three-bowl offer worth a reported 42 mini marshmallows. As the days continue to pass, we await word….

Santana hoping to pick out his costume today for Halloween ’09

After more than 50 months of no updates from Santana regarding the costume he would be wearing to a 2009 Halloween party, we heard this weekend that he had chosen to go with Captain Sully Sullenberger, who made the heroic emergency plane landing on the Hudson. This would have ended a 4+ year impasse, but we then received conflicting reports that he had decided to go as Michael Jackson’s doctor. Complicating things even further — a last-minute rumor that Santana would actually be dressing as Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor. All three costumes await further news…

Santana realizes Daylight Savings Time mistake

“Oh, when I said 5:00, I thought because of Daylight Savings Time, that was going to be next week. I promise, I promise, I’ll decide before the All-Star Break. Or before I get an arm injury. I hope. Maybe I’ll flip a coin. Do they have coins in Canada?”

Santana injured in accidental shooting

Unclear whether Alex Anthopoulos, Dan Duquette, or Terry Ryan is the leading suspect. Or perhaps it’s all of the fantasy baseball players who had drafts this past weekend.

Here at NotGraphs, we are no strangers to quantifying the absurdly subjective. And yet we never rest upon what we’ve already accomplished, no matter how extraordinary. Indeed, the cry of “Excelsior!” is an oft-uttered one around the NotGraphs offices, even as oft as “CISTULLI!!” and “Wait, we have offices?” So we have spent the winter sifting through vast reams of data, in an audacious effort to best isolate what it is that the baseball fan truly cares about. And here, with pleasure and some understandable anxiety, we present the result.

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