Archive for Uncategorized

Vampires Have Baseball Cards Now

The fundamentally awful work of one Carson J. Cistulli sent me to Ebay to find a series of hats that were infinitely better than the five he presented you with. I was going to make a joke about not sending a shabbily-dressed man-child to do a respectable person’s job, but then I got distracted by the following:

Vampire Baseball Cards: Team Cullen

Team Cullen

So I set aside my snide remarks about Carson Cistulli’s vagrant-y appearance and smell and focused instead on this unholy, undead abomination.

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not-Peavy and the Tale of the Finger

Jake Peavy explains his finger injury to the Boston Herald:

“Just getting ready to go fishing … promised my little boys I’d take them fishing. Went over to Bass Pro [Shops] and bought them some rod and reels and they were combined. Just tried to cut them, because they were wire-tied, using my knife,” Peavy said.

“With my right hand holding the rod, with my left holding the knife and when I broke the wire tab it (the knife) just stuck my knuckle pretty good.”

Peavy said he struck a vein and he bled pretty severely all over his shorts. He said he and his boys went to John Lackey’s house, where he discarded the bloody shorts for a new pair….

“It was a brand new knife and it was huge as well. It was new and big, so it was pretty sterile, but it was pretty sharp as well,” he said….

“No, we didn’t catch anything, but I might have got dad of the year votes on that one. I promised my 5-year-old we’d go fishing and that’s why I didn’t seek attention. My older two come with me (to the ballpark), but I leave him (the 5-year-old). We had about a hour before dark. I couldn’t tell my 5-year-old I couldn’t go fishing. It was his last day here,” he said.

As someone who has never been fishing, and is probably pretty unlikely to ever go fishing, I will attempt to translate this injury into something I can better relate to.

“Just getting ready to go to the library … promised my son I’d take him to the library to get some books. Went over to the children’s shelves and picked up a book, and it was stuck to another book. Just tried to pull them apart, and I got a paper cut,” not-Peavy said.

“With my right hand holding one book, with my left holding the other book, when I pulled the sticky pages from each other (one sheet) just sliced my delicate little finger pretty good.”

not-Peavy said he struck a capillary and he bled pretty invisibly all over the cuff of his polo shirt. He said he and his son went to John Lackey’s house, where he discarded one polo shirt for another one, in a slightly different shade of blue….

“It was a brand new book, and it was a picture book, so it was huge as well. It was new and big, and no one had taken it out of the library before, so it was pretty sterile, but it was pretty sharp as well,” he said….

“No, we didn’t end up reading anything, but I might have got Library Patron of the Year votes on that one. I promised my son we’d go back to the library and that’s why I didn’t seek attention. I could have used one of those tiny band-aids,” he said.


Baseball Wives are Scary Looking

Torii Hunter, via Instagram:

Mat Latos

Latos

Al Alburquerque, 2012 (I believe this is his ex-wife; he is currently married to a base)

Miguel Cabrera

miguel

Cabrera’s wife used to be married to Joe Dimaggio

And here are Alburquerque and Cabrera’s mates together on Family Picture Day


Derek Jeter, Angel

I can’t imagine how the guy could be an angel like this…It is human to err…Derek hasn’t made many errors that I’ve been able to witness.

– Joe Namath

On Monday in Tampa, footballing legend Joe Namath imputed nothing less than a supernatural lack of frailty to Derek Jeter. We numbers-minded people at NotGraphs were startled, to say the least, by Namath’s assertion. After all, a cursory search reveals that Jeter has been scored with no fewer than 243 errors over the course of his major league career, not to mention the Southern Atlantic League-record 56 errors he committed at age 19. In hopes of resolving this paradox, we contacted Mr. Namath by phone1 with the intention of showing him some video evidence of Jeter’s miscues. Unfortunately, we were only able to locate three such videos on YouTube, and Namath was quick to refute each one. Excerpts from our conversation follow:

Namath: “Yeah, I was there. What you don’t see is that Ross smeared some kind of foreign substance on the ball before he hit it. I mean whatever the stuff was he really lathered it up good. The thing would have been damn near impossible to catch. Typical Sox garbage.” [Namath did not elaborate on how Cody Ross managed to doctor the ball from the batter’s box.]

