The Feast of the Talented Thirtysomethings

Both relentless and unrelenting, our feast-day celebrations continue today with the dynamic-est of duos.

Life: Besides birth dates, Messrs. Lefty O’Doul and Dazzy Vance share a peculiar trait, which is this: despite not playing regularly until their respective age-31 seasons, both managed to make cases for the Hall of Fame in their truncated major-league careers. Vance, who’s actually in the Hall, threw only 33 of his career 2966.2 innings before his age-31 season, but then proceeded to lead the league in strikeouts (by a conspicuously stupid margin) over the next seven seasons. O’Doul, for his part, recorded only 78 of his career 3659 plate appearances before his age-31 season, and then proceeded to post a 141 wRC+ from 1928 to 1933, before retiring at age 36. His career batting average of .3493 is fourth all-time, behind only Ty Cobb, Rogers Hornsby, and Shoeless Joe Jackson and his .413 on-base percentage is 29th.

Spiritual Exercise: Finish this analogy without thinking even for a second: “The TV show thirtsomething is to baby boomers as blank is to blank.”*

*Note: your answer is immaterial — only that you responded immediately is important.

A Prayer for the Talented Thirtysomethings

Dazzy Vance and Lefty O’Doul!
We’re gathered here today to talk about
which Back to the Future movie
most accurately depicts time travel.
Either that, or to celebrate all the notes
John Cage didn’t play — you guys choose.

Dazzy, for seven consecutive years,
you suuported fascism indirectly
by striking out opposition batters
at a heretofore unimagined pace.

Lefty, for a similar amount of time,
you were the prize in every box
of Cracker Jack, figuratively speaking.
Literally speaking, you were a batter
with considerably above-average contact rates
and the name of a non-alcoholic beer
in your own, actual name.

Sitting here now, I can’t help but imagine
all the questions NPR’s Terry Gross might’ve
asked you two, just given the chance —
like about your biggest childhood influences
and if you ever had a revelation or not.

Off the top of my head, I think that’d be, like,
the second- or third-best episode of Fresh Air ever —
not as good as when Jay-Z revealed the secret
to making his world-class Denver omelettes,
but way better than when Kiss’s Gene Simmons
burped the entire alphabet, like, six times,
then discussed vaccinating a rabbit in its privates.