Archive for Feast Days

Our feast-day exercise returns and is yellower than ever.

Life: Wilver Dornell Stargell played 21 seasons with the Pittsburgh Pirates, who won the World Series twice during his career, once in 1971 and also in 1979. Playing mostly as a left fielder and first baseman, Stargell is remembered for his prodigious power. At one time, Stargell held the record for the longest homer in nearly half of the National League parks. He hit 475 lifetime homers despite playing his age-22 through -29 seasons in Pittsburgh’s Forbes Field, which allowed home runs at just 68% of the league-average rate over that same time. Stargell was also the driving force of the festive “We Are Family” Pirates and likely gave amazing Christmas gifts, although this last point is unsubstantiated.

Spiritual Exercise: Of Stargell, Dodger starter Don Sutton said, “I never saw anything like it. He doesn’t just hit pitchers, he takes away their dignity.” Question: with regard to dignity, is it a quality that one feels inside, or is it proscribed to us by others? Consider the case of Diogenes the Cynic, who lived like a dog (literally, as cynic is from the Greek kyon, which means “dog”) and yet made happiness the study of his life. Did he have dignity?

A Prayer for Willie Stargell

Willie Stargell!
No less a personage
than American poet
Robert Frost died
as a direct result
of the home run you hit
in 1971 at Philadelphia’s
Veterans Stadium, which
plummeted into the ocean
because the protective shell
didn’t separate
before entering orbit,
somber-faced officials
begrudgingly admitted.

The episode was
so full of pathos
that it spilled
over the sides
of its ice cream cone
and onto the street,
where it mixed with
Jamaican traditions
to create hip-hop music
in the Bronx in 1979.

Hail!

Both relentless and unrelenting, our feast-day celebrations continue today with the dynamic-est of duos.

Life: Besides birth dates, Messrs. Lefty O’Doul and Dazzy Vance share a peculiar trait, which is this: despite not playing regularly until their respective age-31 seasons, both managed to make cases for the Hall of Fame in their truncated major-league careers. Vance, who’s actually in the Hall, threw only 33 of his career 2966.2 innings before his age-31 season, but then proceeded to lead the league in strikeouts (by a conspicuously stupid margin) over the next seven seasons. O’Doul, for his part, recorded only 78 of his career 3659 plate appearances before his age-31 season, and then proceeded to post a 141 wRC+ from 1928 to 1933, before retiring at age 36. His career batting average of .3493 is fourth all-time, behind only Ty Cobb, Rogers Hornsby, and Shoeless Joe Jackson and his .413 on-base percentage is 29th.

Spiritual Exercise: Finish this analogy without thinking even for a second: “The TV show thirtsomething is to baby boomers as blank is to blank.”*

*Note: your answer is immaterial — only that you responded immediately is important.

A Prayer for the Talented Thirtysomethings

Dazzy Vance and Lefty O’Doul!
We’re gathered here today to talk about
which Back to the Future movie
most accurately depicts time travel.
Either that, or to celebrate all the notes
John Cage didn’t play — you guys choose.

Dazzy, for seven consecutive years,
you suuported fascism indirectly
by striking out opposition batters
at a heretofore unimagined pace.

Lefty, for a similar amount of time,
you were the prize in every box
of Cracker Jack, figuratively speaking.
Literally speaking, you were a batter
with considerably above-average contact rates
and the name of a non-alcoholic beer
in your own, actual name.

Sitting here now, I can’t help but imagine
all the questions NPR’s Terry Gross might’ve
asked you two, just given the chance —
like about your biggest childhood influences
and if you ever had a revelation or not.

Off the top of my head, I think that’d be, like,
the second- or third-best episode of Fresh Air ever —
not as good as when Jay-Z revealed the secret
to making his world-class Denver omelettes,
but way better than when Kiss’s Gene Simmons
burped the entire alphabet, like, six times,
then discussed vaccinating a rabbit in its privates.

Our experiment in feast-day celebrations for great baseballers continues today, unabated by law or conscience.

*Note: Edited from “Ward, the Multi-Talented,” per order of Whimsy.

Life: John Montgomery Ward has at least half-a-dozen claims to baseballing fame. With the exception of Babe Ruth, he’s probably the most successful two-way player ever, posting a 119 ERA+ as a pitcher in ca. 2500 innings and then, after an injury to his arm, accumulating 39.1 WAR as a field player (mostly at shortstop). Concurrent to his playing career, Ward attended Columbia Law, and graduated from same in 1885 (at age 25). Immediately thereafter, he began to establish himself as the first great voice of labor in baseball, leading the formation of the first professional sports players union (The Brotherhood of Professional Baseball Players) and a new baseball league, the Players League. Also, after his playing career, he became one of the country’s best golfers — you know, just for fun.

Spiritual Exercise: First, think of Monte Ward. Now, think of the Owen Wilson character from the movie Meet the Parents. Those guys are jerks, right?*

*Warning: Might not be an actual spiritual exercise. But, seriously, those guys are both jerks.