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PROPOSAL: New Ballpark for the Cardinals *wink*

I noticed something today, with my eyes and brain. Take a look at this picture and tell me if you see/think what I saw/thought:

Vatican

Actual don’t tell me. Just keep reading. Here’s what happened in my brain, the brain filling your brain with words and pictures that are unrelated to the work you should be doing:
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Tommy John to Have Miguel Sano Surgery

Tommy John’s worst fears came true this weekend.

The highly-retired former pitcher has a tear in his U.S. work visa and will need Miguel Sano surgery. John will fly to the Dominican Republic this week to undergo a study of his bones in order to determine his true age.

John was injured while walking to an AARP meeting.

It’s a bummer for canasta fans who can’t wait for John to return to his place at the table in between two other 70-year-old former athletes.


Ichiro’s Future

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Unfortunate Team Hashtags

Every year, thousands of well-intending Twitter users will slip their tweets unknowingly into a baseball Twitter search. For those like myself who leave a Tweetdeck search column running, I have the pleasure of encountering these non sequitur tweets. I’ve compiled a few, and graciously omitted those I see annually in my Chicago #Bears feed.

#Rays

I JUST WANTED BASEBALL NEWS. stop. CANNOT BE UNSEEN. stop. SEND HELP. stop.
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Samson on Survivor: Review and Recap

Samson vs. Garrett

I had hoped we could spend many weeks together, dissecting the Survivor journey of generally despicable Miami Marlins president David Samson. Unlike my previous trip through terrible baseball-related television, I actually enjoy Survivor. At least the people acting terribly to each other in this show are doing it with a greater purpose in mind.

Alas, (spoiler alert) despite professing to have watched the show from the very beginning, David Samson’s season was about as effective as the Marlins’ in 2012: A lot of big moves that backfire and eliminate him early. At least now we know this is an organization-wide problem.

I would like to embed the video for you, but CBS’s video player doesn’t seem to allow that. So, instead, I’ll direct you to their site, which none of you will go to. I mean, you might have watched it if it was right in front of you, but since it’s not, you’re probably just going to keep reading to enjoy all the terrible decision Samson makes, the ridiculous things he says, and the hilarious things people say about him. That’s how the Internet works. Sucks for you, CBS.

This season, as we discussed last Friday, has split the “tribes” up into three groups based on what the contestants supposedly use most in their everyday lives: Brains, Brawn, or Beauty. Obviously, that’s often not a clean distinction, as the beauty team has a student from Northwestern and the brain squad has a professional poker player who is absolutely ripped, but whatever. The brains (average IQ of 130, including Samson, arrive via helicopter to meet their opponents, who arrived by speed boat (beauty) and in the back of a truck (brawn). Super subtle, Survivor.

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The Cure for Spring Baseball Fever

Fever

If the chance to watch tons of spring training games on your computer is the CURE for spring baseball fever, I’m confused as to what exactly spring baseball fever is. Because I would think MLB.TV would more accurately be the CAUSE of spring baseball fever, or at least a symptom that you have it.

The cure for spring baseball fever, on the other hand, might be a Lifetime Movie Marathon, or maybe this weekend’s Polar Vortex, to make you feel like spring will never really arrive. Or perhaps the cure is a broken Internet connection and no more cable, so you can’t watch or read about baseball. Maybe the dissolution of your fantasy league, or a spouse threatening to leave you if you spend one more minute talking about your keeper list. Perhaps the cure for spring baseball fever is doing your taxes, or going to a funeral.

MLB.TV, on the other hand, will only make your spring baseball fever worse.

(And, yes, I spent way too much time thinking about that headline.)