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“Good afternoon on a beautiful day here in the ballpark. Baseball was made to be played on a day like this, and as the grounds crew removes the tarp, we are ready to get set to start today’s game between these two teams, whoever they may be. Don’t forget, today’s game is brought to you by our friends at Budweiser, makers of fine cars. Do your banking at Budweiser, or in a net at Budweiser-dot-corn.

“We also can’t forget to tell you about the Awful Announcing Announcer Rankings, where we finished 31st. Hey, that’s not bad. Not sure we really want to vouch for a set of rankings where our old pal Vince Cally finished 2nd, but, hey, who can beat the ol’ New York Giants and their team of talker people.

“So, the starting lineups tonight, we should tell you those. They’re brought to you by our friends at Toyota, king of beers. Crack open a Toyota, and enjoy the show, premiering Wednesday night at 9, here at Toyota and available in huge definition. Hey, so the pitcher is warming up in the bullpen. I think he may be a righty… no, wait… he’s a lefty. Big surprise there.

“We should mention some statistics. Did you know your home team is 0-1 in afternoon games so far this weekend. So that’s something to watch out for. Also, most of the hitters have never faced the opposing pitcher, who is making his first major league start that we’re aware of, although we’re now being told it is not actually his first start. Oh, wait, he’s not the pitcher, is he? He’s the umpire? Okay, we’ll start that whole sentence again.

“This actually reminds me of when I played, and there were batters and pitchers too. I faced a lot of pitchers, and did well off some of them, and poorly off others. But I always tried to stay within myself, and that’s really the key tonight.

“The keys of the game, brought to you by Taco Bell, the key to a satisfying home purchase. Taco Bell, with low interest rates, and representatives who come right to your door, seven days a week. If you need a new tire, it’s Taco Bell. Where were we? Oh, yes, the rain. It’s really coming down this morning. So I think we might have to pack it in and send you over to an episode of Charles In Charge, already in progress. Boy, that Charles. Will he ever learn? We’ll see you tomorrow for a day-night doubleheader, or, as Earl Banks once said, Play Ball!”

Yesterday’s New York Times Sunday Routine column covered a day in the life of Matt Harvey, where he admits to loving cheese:

Cheese is my favorite food of all time. I spend more on cheese at Whole Foods than all my other groceries combined. It’s a disgusting habit.

Which brings me to the first in a series. Matt Harvey’s Favorite Cheeses.

Let’s see… Matt Harvey… Tommy John surgery… Tommy… Tomme… TOMME. A low-in-fat cheese produced in the French Alps and Switzerland. Tasty-looking, and $29.99/lb. on the Murray’s Cheese website.

Stay tuned for more of Matt Harvey’s Favorite Cheeses.

Gollum’s riddle:

This thing all things devours:
Birds, beasts, trees, flowers;
Gnaws iron, bites steel;
Grinds hard stones to meal;
Slays king, ruins town,
And beats high mountain down.

-Gollum, The Hobbit

Answer: Time

Illustration:

Gary Gaetti’s senior High School picture, 1975

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Smeth Sith was a male Sabermorthian Platoon Dark Lord of the Sith who lived during the waning years of the San Diego Padres franchise. Originally a Sabermorthian Batbrother born on Rock-1 and known only as Begglesmethak, the infant Smeth was given by his Nightsister mother to the Dark Manager, Lord Clinth Hurdlehk, who instructed him in the ways of the dark side of the platoon as his secret apprentice in a Phoenix-area training facility, along with the help of a split-personality droid.

Smeth became a master of Juyo, Fungo’Kai, and Pepper-Eräs Käsi, with training in Niman, and chose to wield a maple-bladed, 35″/36oz bat-staff in combat. Though well-trained in the ways of the platoon, Smeth was often a violation of the Rule of Two, as his clans often included other out-fielding assassins unable to defend themselves against left-handed Jedi. The primary reason that he was allowed to persist in his clans in violation of the Rule of Two was that his Clan Masters and Dark Managers saw Smeth as an expendable asset. As a Strict Platoonist, Smeth could perform ably in specific missions for the Sith without running the risk of exposing trainees who were not yet ready for such high-level missions. When the other trainees were ready, Smeth could be abandoned by his current clan…

The usually-excellent Jonah Keri has a fine-looking piece I haven’t read yet over on Grantland making the case that the low batting averages and high strikeout rates this season are making 2014 feel like 1968.

I think he’s wrong. I think this season feels like 1794. Here’s why:

In 1794, the first session of the United States Senate was open to the public. In 2014, Astros games are also open to the public, although fewer people have noticed.

In 1794, Eli Whitney was granted a patent for the cotton gin. In 2014, baseball uniforms are made out of cotton.

In 1794, the Polish people overthrew the Russians in Warsaw. In 2014, Jeff Samardzija. Is he Polish? Czech?

In 1794, chemist Antoine Lavoisier was executed by guillotine. In 2014, Carlos Santana will be executed by guillotine IF HE DOESN’T START HITTING AGAIN WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM HE IS THE CORNERSTONE OF MY SCORESHEET TEAM WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY IS HE BATTING .132?