A Prayer for Monte Ward

I haven’t watched the YouTube video of you
stealing from the rich and giving to the poor
because I’ve been too busy watching the one of
Charlie Sheen accepting the Oscar for Gauntest Face
and this other one that’s a stop-motion video
of a beautiful flower first sprouting from the ground
and then bursting into bloom and then turning into
Charlie Sheen accepting the Oscar for Gauntest Face.

Still, people whose taste I trust have described your
performance with superlative adjectives —
a fact of which you’re likely unware, owing to
your death and subsequent internment at
Greenfield Cemetery in Uniondale, New York.

In your living years, though, you appear to’ve been
both well-bred and a champion of workers’ rights —
a combination that would win you respect in our time
and the right to date almost every female graduate
of both Vassar and Wesleyan Colleges.

With each day it becomes increasingly clear that our feast-day celebrations for notable baseballing figures aren’t going away.

Life: “Wee” Willie Keeler played 19 years in the major leagues, and his .3413 career batting average is the 14th highest of all time. The diminutive Keeler is famous for his simple batting advice — i.e. to “hit’em where they ain’t.” He’s also noted for having perfected, while playing with the Orioles of the mid-1890s, the “Baltimore Chop,” which is either (a) a technique wherein the batter hits the ball into the ground purposely so’s to induce a high bounce, or (b) a signature move in a mid-Atlantic variety of the martial arts.

Spiritual Exercise: In his poem “The Snow Man,” Wallace Stevens describes a character, out in a field during winter, who “beholds / Nothing that is not there and the nothing that is.” How, do you think, is it possible that “nothing” can both be and not be — and how, if at all, does this relate to Keeler’s famous approach to hitting? Finally — and most importantly — with whom, between Keeler and Stevens, would you prefer to have a drink?

A Prayer for Willie Keeler

You won the award for best spiritual wisdom
when you declared that your preferred strategy
while batting was to “hit’em where they ain’t” —
and won it again shortly thereafter
by advising a young teammate not to bite
the hand that feeds him, but certainly
to find out whose arm it’s attached to.

When a New York paper reported that you’d
experimented with chloral hydrate, nitrous
oxide, and even peyote in your efforts
to apprehend the mystery of your art
you neither denied nor confirmed the claim
but responded that to characterize hitting
as an “effort” of any description would be
to badly misunderstand the practice, continuing:

“I neither try to hit the ball,
nor don’t try to hit the ball,
nor try not to hit the ball
nor don’t try to not hit it.

And though I’ve occasionally
not tried to try and hit it,
and, even once, didn’t not try
to try and not hit it, I’ve found
all these approaches unsatisfying.”

Today’s contribution to baseball’s mostly new feast-day tradition is like ten works of art in just one work of art.

Life: Despite a career WAR of 116.1 that places him 14th all-time amongst field players, Ott’s legacy is a strange one. For example, he never once won an MVP Award in his 22-year career, and yet was a first-ballot Hall of Famer. Beyond this, anecdotal evidence suggests that modern fans are unaware of Ott’s dominance in his own time. Writing for The Hardball Times, Steve Treder attributes Ott’s lack of notoriety to his (i.e. Ott’s) mostly bland personality, the complications stemming from his home ballpark (the Polo Grounds), and his earlyish death at the age of 49.

Spiritual Exercise: Ask yourself, “What is fame?” Is it, as Socrates says, “the perfume of heroic deeds”? Or is it, as history suggests, merely a popular musical film from 1980?

A Prayer for Ott the Undeservedly Obscure

Mel Ott!
With your small stature, nondescript features,
and gruesome death at the hands of Javier Bardem
you represent the single biggest influence on the work
of American filmmakers Joel and Ethan Coen.

In an interview with the Chicago Reader
they describe you playfully as the
Ferrari 308GTS to their Magnum PI.

In another, with Asian Banker magazine,
they ask, “What exactly is Asian Banker, anyway?”

It’s these simple but penetrating questions
that inform the Coen Brothers’ celebrated process,
and the sort of questions, too, which reveal
the crime that is your undeserved obscurity —
a crime, if not against humanity per se,
then certainly against some kind of local ordinance
in one of our country’s more enlightened towns.

It’s no lie to say that NotGraphs is re-appropriating the Eastern feast-day tradition for its own, mostly nefarious, ends.

Life: The son of former major-leaguer Floyd, Brian Bannister is, in many ways, unlike his father. While the elder Bannister was a first-overall pick blessed with considerable natural talents, the younger has taken a far more deliberate approach to his game — in fact, becoming known for his interest in such sabermetric concepts as defense-independent pitching and Pitchf/x analysis. Despite his analytical efforts, Brian Bannister’s major-league resume has remained unexceptional, prompting him to take a contract from the Yomiuri Giants in January of 2011.

Spiritual Exercise: Socrates states famously in Plato’s Apologia that “the unexamined life is not worth living.” Does this sentiment apply to Bannister’s approach to pitching? Is it perhaps the case that Bannister’s examinations have hindered his performance — something akin to the concept of “paralysis by analysis”?

A Prayer for Bannister the Very Examined

Brian Bannister!
I always wonder
but still haven’t figured out
which user name is yours
at popular website
Royals Review.
My first guess is
you’re the guy
whose profile image
is GM Dayton Moore
skeet-shooting
all these Sade CDs
for some reason
but you could also be
the one whose image
is Zack Greinke
organizing a picket line
outside his own actual house.

