Ryan Braun Leads The Majors in Confidence…

Braun

PHOENIX — Ryan Braun lashed out today at MLB’s new confidence testing program, insisting that his positive result for confidence was tainted by the anti-semitic Cubs fan urine collector who handled the sample improperly, dumping a bucket of extra confidence in before it was sent off to the lab. “I have never been confident, and, really, I have no reason to be confident since I am no longer taking drugs,” Braun insisted. The commissioner’s office is considering punishment for Braun due to excess confidence — the penalty for the first violation is being the subject of an hour of sports talk radio.

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Jeremy Blachman is the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a satirical novel that should make people who didn't go to law school feel good about their life choices. Read more at McSweeney's or elsewhere. He likes e-mail.

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Titus Young
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Titus Young

Moises told me he was running out, so Delmon and me borrowed some from Brauns toilet. It looked fresh, other wise we wouldn’t of given it to Mr. Alou.

Dammit just put the cuffs on.