In 1794, British troops captured Port-au-Prince in Haiti. In 2014, Sandy Alderson captured Bobby Abreu and Kyle Farnsworth and put them on a baseball field for the first time since 1946.

In 1794, Horatio Nelson lost the sight in his right eye in a British military operation at Calvi in Corsica. In 2014, Brian McCann lost his batting eye and stopped walking.

In 1794, the United States and Great Britain concluded the Jay Treaty, the basis for ten years of peaceful trade between the two nations. In 2014, the Mariners traded Hector Noesi to the Rangers, leading to Noesi pitching a horrible seven-run inning for the Rangers and peace between no one at all.

In 1794, coffee was forbidden by royal decree in Sweden. I think baseball is going to ban it soon too.

In 1794, the French Republic abolished slavery. In 2014, only Stephen Drew and Kendrys Morales are slaves.

My case has been made.

Dr. Seuss presents…

There’s A Snatcherblot In My Catcherslot

Did you ever have the feeling there’s a Flitcher playing pitcher?
Or a Blortcrop playing shortstop?
Or a Groutpeeled in the outfield?
In certain sometimes cases there’s a Yasis stealing bases.
When I set my weekly lineup there’s a Grench stuck on my bench.
And that Flomer hit a homer! Eleven less than one Tripp Cromer.
There’s Moustakas in a fracas, and a Hamels with some camels.
And a Gee there by that tree. He’s been mostly nice to me.
And Nolasco, in a mask– no, Bobby Valentine I see.

My last saver was Joe Boever.
My last Blarza ate Matt Garza.
I saw four excited Spardja over there by Jeff Samardzija.
I am last in runs and ribbies.
‘Coz of all my Gluns and Glibbies.
If I only had a Trout my team could think of breaking out.
But since I only have a Freese, my team is off to rest in peace.

I think I’ve been reading too many children’s books.

Friends, I am sorry to have been absent from you for so long. There was a death in my family and a kidney stone trying to exit my body. My own emotional and physical pain on brief hiatus, I’m happy to be back, on Wrigley Field’s 100^th birthday, to recount the 10 most historically important things that ever happened at the storied ballpark:

10) 1931 – Hack Wilson gets in a fight with reporters, and is suspended for the final 17 games of the 1931 season, narrowly avoiding leading the National League in strikeouts for six consecutive seasons.

9) 1953 – Rookie Ernie Banks incenses the veterans on the team when he suggests that he wants to play two baseball games in one day. Everyone else just wants to get home in time to spend an hour or two with the kids and fall asleep in front of the TV watching I Love Lucy, or go out on the town, get liquored up and meet a dame.

8) 1945 – A man brings a pet goat to the World Series, somehow believing this to be appropriate. When his fellow fans object and he is ejected from the ballpark. Somehow, this becomes the team’s fault, and the goat owner, rather than admitting his own failings as a patron of the sport, or show any loyalty to his favorite team, predicts “they ain’t gonna win no more.” Read the rest of this entry »

[Don Giancarlo] has exercised the influence of a revelation upon my whole life…I regard [him] as a work without blemish, of uninterrupted perfection…

– Charles Gounod

[He] ascends with ease to the highest plane of revealed truth, the threshold of the world beyond…

– Pierre Jouve

One marvels again and again how everything comes to expression in him: heaven and earth, nature and man, comedy and tragedy, passion in all its forms and the most profound inner peace, the Virgin Mary and the demons, the church mass, the curious solemnity of the Freemasons and the dance hall, ignorant and sophisticated people, cowards and heroes (genuine or bogus), the faithful and the faithless, aristocrats and peasants…

– Karl Barth

I am getting a little tired of matzoh and macaroons. I mean, I don’t really mind matzoh and macaroons, and there’s nothing stopping me from turning them into some kind of more delicious concoction (matzoh macaroon pie?), but a week of matzoh and macaroons is getting kind of boring. (Pro tip: matzoh with cream cheese and banana is tastier than it sounds.) (Pro tip #2: matzoh with butter and horseradish is not tastier than it sounds, but if your in-laws walk into the kitchen while you’re eating it for breakfast, they’ll think you’re a little insane.)

Last week, I reported on the brave, lonely, and likely doomed struggle of Daniel Watts, who is attempting to become the first man of his tribe to reach the major leagues. Today I write to shed a light upon a matter of EVEN GREATER URGENCY, as well as acute personal interest. I write of the Fall of the House of Smith.

Remember the halcyon days of the late eighties? (Unsettlingly, some of you may not.) Remember when Lonnie Smith was a multitalented WAR machine, when Zane Smith was one of the best pitchers in the National League, when Ozzie Smith ruled the infield and Lee Smith ruled the ninth inning? In 1989, nine different Smiths logged an MLB plate appearance, nine different Smiths logged an inning pitched, and these men combined to post 27.5 WAR. In effect, there was a pretty respectable 27th major league team composed entirely of Smiths.

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