If I could choose
an image for you,
it’d be this painting
I once saw at a gallery
of a calculator
pushing its own buttons.
As to why said image
is fitting, one could
certainly venture
any number of explanations
though this might
be an instance
where a mystery is best
left unexamined.

Today, we pay homage to Grover Cleveland Alexander — and perform a spiritual exercise in his honor.

Life: Grover Cleveland Alexander — known as “Pete” for reasons that remain mysterious — pitched for 20 years in the majors, spending time with the Chicago, Philadelphia, and St. Louis of the National League. Six times in his first seven seasons Alexander led the league in innings pitches — and is, in fact, 10th all-time with 5190.0 IP. Despite a number of health problems — including (but not limited to) alcoholism, epilepsy, and combat-related stress — Alexander still managed to pitch 2672 IP with a 130 ERA+ after returning from World War I.

Spiritual Exercise: While the modern mind will instinctively characterize Alexander’s relationship with alcohol as a “drinking problem,” he (i.e. Alexander) proved to be durable and effective in ways that few pitchers have ever exhibited. Ask yourself, “What else do I view with a modern bias?” and “What else do I fail to consider in the context of its time?” If you have an extra moment, also consider what sounds more delcious this moment, beer or wine.

Prayer of Grover Called Peter

Grover Cleveland Alexander!
You’re famous for being
the first pitcher ever
to appear in a painting
by tiny Frenchman
Henri Toulouse-Lautrec,
whose work “Le Lanceur”
depicts you drinking gin
and discussing the invention
of the prank phone call
with a table of amused
and bearded intellectuals.

Critics debate to this day
whether it’s French or English
you’re speaking; however,
there’s little disagreement
on the number of pants
you appear to be wearing —
a quantity one might
best characterize
as “none whatsoever.”

Described alternately as a “balm for the soul” and “something that only gaywads like,” our feast-day exercise continues with Santo the Thrice-Lifed.

Life: Despite having posted the eighth-highest WAR among third basemen ever (79.3), Santo has never fared particularly well in Hall of Fame voting. Diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes at the age of 18, Santo was forced to have both legs amputated, though he’s remembered as an unequivocally affirmative and generous person. For the last 20 years of his life, he worked as a color commentator for WGN Radio’s coverage of the Chicago Cubs — a post for which he received mixed (read: superbad) reviews.

Ritual: To celebrate the life of Ron Santo, receive praise for that which you do poorly, and remain unrecognized for that which you do well. Start… now!

A Prayer for Ron Santo

There are three Ron Santos in Ron Santo:
the shockingly underrated third baseman
the spokesman for human dignity
and the roundly panned radio voice
of the very depressing Cubs.

Three-in-one, one-in-three:
you are either a modern instance
of the holy trinity, Ron Santo,
or a very expensive pocket knife!

Alternate Prayer

While the sound of one hand clapping
remains an unsolved mystery,
the sound of Ron Santo clapping
has been documented extensively
courtesy of the Cubs Radio Network.

Our plagiarism of the Eastern Church’s feast-day tradition continues today with one of the game’s most important historical figures.

Life: Wagner is inarguably one of the greatest baseballers ever, compiling some 149.8 WAR in his 21-year career, and playing — according both to his contemporaries and the available fielding metrics — a passable shortstop through his age-42 season. Known as “The Flying Dutchman,” Wagner has also attained legendary status for his T206 baseball card, of which there are only 57 known copies.

Ritual: To commemorate and recognize Wagner, devise some amusing adjective-demonym combinations. Like, “The Discriminating Botswanan,” for example. Or: “The Woebegone Chilean.”

Prayer of Wagner

Contrary to what many will assume,
your sobriquet refers not to your
conspicuous athleticism, but rather
to the flight of the soul towards the divine
during an act of pure play —

a concept that you introduced
and upon which you elaborated
during a series of celebrated guest lectures
at Union Theological Seminary
shortly after your retirement.

Not always “fun to read” or even “think momentarily about,” our exercise in blasphemy continues today with a minor, but compelling, figure from baseballing lore.

Life: Over a 12-year career with five different teams, largely as a second baseman, the otherwise unspectacular Hunt led the majors in hit-by-pitches for six consecutive years, including a total of 50 HBPs in 1971 — a total surpassed only by Hall of Famer Hughie Jennings‘ mark of 51 in 1896. Despite a lifetime batting average of just .273, only modest power (39 career home runs), and a below-average glove (-40 fielding runs per TotalZone), Hunt retired with a lifetime .368 OBP and 34.4 WAR.

Ritual: To commemorate and recognize Hunt the Hurt, build an entire career off of the strangest possible skill. Go!

Prayer of Hunt the Hurt

So far as anyone knows
you were never forced, Ron Hunt,
to suffer the slings and arrows
of outrageous fortune.
You did, however, suffer
repeated blows to the arm
and back and leg and chest
and probably even the beanbag
on occasion — proving,
for those of us who’d forgotten,
that the line between genius
and the merely foolish
is super, super fine.